Who are you? or am I, or.. you get the idea..

Ok.. I was tagged for this by Raising Wild Things and it's been what feels like FOREVER since I'd done one - so here goes! I don't have anyone to tag, so I'm just going to do mine & hope that's good enough! LOL

1. Where were you born Magnolia, TX, family moved to Mobile, AL when I was 6 weeks old, & bounced back & forth my entire childhood. I've been all over the place, except West, but it's on my list..
2. Were you named after someone? Nope. 
3. How many children do you have? 3 (10 year old girl (lord save me) 9 year old boy, & the toddler will be 3 in less than a week.. (again, lord save me..) 
4. How many pets do you have? 1 cat/Saint named Casper. We're hunting for a feline buddy for him, so hopefully that number will increase one day soon.
5. Your worst injury?  I've been lucky in that respect.. only bones I've ever broken were toes. I've got sciatica in my hip from a wreck when I was a teenager, that got worse over time & crappy kidneys but no real "oh shit I broke my arm" moments.. (knock on wood..)  
6. Do you have a special talent? Nope. Unless you count every Mommy's ability to sprout extra arms & hands at any given notice.. "Mommy hold this" should be an Olympic sport I think.. 
7. Favorite thing to bake? These days I don't really have a favorite. Not at all. I guess I'm going to have to work on that..
8. Favorite fast food? It was the Arby's mushroom whatever roast beef thing. But the shit-sticks went & discontinued it. So I guess the Hardee's mushroom & swiss burger. Seeing my pattern yet? 
9. Would you bungee jump? Hell no. No reason in the world to jump off a perfectly good bridge. Same goes for skydiving. Unless the plane's going down & we're all going to die anyway.. I'm on that sucker till the wheels hit the runway. 
10. What is the first thing you notice about people? How they treat other people. Specifically, the helpless.. children, elderly, and so on.  
11. When was the last time you cried? I've been ridiculously sappy recently. I was reading some sweet story yesterday that made me all teary. 
12. Any current worries? Money. As friggin always it seems. 
13. Name 3 drinks you drink regularly. Tea. Water. Recently Coffee. Used to be coke. I'm working on that. 
14. What’s your favorite book? Alberto Villoldo, Shaman, Healer, Sage. Or Paulo Cohelo The Valkyries, or a dozen others...   
15. Would you like to be a pirate? As in, real life, Somali, scary, rape pillage plunder pirate? Hell no. But if Captain Jack Sparrow were real, sign me up! 
16. Favorite smells? Roses, Peonies, new born baby heads... fresh cut grass, a deep heavy forest after a drenching rain.. the freedom of mountain air.. 
17. Why do you blog? I need the release. I don't write as much as I want to these days. As the toddler gets a little bigger, I hope that will change. 
18. What song do you want played at your funeral? Unless by that time sparkly vampires are a reality, well, whatever my family finds fitting. 
19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My will power. I need to get that shit in check. Big time. 
20. Favorite hobby? What's a hobby? *wink* 
21. Name something you’ve done, you never thought you would do? Hike the sacred sites of Peru with local Shaman's! But once I got that one accomplished, it added a bunch of other places to my now ever-growing list! 
22. What do you look for in a friend? Loyalty. 
23. Favorite fun things to do? Hanging out with my family.. when the kids aren't at each other throats that is! 
24. Pet peeves?  Lying. Someone that is perpetually late.  
25. What’s the last thing that made you laugh? My toddler's hilarious dance to every. single. commercial on the T.V. this morning! 

Catching up..

I don't even know where to begin. It's been 2 months too long and I really miss writing. Between moving.. (with the husband) and then my mother visiting, and trying to never leave.. (having to force her out) and with getting sick like I did... (emergency room visit, 15mm kidney stone surgery, and impending gallbladder surgery) I feel overwhelmed to even really have a starting point to catch up.

So, instead of stressing over that.. (if you've been following the facebook page then you have kinda kept up anyway..) I will just simply go from here. Does that sound ok with you? I sure as hell hope so, because that's what I'm going to do..

