I feel stuck.
Nobody can tell me what to do and I know that. I'd probably do the opposite anyway... I seem to be defiant like that.
Three weeks ago I was angry. I was livid. I'd been lied to over and over again... and I was just, done. Add that to my husbands constantly foul mood... and I'd snapped. I was lied to for the last time, and told him I was leaving.
And I am.
It's just been going too damned slow. A feeling of complacency seems to have set up at home. My husband acts as though *now* that he is being truthful... really... this time... (uh, ok? Sure.. from what I can see he is, and he realizes this is very serious and I am very serious & all that... but still.. how many times can I be told the same lie before I simply will not listen to it - ever again...) Anyway... he seems to think he can just move too. With us.
I've been rolling that idea around and around in my head. I. do. not. know. what. to. do.
I do not want my family to fall apart. I married him for a reason. I love him very much. Yet at the same time, I've been so unhappy recently. I'm terrified of saying sure, come with us... and having nothing change. Sure.. the deed to this place is in MY name, and I could always turn around and tell him to leave if he started using that shit again, or if his attitude proved to be a permanent fixture, and not induced by the shit he's spent over half his life smoking.
I am fairly certain my children were relieved at the idea of moving away from him. I hate that. It shows just how horribly his mood has affected them. I don't want them to be upset if I let him come. If he did.. it would have to be totally different. But with a pattern so deeply ingrained... how can I make that happen? I just have no idea.
He'd gotten to where he'd just figured he was coming.. and had said he'd help me move stuff this past weekend. Then I made sure he knew I hadn't decided he was coming just yet... and of course.. nothing got moved. I feel trapped in a way. I cannot stand feeling trapped.
I just want everyone to be happy. Without sacrificing my own happiness. I don't want to pull my family apart. I want my toddler to wake up in the same house as her Daddy, every morning. I already deal with the remnants of my first broken marriage on a constant basis.
So, here I sit. Totally, and completely overwhelmed, and getting nothing done. No packing. No moving little stuff I could handle on my own. Just... stuck. And upset. And sad. And lost.
I miss feeling strong and confident. Secure in my own power. I feel my demons lurking in the shadows these days... and the shadows are everywhere. So, here I sit...