Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Steam Apocalypse 2.0

It's been way too long since I was able to sit down and write. That makes me feel all twitchy. Know what else makes me feel all twitchy? My mother is "visiting." I say visiting. She says moving.. in reality it's more like becoming a squatter in her camper in my back yard. I am very NOT happy about this. But it deserves it's own blog. As does the events with the husband of the past few weeks... long story short.. so far, so good. I let him move with me... he screws up once, I'm DONE. I will not live my life with the monkey on his back holding us down.

Nothing in my life can be simple... and damn near everything seems to turn into a comedy of errors though... so of course our water heater "fix" would be no exception to that rule... when I finally said "screw it, time to move everything" - I did it knowing the water heater, and the heater here may, or may not work. I KNEW the water heater would at least take new heating elements to make hot water.

Day 1 - we figure out the heater works, just needs a new thermostat.. but it will function plenty well until we can get one. Score!

Day 5 - Buy heating elements for water heater. Replace said elements. Wait 2 hours. The husband, my mother, and my brother (both who are visiting) get nice, hot showers. I opt to wait, and wash some dishes. I begin my project, and immediately hear a loud burst from my bedroom.. in which the back corner closet is located: the water heater. As I meet up with my husband at the bedroom door, we see steam venting from under the bathroom sink... like the most intense sauna ever. Shit.

We got the power off to the water heater, & begin to figure out what went wrong... (pipe got too hot & popped, we knew THAT much..) But - why? The husband knew nothing about water heaters & wiring, but was going off of how it was wired before. There was the mistake. They'd rigged it to bypass one element & thermostat cut off & so it was just getting hotter. And hotter. And hotter. And you could hear the water boiling in the tank.

We *thought* we had the power off to the tank. An hour later it's still boiling. Just as we begin to to the "okay, something is wrong, it should NOT still be making that noise" dance... the main supply valve got so hot it melted, shooting PURE STEAM out of the water heater. And it kept coming... and coming... and coming... and I'm standing in the living room next to sleeping & mercifully unaware toddler terrorist as the top 3 feet of the house was so thick in steam I could not see the ceiling.. or my hand in front of my face.

Finally, it stopped.

And we realized the wiring error. And that it needed to be shut off from the breaker outside, not a breaker that was in the house.

By the next day we had it all fixed... (except for having to wait a week for 1 more new element because leaving it one with no water broke one of the new ones...)

And now, I will never, ever.. EVER take for granted that a hot water heater will just work, when and how it is supposed to! Spending 2 weeks boiling water for dishes and baths will do that to you, apparently.

So, the heater works (yay) the water heater is fixed and working. I finally am THROUGH with the old place and cleaning it out... now all that's left is to focus on Christmas. And just how awesomely broke I am for Christmas. Oh yeah.. then there is the issue of my mother....

Who is walking to the door... again. I need a prescription for xanax. I swear I do......

Monday, October 29, 2012


I feel stuck.

Nobody can tell me what to do and I know that. I'd probably do the opposite anyway... I seem to be defiant like that.

Three weeks ago I was angry. I was livid. I'd been lied to over and over again... and I was just, done. Add that to my husbands constantly foul mood... and I'd snapped. I was lied to for the last time, and told him I was leaving.

And I am.

It's just been going too damned slow. A feeling of complacency seems to have set up at home. My husband acts as though *now* that he is being truthful... really... this time... (uh, ok? Sure.. from what I can see he is, and he realizes this is very serious and I am very serious & all that... but still.. how many times can I be told the same lie before I simply will not listen to it - ever again...) Anyway... he seems to think he can just move too. With us.

I've been rolling that idea around and around in my head. I. do. not. know. what. to. do. 

I'm stumped.

I do not want my family to fall apart. I married him for a reason. I love him very much. Yet at the same time, I've been so unhappy recently. I'm terrified of saying sure, come with us... and having nothing change. Sure.. the deed to this place is in MY name, and I could always turn around and tell him to leave if he started using that shit again, or if his attitude proved to be a permanent fixture, and not induced by the shit he's spent over half his life smoking.

I am fairly certain my children were relieved at the idea of moving away from him. I hate that. It shows just how horribly his mood has affected them. I don't want them to be upset if I let him come. If he did.. it would have to be totally different. But with a pattern so deeply ingrained... how can I make that happen? I just have no idea.

He'd gotten to where he'd just figured he was coming.. and had said he'd help me move stuff this past weekend. Then I made sure he knew I hadn't decided he was coming just yet... and of course.. nothing got moved. I feel trapped in a way. I cannot stand feeling trapped.

I just want everyone to be happy. Without sacrificing my own happiness. I don't want to pull my family apart. I want my toddler to wake up in the same house as her Daddy, every morning. I already deal with the remnants of my first broken marriage on a constant basis.

So, here I sit. Totally, and completely overwhelmed, and getting nothing done. No packing. No moving little stuff I could handle on my own. Just... stuck. And upset. And sad. And lost.

I miss feeling strong and confident. Secure in my own power. I feel my demons lurking in the shadows these days... and the shadows are everywhere. So, here I sit...

Monday, October 22, 2012

Fuzzy headed...

It's been too long since I've sat down to write, I know. I've been busy, busy. Painting & scrubbing & painting some more.. & then more scrubbing at the new place getting it ready for the kids and I to move into. I am *almost* done. Still a few more walls to paint, and I want to buy a 4x8 sheet of tile board for the kitchen, so I don't have to paint it. Because the 35 years of wallpapered over wallpaper is just.. ick. I've pulled a lot of it down already.. & years of bug carcasses fell out. Awesomesauce, right? I don't care, as long as they are dead!

I've already bug bombed the place once, and I am going to to it several more times as I move stuff from here to there. We've had a roach problem driving me bat shit crazy here from day 1. I will NOT bring those bastards with us!

I finally found a vehicle this weekend.. in the middle of the food poisoning induced vomit fest the house was in the middle of. My older two escaped it.. they went with their dad for the weekend and did not partake in pizza night Friday. They got lucky! 1am Saturday toddler terrorist wakes up emptying the entire contents of her tummy all over her crib, me, her Daddy, the floor, the tub... e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e. Fun, fun. I'm guessing her fast toddler metabolism is what spared her from further misery. She threw up, and was done. It hit me Saturday morning that I didn't feel right. By Saturday evening... I was in all kinds of stomach peril. I'll spare you further details than that.... A couple hours behind me, the husband's stomach joined in. Not a weekend of happiness... lemme tell ya. But, we weren't arguing at least.

Meanwhile... I spied a vehicle on craigslist that was affordable... and would work, in a backwards kind of way. I'll keep the SUV we have, and the husband will take the new vehicle. Whatever works, right?

