Still stuck..

Well... here I sit. Still stuck.

I haven't said anything to my husband yet like I want to. I just, can't. I can - and I will. But I am waiting for the right time I guess.

Part of me wants to just get it the hell over with. And part of me want to extend whatever this is I am in for a while. But I shouldn't. Overall, I am very unhappy. Constantly wondering... worrying... assuming the worst. I hate that. I cannot stand living like that.

I have a bad habit of not changing a bad situation for the sheer sake of NOT changing things. Make any sense?

But one day soon, I'm sure very soon - I'll get my chance. Then I just have to figure out what comes next. And that scares the shit out of me.. truthfully.

I guess that's all for now.

High "stakes..."

Okay - so staring at this blank page isn't helping me very much at all, I know. I feel like my head is so full and crammed that I am just stuck. I can't even force myself to move forward. But I have to. I have to do something. Something has got to give, before the thing that gives is me. Crumbling isn't an option. Neither is ignoring anything any longer. I just cannot do it anymore. But I just don't know where to start. And a flaw of mine has begun to stare me down recently. Trying to force me to cower in a corner. I avoid conflict, to a fault. But I cannot be that way anymore. Not for me. Not for my children. At some point I will crack, and scream enough, is enough.

Allow me to give you a little background here - you see, my husband and I have been together just over 4 years. It feels like longer. But when I sit down and really look at it, that's all it's been. Just over 4 years. Our daughter is just over 2, and we've been married 1 and a half years. When I was pregnant with our daughter (his first, my third) it became glaringly, blatantly obvious he had a serious drug problem. I said I'd leave. I said I'd never tolerate it. He cried. He swore to never touch it again.... and on we went. Ever since, I've caught him "fucking up" numerous times. Each time he swears to stop. Each time he swears his family is everything to him. Each time, I know, he is not only trying to convince me, but he is desperately trying to convince himself. Perhaps that is why I've allowed things to carry on for so long. That, and how badly he wanted a child, and the love he has for her is so evident... it tears my heart apart to think of separating them.

But I digress... earlier this year, I found yet another of his screw ups... (and they string together in such a way that, I have begun to feel that, instead of being individual episodes on his part, it's a continuous problem.. he gets caught, he alters actions & gets sneakier & hides it better... until I realize there is an issue & discover what is going on all over again...) Anyway - I told him that was it. His last warning. That there would not be another time where I'd accept an apology. That I was not going to live my life, or let my children live their lives with the monkey on his back constantly on our heels. It's not fair to me. It's not fair to them. And I made sure he understood - there would NOT be another time that would be forgiven.

There is a certain person he'd always contact to go through. I've kept tight watch for this phone number. Recently I noticed he was still calling it. He had his excuses. I told him I do. not. give. a. shit. If you are in touch with that person, then it only means there is a time limit on our life together, and that's not how I am going to live. That by being in touch with him, he'd be around it, and inevitably he would screw up.

Last week this turned into a huge to-do between us. (There was a bit more to it all than I am writing here, this is a public blog after all...) and the short of it was this - he said he would never call him again. Ever. I clearly showed my lack of faith in that statement.. which infuriated him, that I was "calling him a liar" - my reply? "How many times am I supposed to believe the same lie???"

That went over awesome. He freaked. Got even more irate. And said "I will NEVER call that number again, EVER. YOU CAN STAKE OUR RELATIONSHIP ON IT."

Hmmm. Okay.

This was last Thursday, I think.

Since Friday he has seemed to be making an extreme effort to keep his mood swings under control... which makes the conversation I need to have with him later today that much harder.

He called that guy on Monday when he was off on his own running an errand. He called him 4 times. He seems to think deleting the call off the phone removes it from existence. But I checked online... I had to know.

"You can stake our relationship on it..." Keeps screaming in my head.

Now what......?

Ups and downs...

Ups and downs.. ins and outs. And then we go back up again. Life is a roller-coaster. It's supposed to be that way. This I know. I swear it. But is it always supposed to feel like it's one more loose bolt away from completely derailing? Landing in a fire filled tar pit of certain doom? No.. that is NOT how it is supposed to feel.

One day things are okay. Then there are 2 or 3 days of shitty. Then I get surprised with a consistent good streak & these are the moments that make me feel - guilty? Though that doesn't feel like the right word... for feeling the way I was on Friday. Friday I was highly annoyed. Really just ready to throw in the towel. Accept things will never change... go ahead and let the glass hit the floor - so I could begin to do the inevitable, of picking up the metaphorical pieces and getting on with it.

Then Friday night was just fine... pretty much as expected. Pay day usually is, the one day a week I can count on being okay. Then, Saturday, with one small exception was just fine too. When my husband got home, he walked in the door & saw my sons shirt was ripped at the collar. Immediately it began an issue. He asks him what happened. My son says he didn't know. That's the go-to reply it seems. I know what it is. An attempt to diminish conflict on the children's part. But my husband always makes that backfire and draws it out, demanding an answer other than that... and on & on it will go. Thankfully I was right there. I stopped him.. he had already started in, saying something like "you just can't help but lie" or you are just a liar or something like that. It seemed more harsh than just that at the time so I think I am not remembering it fully... but anyway - I was right there, stopped him & said "I'm sure he doesn't know, it's been like that for months, I had just talked to [my son] about it a couple weeks ago..."