Tonight there is a large Mardi Gras parade. I love Mardi Gras, it's one of the few things about this friggin town I truly enjoy. I have missed every other parade so far because of how I've been feeling. And though I still feel the stab of an ice pick to the kidney multiple times an hour, we are going to the parade tonight. Tomorrow is Joe Cain Sunday, and then Tuesday is the end of it all for the year.. so - tonight we will go. If there is one parade of the year I make sure to see, it's the one tonight. Their floats are wonderful. Hopefully we will go tomorrow as well, & Tuesday, weather permitting.

I am stressed.. what else is new though, right? My husband has mostly been on his best behavior. But there are still issues I cannot ignore. Like the fast he was over an hour late last night, the money he handed me from his check seemed a good bit short, and he STILL called *that* fucking number. I haven't called him out on any of it yet. I feel like shit, and I want tonight to be fun for the kids... and starting shit right now would certainly screw it all up. I'm irritated and annoyed... I need to "back up and punt" and get a new plan together I suppose. Just right now... this week... I am tired, and sore... and I am going to put a fake smile on my face and simply move forward. After-all.. if he's screwed up this week, it will certainly happen again, and I'll have plenty of chances to "catch" him when I am better prepared.

That's all for now... but I will get to updating regularly again, I promise.

Steam Apocalypse 2.0

It's been way too long since I was able to sit down and write. That makes me feel all twitchy. Know what else makes me feel all twitchy? My mother is "visiting." I say visiting. She says moving.. in reality it's more like becoming a squatter in her camper in my back yard. I am very NOT happy about this. But it deserves it's own blog. As does the events with the husband of the past few weeks... long story short.. so far, so good. I let him move with me... he screws up once, I'm DONE. I will not live my life with the monkey on his back holding us down.

Nothing in my life can be simple... and damn near everything seems to turn into a comedy of errors though... so of course our water heater "fix" would be no exception to that rule... when I finally said "screw it, time to move everything" - I did it knowing the water heater, and the heater here may, or may not work. I KNEW the water heater would at least take new heating elements to make hot water.

Day 1 - we figure out the heater works, just needs a new thermostat.. but it will function plenty well until we can get one. Score!

Day 5 - Buy heating elements for water heater. Replace said elements. Wait 2 hours. The husband, my mother, and my brother (both who are visiting) get nice, hot showers. I opt to wait, and wash some dishes. I begin my project, and immediately hear a loud burst from my bedroom.. in which the back corner closet is located: the water heater. As I meet up with my husband at the bedroom door, we see steam venting from under the bathroom sink... like the most intense sauna ever. Shit.

We got the power off to the water heater, & begin to figure out what went wrong... (pipe got too hot & popped, we knew THAT much..) But - why? The husband knew nothing about water heaters & wiring, but was going off of how it was wired before. There was the mistake. They'd rigged it to bypass one element & thermostat cut off & so it was just getting hotter. And hotter. And hotter. And you could hear the water boiling in the tank.

We *thought* we had the power off to the tank. An hour later it's still boiling. Just as we begin to to the "okay, something is wrong, it should NOT still be making that noise" dance... the main supply valve got so hot it melted, shooting PURE STEAM out of the water heater. And it kept coming... and coming... and coming... and I'm standing in the living room next to sleeping & mercifully unaware toddler terrorist as the top 3 feet of the house was so thick in steam I could not see the ceiling.. or my hand in front of my face.

Finally, it stopped.

And we realized the wiring error. And that it needed to be shut off from the breaker outside, not a breaker that was in the house.

By the next day we had it all fixed... (except for having to wait a week for 1 more new element because leaving it one with no water broke one of the new ones...)

And now, I will never, ever.. EVER take for granted that a hot water heater will just work, when and how it is supposed to! Spending 2 weeks boiling water for dishes and baths will do that to you, apparently.