So... this week I have to put everything into high gear. Really start moving everything. Really finish painting. Really find out why the hot water will not. stop. running. in the tub in what will be the kids bathroom. Always something it seems....

And in the midst of it all - we've been moving forward... all of us, together, under the same roof. The husband clean. Not using. Not even using weed. Something I think I'll have to require he continues. He's been nice. Life's been pleasant. At least for a few days.

It makes my head cloudy.

He has been saying how he will be with us in a few months. How he will show me we are more important than anything to him. How he desperately wants another chance.

I've been steadfast in saying no. We HAVE to have a separation for now.

The way he's been recently makes me want to falter. It makes me think we could really make a go of it again, if things hold true to how they are.

Then I want to smack myself over the head & remind myself a week of good cannot overshadow the years of lies.

Anyway... baby-steps forward. It's all I've got right now.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Ran out of rope..

I don't really know where to begin. It's been a hell of a week. It feels like everything has gone in extreme slow motion, yet at light speed at the same time.

I confronted my husband about everything. I waited until he was paid again this last Friday. I told him the numbers (again) didn't add up. That he needed to take a drug test.

He refused.

Very long, and stressful story short - I got a place yesterday, and the kids and I are moving this week.

If anyone is in my area & has a cheap but reliable vehicle, I need one. A used & cheap but working stove, refrigerator, washer & dryer, & microwave are all also items I am on the hunt for.

Part of me is relieved.

Part of me is terrified.

Part of me is heartbroken.

That's all I've got for now. I will be writing more soon, I promise.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

The time to be passive is OVER...

I'm still swimming in the drying concrete over here. It's Sunday. My window of opportunity - self applied, but still valid is closing, rapidly at this point. I truly do not know what the fuck is wrong with me.

Then again, maybe I do. I have no clue how to start a conversation I'm truly worried could spell the very end of my marriage, and change - everything. 

I sat here last night... thinking, and thinking... and I can think myself in circles, and come this-close to opening my fucking mouth & then I'd stop. I think I spent hours with my heart racing. I feel like a complete pussy. I need to do this. I need to know exactly what the fuck is going on with him. Of course I worry it's a problem in my head, that I've created... but I've *never* been wrong on this before. So, would I really start now?

He's proven over & over again he can lie right to my face, with no issue. I want to tell him I know he called the sorry bastard he said he'd NEVER call again. That he said I could "stake our relationship on" - he called him just a few days after he said it. He just thinks I'm too naive to truly care, or too ignorant to notice I suppose.

Then Friday he hands me a dramatically reduced amount from his check... and gives me a (believable) story about a time card mishap at work and that they will fix it Monday. But I've done the math. I don't see how he is owed what he says he is... and he's not been bringing his check stubs home recently... and I worry he has been lying about the amount he has been getting for weeks now. It doesn't add up, at all.

I fee like I know where this is going to go. I'll say he has to prove whatever story he tells me - I'll say he has to take a drug test. My assumption is, either he outright refuses, on whatever grounds of pride he may throw at me - to which I'll have to explain to him, not taking it, I'll look at exactly the same as if it was positive - the amount of times he's lied, the intensity with which he has done it.. (the louder & more irate he gets, he assumes, the more believable he is, right...?) ... and one of us will be searching for a new place to live. Or - the other scenario I've played out over and over in my head, is that, after plenty of anger & "how dare you tell me I have to prove myself to you" bullshit, that he comes clean.. & thinks once again everything will be ok.

Nothing will be ok.

I told him earlier this year, there would be NO more chances with this shit. I've given a dozen too many as it is.

And then, I worry, what IF I am wrong? What kind of permanent damage will this conversation have, IF I am wrong.

I know the need to have it far outweighs my fear of it.

I KNOW this.

I just have to do it.

It's going to be a long damn day.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Still stuck..

Well... here I sit. Still stuck.

I haven't said anything to my husband yet like I want to. I just, can't. I can - and I will. But I am waiting for the right time I guess.

Part of me wants to just get it the hell over with. And part of me want to extend whatever this is I am in for a while. But I shouldn't. Overall, I am very unhappy. Constantly wondering... worrying... assuming the worst. I hate that. I cannot stand living like that.

I have a bad habit of not changing a bad situation for the sheer sake of NOT changing things. Make any sense?

But one day soon, I'm sure very soon - I'll get my chance. Then I just have to figure out what comes next. And that scares the shit out of me.. truthfully.

I guess that's all for now.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

High "stakes..."

Okay - so staring at this blank page isn't helping me very much at all, I know. I feel like my head is so full and crammed that I am just stuck. I can't even force myself to move forward. But I have to. I have to do something. Something has got to give, before the thing that gives is me. Crumbling isn't an option. Neither is ignoring anything any longer. I just cannot do it anymore. But I just don't know where to start. And a flaw of mine has begun to stare me down recently. Trying to force me to cower in a corner. I avoid conflict, to a fault. But I cannot be that way anymore. Not for me. Not for my children. At some point I will crack, and scream enough, is enough.

Allow me to give you a little background here - you see, my husband and I have been together just over 4 years. It feels like longer. But when I sit down and really look at it, that's all it's been. Just over 4 years. Our daughter is just over 2, and we've been married 1 and a half years. When I was pregnant with our daughter (his first, my third) it became glaringly, blatantly obvious he had a serious drug problem. I said I'd leave. I said I'd never tolerate it. He cried. He swore to never touch it again.... and on we went. Ever since, I've caught him "fucking up" numerous times. Each time he swears to stop. Each time he swears his family is everything to him. Each time, I know, he is not only trying to convince me, but he is desperately trying to convince himself. Perhaps that is why I've allowed things to carry on for so long. That, and how badly he wanted a child, and the love he has for her is so evident... it tears my heart apart to think of separating them.

But I digress... earlier this year, I found yet another of his screw ups... (and they string together in such a way that, I have begun to feel that, instead of being individual episodes on his part, it's a continuous problem.. he gets caught, he alters actions & gets sneakier & hides it better... until I realize there is an issue & discover what is going on all over again...) Anyway - I told him that was it. His last warning. That there would not be another time where I'd accept an apology. That I was not going to live my life, or let my children live their lives with the monkey on his back constantly on our heels. It's not fair to me. It's not fair to them. And I made sure he understood - there would NOT be another time that would be forgiven.

There is a certain person he'd always contact to go through. I've kept tight watch for this phone number. Recently I noticed he was still calling it. He had his excuses. I told him I do. not. give. a. shit. If you are in touch with that person, then it only means there is a time limit on our life together, and that's not how I am going to live. That by being in touch with him, he'd be around it, and inevitably he would screw up.

