Monday, October 29, 2012


I feel stuck.

Nobody can tell me what to do and I know that. I'd probably do the opposite anyway... I seem to be defiant like that.

Three weeks ago I was angry. I was livid. I'd been lied to over and over again... and I was just, done. Add that to my husbands constantly foul mood... and I'd snapped. I was lied to for the last time, and told him I was leaving.

And I am.

It's just been going too damned slow. A feeling of complacency seems to have set up at home. My husband acts as though *now* that he is being truthful... really... this time... (uh, ok? Sure.. from what I can see he is, and he realizes this is very serious and I am very serious & all that... but still.. how many times can I be told the same lie before I simply will not listen to it - ever again...) Anyway... he seems to think he can just move too. With us.

I've been rolling that idea around and around in my head. I. do. not. know. what. to. do. 

I'm stumped.

I do not want my family to fall apart. I married him for a reason. I love him very much. Yet at the same time, I've been so unhappy recently. I'm terrified of saying sure, come with us... and having nothing change. Sure.. the deed to this place is in MY name, and I could always turn around and tell him to leave if he started using that shit again, or if his attitude proved to be a permanent fixture, and not induced by the shit he's spent over half his life smoking.

I am fairly certain my children were relieved at the idea of moving away from him. I hate that. It shows just how horribly his mood has affected them. I don't want them to be upset if I let him come. If he did.. it would have to be totally different. But with a pattern so deeply ingrained... how can I make that happen? I just have no idea.

He'd gotten to where he'd just figured he was coming.. and had said he'd help me move stuff this past weekend. Then I made sure he knew I hadn't decided he was coming just yet... and of course.. nothing got moved. I feel trapped in a way. I cannot stand feeling trapped.

I just want everyone to be happy. Without sacrificing my own happiness. I don't want to pull my family apart. I want my toddler to wake up in the same house as her Daddy, every morning. I already deal with the remnants of my first broken marriage on a constant basis.

So, here I sit. Totally, and completely overwhelmed, and getting nothing done. No packing. No moving little stuff I could handle on my own. Just... stuck. And upset. And sad. And lost.

I miss feeling strong and confident. Secure in my own power. I feel my demons lurking in the shadows these days... and the shadows are everywhere. So, here I sit...

Monday, October 22, 2012

Fuzzy headed...

It's been too long since I've sat down to write, I know. I've been busy, busy. Painting & scrubbing & painting some more.. & then more scrubbing at the new place getting it ready for the kids and I to move into. I am *almost* done. Still a few more walls to paint, and I want to buy a 4x8 sheet of tile board for the kitchen, so I don't have to paint it. Because the 35 years of wallpapered over wallpaper is just.. ick. I've pulled a lot of it down already.. & years of bug carcasses fell out. Awesomesauce, right? I don't care, as long as they are dead!

I've already bug bombed the place once, and I am going to to it several more times as I move stuff from here to there. We've had a roach problem driving me bat shit crazy here from day 1. I will NOT bring those bastards with us!

I finally found a vehicle this weekend.. in the middle of the food poisoning induced vomit fest the house was in the middle of. My older two escaped it.. they went with their dad for the weekend and did not partake in pizza night Friday. They got lucky! 1am Saturday toddler terrorist wakes up emptying the entire contents of her tummy all over her crib, me, her Daddy, the floor, the tub... e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e. Fun, fun. I'm guessing her fast toddler metabolism is what spared her from further misery. She threw up, and was done. It hit me Saturday morning that I didn't feel right. By Saturday evening... I was in all kinds of stomach peril. I'll spare you further details than that.... A couple hours behind me, the husband's stomach joined in. Not a weekend of happiness... lemme tell ya. But, we weren't arguing at least.

Meanwhile... I spied a vehicle on craigslist that was affordable... and would work, in a backwards kind of way. I'll keep the SUV we have, and the husband will take the new vehicle. Whatever works, right?

So... this week I have to put everything into high gear. Really start moving everything. Really finish painting. Really find out why the hot water will not. stop. running. in the tub in what will be the kids bathroom. Always something it seems....

And in the midst of it all - we've been moving forward... all of us, together, under the same roof. The husband clean. Not using. Not even using weed. Something I think I'll have to require he continues. He's been nice. Life's been pleasant. At least for a few days.

It makes my head cloudy.

He has been saying how he will be with us in a few months. How he will show me we are more important than anything to him. How he desperately wants another chance.

I've been steadfast in saying no. We HAVE to have a separation for now.

The way he's been recently makes me want to falter. It makes me think we could really make a go of it again, if things hold true to how they are.

Then I want to smack myself over the head & remind myself a week of good cannot overshadow the years of lies.

Anyway... baby-steps forward. It's all I've got right now.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Ran out of rope..

I don't really know where to begin. It's been a hell of a week. It feels like everything has gone in extreme slow motion, yet at light speed at the same time.

I confronted my husband about everything. I waited until he was paid again this last Friday. I told him the numbers (again) didn't add up. That he needed to take a drug test.

He refused.

Very long, and stressful story short - I got a place yesterday, and the kids and I are moving this week.

If anyone is in my area & has a cheap but reliable vehicle, I need one. A used & cheap but working stove, refrigerator, washer & dryer, & microwave are all also items I am on the hunt for.

Part of me is relieved.

Part of me is terrified.

Part of me is heartbroken.

That's all I've got for now. I will be writing more soon, I promise.