Monday, October 29, 2012


I feel stuck.

Nobody can tell me what to do and I know that. I'd probably do the opposite anyway... I seem to be defiant like that.

Three weeks ago I was angry. I was livid. I'd been lied to over and over again... and I was just, done. Add that to my husbands constantly foul mood... and I'd snapped. I was lied to for the last time, and told him I was leaving.

And I am.

It's just been going too damned slow. A feeling of complacency seems to have set up at home. My husband acts as though *now* that he is being truthful... really... this time... (uh, ok? Sure.. from what I can see he is, and he realizes this is very serious and I am very serious & all that... but still.. how many times can I be told the same lie before I simply will not listen to it - ever again...) Anyway... he seems to think he can just move too. With us.

I've been rolling that idea around and around in my head. I. do. not. know. what. to. do. 

I'm stumped.

I do not want my family to fall apart. I married him for a reason. I love him very much. Yet at the same time, I've been so unhappy recently. I'm terrified of saying sure, come with us... and having nothing change. Sure.. the deed to this place is in MY name, and I could always turn around and tell him to leave if he started using that shit again, or if his attitude proved to be a permanent fixture, and not induced by the shit he's spent over half his life smoking.

I am fairly certain my children were relieved at the idea of moving away from him. I hate that. It shows just how horribly his mood has affected them. I don't want them to be upset if I let him come. If he did.. it would have to be totally different. But with a pattern so deeply ingrained... how can I make that happen? I just have no idea.

He'd gotten to where he'd just figured he was coming.. and had said he'd help me move stuff this past weekend. Then I made sure he knew I hadn't decided he was coming just yet... and of course.. nothing got moved. I feel trapped in a way. I cannot stand feeling trapped.

I just want everyone to be happy. Without sacrificing my own happiness. I don't want to pull my family apart. I want my toddler to wake up in the same house as her Daddy, every morning. I already deal with the remnants of my first broken marriage on a constant basis.

So, here I sit. Totally, and completely overwhelmed, and getting nothing done. No packing. No moving little stuff I could handle on my own. Just... stuck. And upset. And sad. And lost.

I miss feeling strong and confident. Secure in my own power. I feel my demons lurking in the shadows these days... and the shadows are everywhere. So, here I sit...

1 comment:

  1. You know to stay with someone for the sake of the children is not a good move ever. Children will suffer the greatest harm eventually. If you stay, stay because you see change and the change is constant and for the better. Change is not true change if the change is happening due to ultimatums given. Change comes from within. If he is serious and wants to be with you and keep the family together than he will need help and support. You can observe and support him without being with him and then after he gains his stability and you can see it, then you guys can move forward and decide what is best for you as a family and as a couple. I hope this little tidbit of support and advice is helpful to you. Take back what belongs to you, that only you can claim! YOUR STRENGTH, YOUR POWER, YOUR WISDOM. Much Much love to you and yours my friend. :)