Last week this turned into a huge to-do between us. (There was a bit more to it all than I am writing here, this is a public blog after all...) and the short of it was this - he said he would never call him again. Ever. I clearly showed my lack of faith in that statement.. which infuriated him, that I was "calling him a liar" - my reply? "How many times am I supposed to believe the same lie???"

That went over awesome. He freaked. Got even more irate. And said "I will NEVER call that number again, EVER. YOU CAN STAKE OUR RELATIONSHIP ON IT."

Hmmm. Okay.

This was last Thursday, I think.

Since Friday he has seemed to be making an extreme effort to keep his mood swings under control... which makes the conversation I need to have with him later today that much harder.

He called that guy on Monday when he was off on his own running an errand. He called him 4 times. He seems to think deleting the call off the phone removes it from existence. But I checked online... I had to know.

"You can stake our relationship on it..." Keeps screaming in my head.

Now what......?

Monday, September 24, 2012

Ups and downs...

Ups and downs.. ins and outs. And then we go back up again. Life is a roller-coaster. It's supposed to be that way. This I know. I swear it. But is it always supposed to feel like it's one more loose bolt away from completely derailing? Landing in a fire filled tar pit of certain doom? No.. that is NOT how it is supposed to feel.

One day things are okay. Then there are 2 or 3 days of shitty. Then I get surprised with a consistent good streak & these are the moments that make me feel - guilty? Though that doesn't feel like the right word... for feeling the way I was on Friday. Friday I was highly annoyed. Really just ready to throw in the towel. Accept things will never change... go ahead and let the glass hit the floor - so I could begin to do the inevitable, of picking up the metaphorical pieces and getting on with it.

Then Friday night was just fine... pretty much as expected. Pay day usually is, the one day a week I can count on being okay. Then, Saturday, with one small exception was just fine too. When my husband got home, he walked in the door & saw my sons shirt was ripped at the collar. Immediately it began an issue. He asks him what happened. My son says he didn't know. That's the go-to reply it seems. I know what it is. An attempt to diminish conflict on the children's part. But my husband always makes that backfire and draws it out, demanding an answer other than that... and on & on it will go. Thankfully I was right there. I stopped him.. he had already started in, saying something like "you just can't help but lie" or you are just a liar or something like that. It seemed more harsh than just that at the time so I think I am not remembering it fully... but anyway - I was right there, stopped him & said "I'm sure he doesn't know, it's been like that for months, I had just talked to [my son] about it a couple weeks ago..."

That shut my husband down & he tried to bitch at me about it once the kids were back outside.. asking me why I would intervene like that... I told him, because he has no reason talking so nasty to the kids over something so ridiculous. Maybe saying that actually made a point. Maybe somewhere along the line he has realized I've truly hit my breaking point. The rest of the day, and the entire weekend went without any incident. Things were truly pleasant. For the first time, at least consistently for that long, in a while. It would be awesome if it would continue. But only time will tell on that one.

So, that is about where I am right now. It would be nice if the evening would continue the pattern. I'll keep my fingers crossed at least.

Meanwhile I have to call the power company and hope they will take a payment Friday, instead of today like the arrangement I have with them states. I cannot stand being constantly behind on everything. It is a never ending cycle. Every utility vehicle that pulls onto the road, sends my mind reeling. A deep rooted fear that is always constant, wondering what will get shut off next. I long for the day that my nerves will not be so frayed enough where I don't have to constantly worry. It just seems like a pipe dream at the moment.

Cross your fingers for me....

Friday, September 21, 2012

Emotional Whiplash

I feel like I am falling apart on the inside. Completely full of confusion. There is pressure on me from every direction, including from within myself.. and I just have no clue what to do. When I feel overly pressured... stressed beyond my limits, and confused - I tend to find a holding pattern, and get trapped. But I cannot let the past repeat itself. I simply cannot. But I just have no. clue. what. to. do.

Four years ago when I left New York, and came back to Mobile, it seemed wonderful. For a little while I was quite happy... but that hasn't lasted. I don't know if blame actually lies anywhere, or if it is all situation or circumstance. But something has got to give - before I simply break in half.

For a couple of years now things have not been perfect with my husband. But I am not one to give up easily. In fact, I can hold on much, much too long. And I do not want history to repeat itself. I want to be happy. I want my children to be happy. There is so much I want to do. So many things I want to see. I want my husband by my side for them. But my faith in that is waning. He has grown more sullen... less cheerful.. and has had much, much more frequent bouts of a terrible, nasty attitude over this past year. I don't know what to do. I tried talking to him about it. He said it would change. Nothing has. He turns around and blames me for this, and that, oh, and that too - none of which are things I can do a damned thing to change right now. And I will not live this way until our toddler starts school. And that seems to be what I am facing.

She adores her Daddy. So the thought of ripping our home apart completely immobilizes me. But at the same time, I only want happiness for her. And for my two older children. It's begun to affect their happiness. Everyone walks on eggshells around my husband. That is just wrong, on so many levels. I've tried to tell him. He just gets defensive. Deflects the reasoning behind it to someone else's fault. My oldest daughter has now begun complaining to her father about it. This spells trouble in a number of ways. He is pressuring me to fix it somehow for the sake of the kids happiness. He is right. A friend is pressuring me to fix it for the sake of my AND the kids happiness. She is right.

Yet, I am stuck like my feet are locked in cured concrete.

We will have a horrible day, like Wednesday was. And an even worse day, like yesterday.. where it was so awesomely wonderful around here I was getting asked "is that's where you are going to go stay?" - When I was simply looking up an address to see where it was. The thought of looking for somewhere to stay had not even crossed my mind... until then. And then today, I get calls, just to tell me he loves me.

I have emotional whiplash.

I know that 10 minutes of happy doesn't negate 2 days of misery. It is a process that gets repeated all too often around here. And I just want to put my head in my hands and cry.

I do not want to give up on my husband. I truly don't. We could be happy. And if I took the kids and left, it would absolutely devastate him. I do not want to do that to him.

I've tried telling him his moods are the heart of the issues. But it's like he just doesn't hear me. I do not know what else I can do to make him see it.

I'm sad. And completely distraught on the inside. But I have to put on a happy face on the outside. If today is a "good" day, I'll take it for what it is and enjoy it. But I feel like a ticking time bomb. And I have the patience to endure very, very few more "bad" days.

Thursday, September 20, 2012


I don't feel like I have it all together today. To say I feel like I am in a funk isn't exactly it.. but I honestly cannot really put my finger on it I suppose.

Can anyone tell me - what is love? Is it something you feel? Something you do? Is everyone's definition of love different? And if it is, how can you tell if you are ever truly loved by someone?