That shut my husband down & he tried to bitch at me about it once the kids were back outside.. asking me why I would intervene like that... I told him, because he has no reason talking so nasty to the kids over something so ridiculous. Maybe saying that actually made a point. Maybe somewhere along the line he has realized I've truly hit my breaking point. The rest of the day, and the entire weekend went without any incident. Things were truly pleasant. For the first time, at least consistently for that long, in a while. It would be awesome if it would continue. But only time will tell on that one.

So, that is about where I am right now. It would be nice if the evening would continue the pattern. I'll keep my fingers crossed at least.

Meanwhile I have to call the power company and hope they will take a payment Friday, instead of today like the arrangement I have with them states. I cannot stand being constantly behind on everything. It is a never ending cycle. Every utility vehicle that pulls onto the road, sends my mind reeling. A deep rooted fear that is always constant, wondering what will get shut off next. I long for the day that my nerves will not be so frayed enough where I don't have to constantly worry. It just seems like a pipe dream at the moment.

Cross your fingers for me....

Emotional Whiplash

I feel like I am falling apart on the inside. Completely full of confusion. There is pressure on me from every direction, including from within myself.. and I just have no clue what to do. When I feel overly pressured... stressed beyond my limits, and confused - I tend to find a holding pattern, and get trapped. But I cannot let the past repeat itself. I simply cannot. But I just have no. clue. what. to. do.

Four years ago when I left New York, and came back to Mobile, it seemed wonderful. For a little while I was quite happy... but that hasn't lasted. I don't know if blame actually lies anywhere, or if it is all situation or circumstance. But something has got to give - before I simply break in half.

For a couple of years now things have not been perfect with my husband. But I am not one to give up easily. In fact, I can hold on much, much too long. And I do not want history to repeat itself. I want to be happy. I want my children to be happy. There is so much I want to do. So many things I want to see. I want my husband by my side for them. But my faith in that is waning. He has grown more sullen... less cheerful.. and has had much, much more frequent bouts of a terrible, nasty attitude over this past year. I don't know what to do. I tried talking to him about it. He said it would change. Nothing has. He turns around and blames me for this, and that, oh, and that too - none of which are things I can do a damned thing to change right now. And I will not live this way until our toddler starts school. And that seems to be what I am facing.

She adores her Daddy. So the thought of ripping our home apart completely immobilizes me. But at the same time, I only want happiness for her. And for my two older children. It's begun to affect their happiness. Everyone walks on eggshells around my husband. That is just wrong, on so many levels. I've tried to tell him. He just gets defensive. Deflects the reasoning behind it to someone else's fault. My oldest daughter has now begun complaining to her father about it. This spells trouble in a number of ways. He is pressuring me to fix it somehow for the sake of the kids happiness. He is right. A friend is pressuring me to fix it for the sake of my AND the kids happiness. She is right.

Yet, I am stuck like my feet are locked in cured concrete.

We will have a horrible day, like Wednesday was. And an even worse day, like yesterday.. where it was so awesomely wonderful around here I was getting asked "is that's where you are going to go stay?" - When I was simply looking up an address to see where it was. The thought of looking for somewhere to stay had not even crossed my mind... until then. And then today, I get calls, just to tell me he loves me.

I have emotional whiplash.

I know that 10 minutes of happy doesn't negate 2 days of misery. It is a process that gets repeated all too often around here. And I just want to put my head in my hands and cry.

I do not want to give up on my husband. I truly don't. We could be happy. And if I took the kids and left, it would absolutely devastate him. I do not want to do that to him.

I've tried telling him his moods are the heart of the issues. But it's like he just doesn't hear me. I do not know what else I can do to make him see it.

I'm sad. And completely distraught on the inside. But I have to put on a happy face on the outside. If today is a "good" day, I'll take it for what it is and enjoy it. But I feel like a ticking time bomb. And I have the patience to endure very, very few more "bad" days.

Aevitas...

I don't feel like I have it all together today. To say I feel like I am in a funk isn't exactly it.. but I honestly cannot really put my finger on it I suppose.

Can anyone tell me - what is love? Is it something you feel? Something you do? Is everyone's definition of love different? And if it is, how can you tell if you are ever truly loved by someone?

I feel this wall going up inside of myself. I don't like it. I hate living that way. I spent way too long living like that and not even knowing it years ago. I refuse to do it again. Yet I don't know how to stop. Forgive me if this is a rambling mess. Sometimes I just have to get it all out, whether it is coherent or not I guess.

Last night I found myself going 'round & 'round with my husband yet again. I do this that he doesn't like. He does that which I can't stand... and around & around we go. It's a conversation akin to beating a dead horse. It feels like it has no end. We will just keep going in circles, until someone gets too dizzy, and stops the torment, usually with an uncomfortable silence. Not a resolution of any sort.