So, the heater works (yay) the water heater is fixed and working. I finally am THROUGH with the old place and cleaning it out... now all that's left is to focus on Christmas. And just how awesomely broke I am for Christmas. Oh yeah.. then there is the issue of my mother....

Who is walking to the door... again. I need a prescription for xanax. I swear I do......

Shadows..

I feel stuck.

Nobody can tell me what to do and I know that. I'd probably do the opposite anyway... I seem to be defiant like that.

Three weeks ago I was angry. I was livid. I'd been lied to over and over again... and I was just, done. Add that to my husbands constantly foul mood... and I'd snapped. I was lied to for the last time, and told him I was leaving.

And I am.

It's just been going too damned slow. A feeling of complacency seems to have set up at home. My husband acts as though *now* that he is being truthful... really... this time... (uh, ok? Sure.. from what I can see he is, and he realizes this is very serious and I am very serious & all that... but still.. how many times can I be told the same lie before I simply will not listen to it - ever again...) Anyway... he seems to think he can just move too. With us.

I've been rolling that idea around and around in my head. I. do. not. know. what. to. do. 

I'm stumped.

I do not want my family to fall apart. I married him for a reason. I love him very much. Yet at the same time, I've been so unhappy recently. I'm terrified of saying sure, come with us... and having nothing change. Sure.. the deed to this place is in MY name, and I could always turn around and tell him to leave if he started using that shit again, or if his attitude proved to be a permanent fixture, and not induced by the shit he's spent over half his life smoking.

I am fairly certain my children were relieved at the idea of moving away from him. I hate that. It shows just how horribly his mood has affected them. I don't want them to be upset if I let him come. If he did.. it would have to be totally different. But with a pattern so deeply ingrained... how can I make that happen? I just have no idea.

He'd gotten to where he'd just figured he was coming.. and had said he'd help me move stuff this past weekend. Then I made sure he knew I hadn't decided he was coming just yet... and of course.. nothing got moved. I feel trapped in a way. I cannot stand feeling trapped.

I just want everyone to be happy. Without sacrificing my own happiness. I don't want to pull my family apart. I want my toddler to wake up in the same house as her Daddy, every morning. I already deal with the remnants of my first broken marriage on a constant basis.

So, here I sit. Totally, and completely overwhelmed, and getting nothing done. No packing. No moving little stuff I could handle on my own. Just... stuck. And upset. And sad. And lost.

I miss feeling strong and confident. Secure in my own power. I feel my demons lurking in the shadows these days... and the shadows are everywhere. So, here I sit...

Fuzzy headed...

It's been too long since I've sat down to write, I know. I've been busy, busy. Painting & scrubbing & painting some more.. & then more scrubbing at the new place getting it ready for the kids and I to move into. I am *almost* done. Still a few more walls to paint, and I want to buy a 4x8 sheet of tile board for the kitchen, so I don't have to paint it. Because the 35 years of wallpapered over wallpaper is just.. ick. I've pulled a lot of it down already.. & years of bug carcasses fell out. Awesomesauce, right? I don't care, as long as they are dead!

I've already bug bombed the place once, and I am going to to it several more times as I move stuff from here to there. We've had a roach problem driving me bat shit crazy here from day 1. I will NOT bring those bastards with us!

I finally found a vehicle this weekend.. in the middle of the food poisoning induced vomit fest the house was in the middle of. My older two escaped it.. they went with their dad for the weekend and did not partake in pizza night Friday. They got lucky! 1am Saturday toddler terrorist wakes up emptying the entire contents of her tummy all over her crib, me, her Daddy, the floor, the tub... e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e. Fun, fun. I'm guessing her fast toddler metabolism is what spared her from further misery. She threw up, and was done. It hit me Saturday morning that I didn't feel right. By Saturday evening... I was in all kinds of stomach peril. I'll spare you further details than that.... A couple hours behind me, the husband's stomach joined in. Not a weekend of happiness... lemme tell ya. But, we weren't arguing at least.