I feel this wall going up inside of myself. I don't like it. I hate living that way. I spent way too long living like that and not even knowing it years ago. I refuse to do it again. Yet I don't know how to stop. Forgive me if this is a rambling mess. Sometimes I just have to get it all out, whether it is coherent or not I guess.

Last night I found myself going 'round & 'round with my husband yet again. I do this that he doesn't like. He does that which I can't stand... and around & around we go. It's a conversation akin to beating a dead horse. It feels like it has no end. We will just keep going in circles, until someone gets too dizzy, and stops the torment, usually with an uncomfortable silence. Not a resolution of any sort.

I wanted to ask him - why, if he dislikes so much, is he even torturing himself by being here. Of course, he'd tell me he loves me. I know this because I've asked it once before. But - what IS love?

To me, it should be something you feel deep inside. A longing for someone. A warmth when you see them. A comfort in every touch. The sad thing is, I can remember my ex-husband asking ME why I loved him. We would go around & around with our arguments much the same. Back then I was holding onto the fear of being on my own. I was in love with the idea of love...

Today - I see an elderly couple, holding hands walking down the street... a team, together through thick & thin, two people that you know will be there for one another, no matter what.

For once in my life, I want to feel like I am the center of someone's world.

Then I feel guilty for even thinking that way. Maybe I am? I don't know.

I am getting nowhere with this. It's certainly not helping me clear my head. So for now I will close.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Shattered Glass..

I have a barrage of things I need to get done today. But I finally have this blog up to date, and I need to write. Desperately. So for a little while, the floor can remain dusty and the dishes are safe in the sink. I have to make a cake for my baby girl - today is her 10th birthday after all...  the time has flown by at a rate I can simply describe as, unfair. In every sense of the word. All of that can wait just a little while though...

I truly hope tonight my husband is in a good mood. If he isn't, I just might not be able to take it anymore. At all. I've been hovering around my breaking point for months now. I absolutely loathe that sensation. To truly not know if on any given day, it will be the day I say "I cannot do this anymore..."

But I digress...

A few years ago when my life became too hectic to continue writing as much as I liked to - I don't even really know how to describe it... it's like I just got caught in a maelstrom - rushing around in circles yet going nowhere... fast.

For a while there after my separation & then divorce of my first marriage, I'd found this inner strength that in some ways, I suppose was a weakness. It blinded me to the downsides of things. I felt invincible. Life is merely the sum of the choices we make though - and I've made mine. I still have plenty left to make as well.

For a while there, it's like I set up happily in my rose colored glass bubble on cloud nine. Happily oblivious to so much. Not knowing, the longer I stayed in that bubble, happily up on that (partially fictional) cloud - the harder and unforgiving the concrete ground would be when I slammed back down to reality. My rose colored glass bubble has shattered into thousands of pieces... and I am not exactly sure what to do. At times I wish I could glue all the pieces back together again... hold my three children as tightly as possible and seal us up inside. But that's not living. And the pieces wouldn't even fit back together anymore if I tried.

Some days I am angry. Some days I want to scream "fuck this shit" from the top of the highest point I could reach... pack what I could and my babies into a vehicle I don't even have, and drive until I ran out of gas. Other days I am just sad. Sad seeing my older 2 children's sadness. My husband has mood swings that have gotten worse over the past few years. I don't fully understand their catalyst. And they are the reason for most of my angst. Most of my children's angst. And the reason I contemplate leaving, more often than not these days.

But then there will be a good day. And I will feel so terribly guilty for having thought all the horrible things I may have thought the previous day, or days. And this leaves me so confused.

I am not the naive little girl I was going into my first marriage. I know you cannot change someone who doesn't want to change. I just do not exactly know where I have to go from here.

My husband and I have talked... I've told him his moods are wearing me down. He doesn't get it at all it seems. He always has a "reason" - and I am just tired of fighting the fight. We have this awesome sounding 10 year plan, which will end with us in Oregon, a part of the country I really want to go to. I'd by lying if I didn't say I haven't thought about how the kids and I can just do it on our own if we have to. And I hate that feeling of uncertainty.

I really do.

But for now - I have a cake to go bake. And a few presents to wrap. None of it is as grand or wonderful as I'd like... and that is wearing on me too. But all I can do, is just fight on for another day I suppose.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Fast forward 3 years...

Well, here we are. An actual, current entry! I felt like I was never going to get everything moved over here like I wanted!!! Please take note, if you go back, and read older entries - the date is located at the bottom of each entry, the "posted" date is incorrect, and links may not work, and pictures may not be showing up. I used to use a site called diaryland, and it still seems to have some active members, but overall has died a slow, painful death! Every link to my original posts to diaryland will get redirected to some other site. I have no idea why it is doing this, but I cannot fix it. All the entries are on here though. You know... if you wanna go all stalker & see what I have been up to for the last 10 or so years.. feel free. It's mainly for me though, I know. I wanted to make sure none of it ever got lost. I put my heart & soul into so much of what I wrote, and I plan to start doing that again. I've missed it. I need it. It is 1000 times better than a therapist for me... and I can't afford one of those anyway! *wink wink*

So - from my last entry in 2009 I was blissfully happy - and a lot has changed since then. I have a third child - and she makes every day that much brighter.

But I do have loads to vent about. And when I write, I tend to vent. A lot.

So if you are a willing victim, er, participant - I welcome you along for the ride! Hopefully by Monday I will be able to write like I want to. In the meantime, it just felt really, really good to put something truly current in here.

Friday, September 14, 2012

...Walking under ladders and crossing black cats paths...

One year... it's been over a year since my children and I moved home... to the city I grew up in - to begin our lives over - completely. My idea wasn't to immediately jump into a relationship... but it just sort of happened - and I am thankful every single day, that it did. I knew it was headed that way anyway... and so - in late July of last year, I moved in with my Charlie. He and I had been an item for a bit in High School.... and were reconnected by a friend early, early last year. And - I am so happy.

I've found myself over, and over again - parts of me I had no idea I had lost. It is such a wonderful feeling... When I realized last week it had been a year already - I couldn't stop smiling. Getting to the 1 year mark in my marriage had seemed like such a struggle... Yet - this year - it just kind of crept up on me. The good has far out weighed the bad - and what little bad there has been - has merely been money issues anyway. Seems for now that will continue - but it doesn't even matter. I could lose every material thing I have - and everything would still be - wonderful.

Laying in bed at night - I feel so very safe, and protected. I am thinner than I have been in years. My hair is longer than it has been in years... and for the first time in my life - I know exactly who I am. I can be exactly what I want - and I'm not judged or ridiculed.. I have more help than I ever have too...