I wanted to ask him - why, if he dislikes so much, is he even torturing himself by being here. Of course, he'd tell me he loves me. I know this because I've asked it once before. But - what IS love?

To me, it should be something you feel deep inside. A longing for someone. A warmth when you see them. A comfort in every touch. The sad thing is, I can remember my ex-husband asking ME why I loved him. We would go around & around with our arguments much the same. Back then I was holding onto the fear of being on my own. I was in love with the idea of love...

Today - I see an elderly couple, holding hands walking down the street... a team, together through thick & thin, two people that you know will be there for one another, no matter what.

For once in my life, I want to feel like I am the center of someone's world.

Then I feel guilty for even thinking that way. Maybe I am? I don't know.

I am getting nowhere with this. It's certainly not helping me clear my head. So for now I will close.

Shattered Glass..

I have a barrage of things I need to get done today. But I finally have this blog up to date, and I need to write. Desperately. So for a little while, the floor can remain dusty and the dishes are safe in the sink. I have to make a cake for my baby girl - today is her 10th birthday after all...  the time has flown by at a rate I can simply describe as, unfair. In every sense of the word. All of that can wait just a little while though...

I truly hope tonight my husband is in a good mood. If he isn't, I just might not be able to take it anymore. At all. I've been hovering around my breaking point for months now. I absolutely loathe that sensation. To truly not know if on any given day, it will be the day I say "I cannot do this anymore..."

But I digress...

A few years ago when my life became too hectic to continue writing as much as I liked to - I don't even really know how to describe it... it's like I just got caught in a maelstrom - rushing around in circles yet going nowhere... fast.

For a while there after my separation & then divorce of my first marriage, I'd found this inner strength that in some ways, I suppose was a weakness. It blinded me to the downsides of things. I felt invincible. Life is merely the sum of the choices we make though - and I've made mine. I still have plenty left to make as well.

For a while there, it's like I set up happily in my rose colored glass bubble on cloud nine. Happily oblivious to so much. Not knowing, the longer I stayed in that bubble, happily up on that (partially fictional) cloud - the harder and unforgiving the concrete ground would be when I slammed back down to reality. My rose colored glass bubble has shattered into thousands of pieces... and I am not exactly sure what to do. At times I wish I could glue all the pieces back together again... hold my three children as tightly as possible and seal us up inside. But that's not living. And the pieces wouldn't even fit back together anymore if I tried.

Some days I am angry. Some days I want to scream "fuck this shit" from the top of the highest point I could reach... pack what I could and my babies into a vehicle I don't even have, and drive until I ran out of gas. Other days I am just sad. Sad seeing my older 2 children's sadness. My husband has mood swings that have gotten worse over the past few years. I don't fully understand their catalyst. And they are the reason for most of my angst. Most of my children's angst. And the reason I contemplate leaving, more often than not these days.

But then there will be a good day. And I will feel so terribly guilty for having thought all the horrible things I may have thought the previous day, or days. And this leaves me so confused.

I am not the naive little girl I was going into my first marriage. I know you cannot change someone who doesn't want to change. I just do not exactly know where I have to go from here.

My husband and I have talked... I've told him his moods are wearing me down. He doesn't get it at all it seems. He always has a "reason" - and I am just tired of fighting the fight. We have this awesome sounding 10 year plan, which will end with us in Oregon, a part of the country I really want to go to. I'd by lying if I didn't say I haven't thought about how the kids and I can just do it on our own if we have to. And I hate that feeling of uncertainty.

I really do.

But for now - I have a cake to go bake. And a few presents to wrap. None of it is as grand or wonderful as I'd like... and that is wearing on me too. But all I can do, is just fight on for another day I suppose.

Fast forward 3 years...

Well, here we are. An actual, current entry! I felt like I was never going to get everything moved over here like I wanted!!! Please take note, if you go back, and read older entries - the date is located at the bottom of each entry, the "posted" date is incorrect, and links may not work, and pictures may not be showing up. I used to use a site called diaryland, and it still seems to have some active members, but overall has died a slow, painful death! Every link to my original posts to diaryland will get redirected to some other site. I have no idea why it is doing this, but I cannot fix it. All the entries are on here though. You know... if you wanna go all stalker & see what I have been up to for the last 10 or so years.. feel free. It's mainly for me though, I know. I wanted to make sure none of it ever got lost. I put my heart & soul into so much of what I wrote, and I plan to start doing that again. I've missed it. I need it. It is 1000 times better than a therapist for me... and I can't afford one of those anyway! *wink wink*

So - from my last entry in 2009 I was blissfully happy - and a lot has changed since then. I have a third child - and she makes every day that much brighter.

But I do have loads to vent about. And when I write, I tend to vent. A lot.

So if you are a willing victim, er, participant - I welcome you along for the ride! Hopefully by Monday I will be able to write like I want to. In the meantime, it just felt really, really good to put something truly current in here.