Meanwhile... I spied a vehicle on craigslist that was affordable... and would work, in a backwards kind of way. I'll keep the SUV we have, and the husband will take the new vehicle. Whatever works, right?

So... this week I have to put everything into high gear. Really start moving everything. Really finish painting. Really find out why the hot water will not. stop. running. in the tub in what will be the kids bathroom. Always something it seems....

And in the midst of it all - we've been moving forward... all of us, together, under the same roof. The husband clean. Not using. Not even using weed. Something I think I'll have to require he continues. He's been nice. Life's been pleasant. At least for a few days.

It makes my head cloudy.

He has been saying how he will be with us in a few months. How he will show me we are more important than anything to him. How he desperately wants another chance.

I've been steadfast in saying no. We HAVE to have a separation for now.

The way he's been recently makes me want to falter. It makes me think we could really make a go of it again, if things hold true to how they are.

Then I want to smack myself over the head & remind myself a week of good cannot overshadow the years of lies.

Anyway... baby-steps forward. It's all I've got right now.

Ran out of rope..

I don't really know where to begin. It's been a hell of a week. It feels like everything has gone in extreme slow motion, yet at light speed at the same time.

I confronted my husband about everything. I waited until he was paid again this last Friday. I told him the numbers (again) didn't add up. That he needed to take a drug test.

He refused.

Very long, and stressful story short - I got a place yesterday, and the kids and I are moving this week.

If anyone is in my area & has a cheap but reliable vehicle, I need one. A used & cheap but working stove, refrigerator, washer & dryer, & microwave are all also items I am on the hunt for.

Part of me is relieved.

Part of me is terrified.

Part of me is heartbroken.

That's all I've got for now. I will be writing more soon, I promise.

The time to be passive is OVER...

I'm still swimming in the drying concrete over here. It's Sunday. My window of opportunity - self applied, but still valid is closing, rapidly at this point. I truly do not know what the fuck is wrong with me.

Then again, maybe I do. I have no clue how to start a conversation I'm truly worried could spell the very end of my marriage, and change - everything. 

I sat here last night... thinking, and thinking... and I can think myself in circles, and come this-close to opening my fucking mouth & then I'd stop. I think I spent hours with my heart racing. I feel like a complete pussy. I need to do this. I need to know exactly what the fuck is going on with him. Of course I worry it's a problem in my head, that I've created... but I've *never* been wrong on this before. So, would I really start now?

He's proven over & over again he can lie right to my face, with no issue. I want to tell him I know he called the sorry bastard he said he'd NEVER call again. That he said I could "stake our relationship on" - he called him just a few days after he said it. He just thinks I'm too naive to truly care, or too ignorant to notice I suppose.

Then Friday he hands me a dramatically reduced amount from his check... and gives me a (believable) story about a time card mishap at work and that they will fix it Monday. But I've done the math. I don't see how he is owed what he says he is... and he's not been bringing his check stubs home recently... and I worry he has been lying about the amount he has been getting for weeks now. It doesn't add up, at all.

I fee like I know where this is going to go. I'll say he has to prove whatever story he tells me - I'll say he has to take a drug test. My assumption is, either he outright refuses, on whatever grounds of pride he may throw at me - to which I'll have to explain to him, not taking it, I'll look at exactly the same as if it was positive - the amount of times he's lied, the intensity with which he has done it.. (the louder & more irate he gets, he assumes, the more believable he is, right...?) ... and one of us will be searching for a new place to live. Or - the other scenario I've played out over and over in my head, is that, after plenty of anger & "how dare you tell me I have to prove myself to you" bullshit, that he comes clean.. & thinks once again everything will be ok.

Nothing will be ok.

I told him earlier this year, there would be NO more chances with this shit. I've given a dozen too many as it is.

And then, I worry, what IF I am wrong? What kind of permanent damage will this conversation have, IF I am wrong.

I know the need to have it far outweighs my fear of it.

I KNOW this.

I just have to do it.

It's going to be a long damn day.