We took my babies on their first camping trip for my birthday this year.. and they had a blast! We went back again last weekend - and hopefully.. will go once more before fall. My baby boy starts Kindergarten a week from Monday... and I just want to slow time down - if only for a moment - so I can take it all in, and enjoy.

Every moment of every day is a gamble - a risk. And if we don't take the risk - we keep standing still.. while life goes on with out us. I stood still for so long - for a little while there catching up to the movement was frightening... but I have found my way. And I've found a very strong hand to hold - any time I might need one.

I know this isn't much in the way of an update... I just haven't had time to write like I used to... One of these day's I'll get around to really writing something - I promise!!

Posted Date: : Aug 1, 2009 4:14 PM

Reading Innuendos

Late last week… I stepped outside in the middle of the afternoon… craving a breather. A moment of fresh air. A reprieve from indoor air and the windowless spot I occupy. The air outside was cool… the breeze was warm… the thick layer of clouds kept the sun a world away – and the smell of grass and dirt, spring flowers and serenity simply filled the air. Home….....

I have felt it before – but I really felt it then – this is home. I do love ....New York..... And there will always be a place in my heart for it. The smell of the salty sea air as a blizzard begins to rage… my personal joy of shoveling a snow covered drive way… But – it’s not home anymore. And I felt that stronger than ever last week – as I walked outside, and smiled at the warmth in the air. ....

I have one hour to sit here and unload everything I want to expunge from myself. It may not do… I may get distracted… but I want to try. I need to try. I have no time to write these days and it is something I crave.

This weekend I found myself on a long drive… and long drives can be very good for my soul it seems. Last summer I had plenty of chances to let my mind race and work through all the issues that plague me, as I drove – from ..New York.. to ..Texas..… then ..Texas.. to ..Alabama.., then back to ....Texas....… then… BACK to ....Alabama..... This weekend, as I drove 3 hours to see a cherished, dear old friend, and a wonderful new one – I found myself wandering into that “drive and think” mode once more. As my children sang the hymns of High School Musical, Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana (whatever her name is this week…) from the back seat… I was able to just – think.

Sometimes – that is a good thing.

Taking stock of where I have been… the frustrations, anger, sorrows, and the happy moments. And where I am going… the happiness and anticipation – coupled with of course – some natural fear of the unknown….

All those eggshells I used to walk on… live on… embraced with such passion – have been swept away. And sometimes I just do not know what to do with that freedom. It is easy – to live in that old abandoned pattern. I cannot even count the number of times I have heard “Baby, you are just too used to having to explain every little detail….” I look back and I see why things were the way they were… and I know I will never find myself there again… it is just amazing that I still behave as if I am living that life… old patterns are hard to break…

It was like a vice. And it is all too easy to trade one vice for another… Nothing of course, as obvious as a glass of whiskey hidden in a bottom bedroom drawer… But we all have our vices. Whether we admit them or not. And most of us will fight tooth and nail to protect them…

So… where am I going with this? I haven’t a clue. That is why I write. My mind started spinning… and I had to make it stop. ....

When you reach a point of comfort in your life… do you stay? Or do you force yourself to find a better level of happiness? Happiness is a choice you make – correct? What if you can be happy, yet, crave more? Not a lot more… just – a little. Is it a boat you risk over turning? Do you wait – and see if the current carries you where you desire to be anyway?

And round… and round it goes………..

....I wish I had time to finish!

Posted Date: : Mar 30, 2009 7:42 AM

Caught while falling...

Ok – I apparently took an unintentional breather from writing for a good bit longer than I ever wanted to… First there was the job I adored – that kept me running crazy loops around myself for 60 hours a week during the end of last year…
And then… the work load just – stopped. Grinding halt. So – it was no surprise – though truly heartbreaking to me at the same time… when I was given notice my temporary position had come to an end. ....
So then, at that point – I still had no time for writing… I was job hunting like a crazy person in a jobless economy that laughed, and mocked me at every brick wall I slammed into…....
Just when I really felt like I was about to crack… the weight of the world forcing my shoulders to the ground – I broke. ....
Really. ....
My body simply – gave up. ....
On an already unbearably stressful morning… as I sat on my couch typing away at my keyboard – the pain started. Dull… aching… oh, please not now…. I can’t handle a kidney infection right now… I thought to myself. Ten minutes or so went by… I sent a friend a text message – hoping she could bring me grapefruit juice while she was at lunch…. A little more time went by… I felt sick… my run to the bathroom left me crying in pain – on the cold, hard, unforgiving tile floor. ....
I knew I had a big problem. ....
But I had so many things to worry about – my boyfriend working, me not – we could not afford him to leave early and come home…. Who would get the kids? Just up and going to the hospital made no sense to me, and felt impossibly complicated – in my pain induced stupor. ....
I drug myself to my room – and laid on my bed… the dull ache from an hour earlier now a searing knife…. I wondered aloud to my poor, concerned and puzzled dog “why me?” I felt totally smitten by God… and shit on by life. No job. No money. Now… this??....
It was then that my phone rang. Apparently my friend – on seeing how bad off I was when she stopped by (must have not hid it as well as I thought…) had gone straight to my boyfriend at work. All the way across town. On her tiny lunch hour. And “told on me.” I had hardly spoken a word when I was cut off and told “don’t worry about anything – just get to the hospital.” (Actually, I think he said, “are you crazy? Don’t worry about anything – get your ASS to the hospital….”)....
And I was in no position to argue. ....
By the end of that day – I had a list of medical woes compliments of the ....Emergency Room CT.... scan – including the diagnosis for my immediate pain. A large kidney stone. (NOT an infection, as I had thought.) But I also felt more secure, and loved – than maybe I ever had before. Ever. ....
From the care and concern shown by my boyfriend’s family – who have taken me in simply as if I belong – a feeling I so longed for and never got in 10 years of marriage from my ex-husbands family… (to give credit where it is due, I was a little close with his mother, and that, was all.) And the concern of friends too far away to be at my side… (because I know you would have been..) to the ones who were. Getting my children from school. Taking shifts at the hospital with my children. Getting me home. Getting my car home.  Everyone helped me in some way on that day. I had never felt so protected before. ....
In the span of that ONE DAY – I hit one of the lowest points I may have ever hit… (almost) – literally asking God what I had done wrong in what lifetime to be so constantly, meanly toyed with…....
To the polar opposite. Feeling so very loved and cared for. By my friends who are my family. ....
A few weeks and two kidney surgeries later – life is slowly getting back in order. Yes – two kidney surgeries. The kidney stone was too large to correct any other way – and splitting the surgery into two parts may have hurt more in the short term, but took weeks off my recovery time, and saved me from a huge gash filled with stitches in my back. ....
Those other issues that were on the CT scan? We will get to those soon enough. But for now – I am still recovering, AND I have started a new job… and I have way too many bills to catch up on… and well – I just really need to catch my breath.....
This has been a month full of intense personal reflection – and that is putting it very gently. ....

Posted Date: : Mar 18, 2009 7:30 AM


How can a person change so much, in just a year? Time feels as if it moves so slowly as it is happening... until one day you look back - standing firmly in the present - and a year has passed, in the blink of an eye.

I don't recognize who I was a year ago. I am the same person - only, better. All the strengths I had then, that I was just beginning to find - are here to stay.

I am sitting here... at home. Searching for a job, and growing more and more concerned that I haven't found one yet. "Don't worry, it's only been 5 days.." I hear his words circling in my head yet... that doesn't stop me from feeling a bit frantic at the entire situation.... But I am trying to see the bright side of it.

You see, we just moved. Into a pretty little house, in a wonderful little neighborhood we (my boyfriend and I) both wanted to move into - and, here we are. So - I am looking at it as a blessing in disguise. The still packed boxes neither of us had time to get to yet, I can tackle this week.... the "ok, where am I going to put THAT stuff we hardly use" area can get gone through - and the Mt. Washmore can get whittled down to size as well... (stole your line - don't you love me???!)

And as I am busily walking through the house, prattling on to myself - where any passerby would stop, call the guys with the white suits and straight jackets and medication and.... Anyway - I realize - the things coming out of my mouth - are things the "me" I used to be would never have said.

One year. A totally different person.

I have gone from afraid, and down, and all sorts of things to - Outspoken. Whoa. When the hell did that happen? I speak my mind. I say what I mean and mean what I say. And I say it bluntly, with no hesitation. Yeah.. I am surprised too. I always say I am shy. I built my screen name around it 15 years ago and kept it - and - I am just not that quiet little girl anymore. I am far from shy. I have become the one that leads the crowd.. well - cool!

While I am taking this pause for personal reflection - I want to say something. Something hard fought and very important to me. The other day I stepped on the scale at a friends house. I don't even own a scale anymore... so it had been months since I have been on one. This time last year I was just beginning to really try to loose weight. I knew what horrible number I weighed. And I knew what number I wanted to be at. And there was an 80 lb gap between the two.

Now... that gap? Well.... it is only a 20 lb gap.

Yes... I have lost 60 lbs.

Funny thing is - when I take a picture, I still think I look just like I did a year ago. Then again, a year ago I angled all my pictures a certain way... and now - I just take them. So... I guess maybe it's just something I don't see?

Anyhow... I am patting myself on the back.

Now... I need a job!!!!!! (Think happy thoughts!)

Posted Date: : Feb 9, 2009 12:01 PM

Chocolate Ice Cream for Breakfast...

What truly makes the world go 'round? Is it honestly money? It certainly feels that way these days. I have joined the many people in the world without a job... I have been out of work for 4 days now, and it feels like an eternity. My household relies on my income. Very strongly on my income. Yet, here I am - laid off by dwindling work, nothing I did wrong.... and as I send out resume after resume I wonder... what happens next? I know better.. act like I already have it... "should have's" in one hand and worry in another keep me everywhere but today. And today is all I am certain of. Drop the mask and put one foot in front of the other... after all, that is the only thing truly left to do, is it not?


And my poor head just flooded itself with all the things I have wanted to sit down and write over the past couple of months, but have not had time too... and I got a bit stuck....


As the new year turned.. I found myself reflecting on the insanity of what 2008 had given me...


The gifts disguised as assaults.... The strengths disguised as weaknesses...


It all fades into memory so fast...


Ok... I am off to email out more resumes... but I will write more soon - VERY soon, I swear it this time!!

Posted Date: : Feb 5, 2009 11:30 AM

Companions to our Demons...

*I had this locked - I changed my mind - for a moment anyway...*

Through the looking glass of time…. The looking glass of our lives… if you could change anything – what would it be? No… I have always said I would change nothing…. And I hold myself to that – I truly do. Without taking the path I did, my life would not be a shadow of what it is now…. And the thought of not having the 2 children I do – is not one I can hold in my mind, for even a glimpse… So… looking back in time, I would change nothing… and I know this, with every fiber of my soul…..

Perhaps it's coming home to ..Mobile that's done it… perhaps it is the holidays…. Perhaps, it is seeing the ways the lives of others played out here… the places I could have ended up… but I find myself mourning what "could have been" more and more… I have never been one to hold onto that sort of thing, at all. I make my choices, and stick with them… I made my bed, 10 years ago when my ex-husband put that ring on my finger… and I stuck with it… it is just who I am.

I am longing for answers when I don't even understand the questions I am asking…

(Just to be sure I clarify this – incase anyone HASN"T spoken to me on the phone recently and it completely confused – I am not in any way mourning my marriage… that thing should have ended a few years earlier if anything…. No, this has NOTHING to do with him…)

We are all companions to our demons… dancing the dance of life…. In a never-ending cycle – or so it seems.

I want to be who I am… strong and capable… able to make my own way through life… yet I long for someone who will say "stay close to me, while the sky is falling…."

To feel protected and loved… no matter what the task may be, how high the mountain is to climb…

Someone to take my breath away… to treat me with such care, as if I am made of glass… even when he knows I am made of steel…

This confusion circling my mind… running rampant with my emotions – I do not know where it came from, or how it started – but I hate this feeling of uncertainty…

If I could reside in the land of my daydreams…. Where anything I wanted could happen – what life would I lead? Would I alter mine? Would I adjust anything? If only it was that simple… what would I find before my eyes as I opened them each morning?

As I freefall from this cliff… still the bottom remains unseen… as my desire for a parachute dwindles… who holds my life in their hands? There is me…. And only me. My faith – in myself… my wants, and my desires… but I need more certainty in those… I do not believe in fate… we make our own destiny… But what destiny have I chosen? What if I want to push pause? Life has no pause button… the ultimate certainty of the demise of slamming into the bottom of this pit I am falling faster and faster into is certain. Concrete… nothing will change that. Unless… I can sprout my wings. But, I have to remember how to fly first…….

Loving my metaphors…. Until next time……….

Posted Date: : Nov 30, 2008 6:29 PM


Watching you… watching me… I wonder, what do you see? Am I everything you thought I would be? All perceptions are a projection of our own happy little version of reality… of life… you see me one way…. Yet I see me another… through which looking glass is best? Through which one is true?

As I speak in metaphors only those who know me can see right through….

I need a deep breath. A moment of silence… a moment of solace… a way to push all the jumbled thoughts in my head out – and take them all back in, slowly – in their proper order, with the right priorities assigned to each one… But I have no way of doing that right now… I have no outlet… I can almost steal a moment, when I step outside… and take in the oddly warm late fall air… as the smell of dirt and fallen leaves fills the rain moistened space around me. But what does it get me? Where does it lead me? Just deeper into my overworked mind I am afraid…

Perhaps I am just tired… a sound night's sleep has not been mine in all too long… But I have grown used to that – sleeping well has not been a friend to me in what seems like years, and probably is, years.

Hello again cliff… my dear friend… challenger of my wits and all that… I took my leap, yet nothings happened. No wings were sprouted… no bridge to the other side found… yet, I did not crash into your jagged edges either. It seems my fate remains undecided… free falling – waiting on an outcome. It is too late to turn back now… and I would not choose to, even if I could… everything in life worth doing, has risk, after-all. Yet I packed no parachute… and I would truly love a hint, at how it all ends…

Not all who wander… are lost. (J.R.R. Tolkien)

Posted Date: : Nov 29, 2008 5:46 PM


Blindly running towards the goal… the grass cold beneath your feet… chilled by the frigid late fall air…. The moon drowning out so many of the beautiful stars in the endless sky… that goal… off in the distance… unseen, but you know it is there… it has to be there… after all, it is why you do, what you do – isn't it? All this work… all this time… all this energy… running so fast, pushing so hard… the wheels can only spin in place....

I want everything to just fall into place… I am driving myself, forging forward so hard – I need it. That is my goal. But, how do I define it? Do I define it as, "making it through the holidays" – do I define it as, pulling a miracle off and getting the kids one expensive Christmas gift? (When the past 3 years, they have had multiple presents under the tree…) Do I define it further away – getting a different car… moving to a bigger house… or further than that – buying a house I can call my own… I want all the knowledge, and all the answers… I want to know exactly what the next step I need to take is, now. But there lies the trick…. I won't know what my next step is, until… it is taken.

Life used to be something I lived so carefully. I planned everything to the fullest… And now – now I am still planning… but it feels different. I have no idea why…

Overall, I feel very content right now… I want to be more financially secure… but – so does everyone else it seems.

My goals… right now, I need to just relax, and focus on them week, to week. I have enough money to buy Aidan a very small present or two – my little guy turns 5 on Monday. And then, on Wednesday, I *will* find a way to buy a Christmas Tree… and put money aside for bills. I just hope getting a tree isn't a mistake – but I refuse to wait, wait until my hours have grown shorter at work, and it financially hurts much more to part with the cost of a tree. I have to get all new ornaments, decorations… everything… so, right now – THAT is my goal. The week after that… will be rent. One week at a time…….


I wonder, if everyone is as guilty of playing the wicked mind games with themselves as I am… there are these 3 little words I have been craving, so deeply to hear. Well… Wednesday morning, I heard them… He made sure to speak it very clearly, so I could not mistake it… so I knew he meant it – "Love you…" as he left the room… it swept against my soul and startled me clearly awake… I had no time to give a response, other than stumbling over my words as I stuttered out my usual "call me…."

So… now I guess it is my turn to go next… But I have set myself up with this deep fear of rejection… fear of opening myself up… speaking my mind… and hearing silence from the other side of the room as I have once before…. It is a risk…. And I am not fond of risks that involve my heart….

I know… I hear the words I told you only last week… everything worth doing in life has risk… or so it seems….

The edge of this cliff is like an old familiar friend to me this year… so many times, for so many different reasons I have felt myself here…. Teetering on it…. Pondering the risks… yes, there is that word again – risk. When I step off, will I be caught? Will I sprout wings? Will I find a bridge to the other side? Or, perhaps, I will crash into the jagged, hard edges of the ground far, far beneath me….

1…2…3… jump…

Posted Date: : Nov 23, 2008 2:31 AM

To blur a line...

There is a dog.... somewhere close by... barking. And I do not believe in violence towards animals of any kind.... but, right now - I really do not like that dog very much. It's 2:30 in the morning, and tomorrow... will be a very long day at work... and I will have 3 hours of sleep to handle it all in.... Yay?

(Disclaimer - I am tired, I am feeling the urge to seriously speak my mind... I have vowed to keep my entries open... and I am a person of my word....)

There is a line I walk.... I always have... one hand dipped deeply into their own separate worlds... one is the soccer mom... the Autism advocate... PTA involved class mom... and the other... comes from a world no one expects... a bit of a rebel... a Pagan... I don't conform, and I don't try. I don't flaunt it... and people happily assume anything they like about me.... and recently I look in the mirror... and I see the line, that line I have so carefully kept emboldened with a dark, thick marker... blurred. Not that I would announce my spirituality to my new found much more conservative friends... I am not saying that at all... it is just that - for the first time in YEARS - I am exactly who I want to be.

I know this is probably sounding like a repetitive, over tired ramble... that may not have a point at all... but I am working on it. And yes, to a point I speak in metaphors - I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, after all...

And see... I just stopped myself because... I know this will have an "audience" reading it.... okay... here goes.. let's get personal... (so I can read this tomorrow morning, go, OH, MY GOD - I said that??? And lock it up on you... read it fast, it may not last! Look, I rhyme when I am overtired and can't see straight!)

I am not without my frustrations... and I know that is normal... I fear I don't know how to ask for what I want... I have realized I a just not good at "talking" about some things... and when my subtle hints are missed... well... I end up awake in the middle of the night, with insomnia. This part of me I have been missing for years.... I can finally enjoy.... and I just need to figure out how to be clear in everything I need... I suppose...

See... I warned you this would be a barely coherent ramble... am I living up to my promise?

How do you switch gears in the middle of what you thought was your life... and find a new groove? I mean, I have one... I have found a damn good new groove... but sometimes it hits these jagged edges... and I don't exactly know what I am supposed to DO with that. Where does normal fall in this new place I have found myself called my life?

At what point do I say "look, every so often I want you to stick your friggin arm over me when I fall asleep at night..." (this is just one example) - when, I know that's the exact opposite of how he is. But, it is what I want... where does the compromise reside? I have yet to find it... and whether it is that.. or something more intense... I need to figure this thing out.... no - it is not a "deal breaker" - it just leaves me a bit frustrated at times... and it's not something I am USED to craving. I spent years not wanting anything of the sort in my past relationship... and to feel the opposite now... like I said - where is normal?

I look in the mirror and I see EXACTLY who I want to be. Yet, I find myself holding back when it comes to speaking my desires. Why? Why do I do that? Is it a fear of rejection? Maybe... Is it the lack of that old comfort zone - that false ideal I was living for so long I forgot what I liked?

Alright.... enough rambling. It is after 3 AM - and I have over 11 hours of rather intense work that starts in... just over 4 hours. I will finish this tomorrow... errr - today.... Maybe.

Or maybe I will see it when I get up, decide it is much to personal.. and lock it up nice and tight...............

Posted Date: : Oct 29, 2008 9:23 AM

Roses at Dawn...

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell. ~ Joan Crawford

I know I have written about time a number of times... (pun intended..) and a number of ways... and here, I go again. At least briefly. Time became a raging river on me in the past few weeks, and writing like I love to do became something that had to fall to the wayside - for a moment anyway...

So, here I am. A moment to spare. A moment out of my day I stole for myself - because I have not done it enough recently.

I think the last place I left off, the last time I really wrote - I was about to start a job I was really not looking forward to, at all. That all changed in the 11th hour with a last minute interview with a new place - and I am so very thankful it did. So... I now have a job I love (everyone, think happy thoughts it is permanent - there was the chance when I started it would not be...) and it makes much better money than the other one would have as well...

So... here I am. Where is that? Well, it is exactly where I want to be right now. Comfortable... and happy... nearly secure even...

Yes... secure. Well, almost. I still feel totally broke, because I am being so careful... but I was actually able to get out and DO things with my babies this weekend... which has become even more important than before, because work is eating up so much of my time. We went to Bellingrath Gardens on Saturday evening. They had hot air balloons, and little trick or treat spots all through the gardens. Jillian loved the rose garden... she must have stopped to smell the roses 200 times... Yes, a literal reminder to slow down and enjoy life... staring me in the face. They enjoyed that so much... and it felt so good... and freeing - being able to part with the $10 that made it possible.

Sunday we all piled into the car - and headed to the Battleship (USS Alabama) - of course the camera battery died - but I am going to see if I got any good enough to post ones on my cell phone... There was a small rose garden there as well... and Charlie made sure I slowed down enough to enjoy the wonderful scent - Okay - I get the Universal Hint... time to slow down, and enjoy life a bit more. And it is about time, isn't it?

The past few months have been so easy in some ways - ways I have struggled with for years now... getting comfortable with myself in ways I had forgotten to be comfortable with myself... yet - it has been quite hard in others.

I have learned so much about myself - as a person, and as a mother. I want to enjoy my children more. Much more. Sometimes I feel stuck on auto pilot - especially recently... I get home, feed them if they have not eaten - clean them up, and off to bed they go. Yesterday was a deviation from what has become the "norm" - they were so well behaved ALL day, and we all were just truly relaxed for a while. We got home, and ate... then I surprised them with cupcakes... you would have thought they were made of gold... it completely made their night. I want to remember to enjoy those moments more. I want to get everything running on auto pilot on it's own - so that I don't have to. So I can sit back, and enjoy things again... for the first time - in years.

My children remind me to do it everyday... I just have to open my ears and listen...

One day last week... as I grumbled as I tripped over a toy and searched for the puppies leash... grumbling about it not being where I expected it to be... and I grumbled at my children to "hurry up! get dressed! find your shoes! brush your teeth! fix your hair!..." I threw open the door, because the poor dog was sitting there crossing his legs at this point... and suddenly, Aidan squealed with joy "MOMMY!! Look!! The clouds are orange!! Why are they orange?? It's so PRETTY Mommy!!!!"

And I shut up my grumbling... took my sweet baby boy by the hand... and sat on the steps to watch the sunrise with him....

Those are the moments you should cherish, and live for. Like my daughter's contagious giggles yesterday, as she sat with me in a flight simulator at the battleship... Those are the moments I want to hold onto forever...

Nothing is perfect... and they have had to do a lot of adjusting over the past few months... but it is a work in progress... and they have me... and I... have them.... and that is all we need.

(And I have to split this into another entry I will try to write later on this week!!!)

Posted Date: : Oct 28, 2008 3:39 AM

Owls, Bats, and Fireflys...

The beat of life... thump, thump... thump... Can you hear it? You probably can't - unless you stop, and pay attention. Whether your listening or not though... it marches on, silently - just like a heartbeat... unheard until it is listened to. I always cherish those reminders to stop... and listen.

Fall brought one of those reminders with it this year... I love Fall... I always have. I spend all year longing for it... though this year - being in the South again - I had somewhere allowed myself to let go of my anticipation for it. I wasn't even thinking about it... then overnight - right on time - something wonderful happened... it arrived - and woke me up!

I love the way the air feels as a crisp breeze caresses your skin... I opened the door last night, in the hours long before dawn... maybe 3 am - my new furry companion (the puppy) had nudged me awake with a sense of urgency, so - out we went. When I opened that door - I found the air surprisingly chilled... the dew already thick on each blade of grass, and together we stood there - and took in the new season.... it felt so refreshing.. I stared at the stars for a moment.. Then the hoot of an owl grabbed my attention... then another from somewhere further away followed... and I just wanted to drink in that moment...

Then I realized the puppy was practically peeing on my foot.....

But I have been greatly enjoying the nightly middle of the night puppy walks... a task I have in the past loathed... I have been looking at the stars again each night while I am out there... I had forgotten how much I loved to do that... maybe it was that all the stars were dimmed in NY by all the city lights... but I enjoy it so much... look up into that vast space, and gaze at - everything...

I have had a few moments recently that I wish I could just bottle up, save, and remember forever. Those quiet moments outside at night... a sliver of time a few evenings ago when - I had the most horrible migraine - and I felt more taken cared of and - even concerned about than I have in years... and it was just a headache... But there are these moments of comfort, and security... I want to just hold onto - so I never forget what it feels like again.

So - I have been feeling so bad when everyone speaks to me recently and I seem to exude this presence of pure... stress. One of these days I WILL get it all balanced out... Really.

I start work on Monday. For the past 6 years, my "job" has been my children. This job I am starting - it is a basic job that will just "hold me over" until I find something better... this I know - yet still - I have to get myself back in the swing of things and that is stressing me greatly. Not to mention - finding the gas money to get to and from it until I get the first check... and of course - I have no "work" wardrobe anymore. But... one day at a time... I know what I am wearing on Monday... and, maybe Tuesday. Friday apparently jeans are ok... so - somehow I will get it covered...

I will update again soon.........

Posted Date: : Sep 26, 2008 10:11 PM


(I wrote this, not last night, but the night before... at about 1 am.)

Time... why does it seem - that time for me is never neutral? It is either enemy or friend - but it never simply... IS. I say this because here I sit - at my... our... kitchen table - yet another sleepless night embracing me so tightly... not even the wisps of light from that beautiful full moon is soothing to my skin...

Insomnia... there are times in my life where my ability to go for days - even weeks at a time on sleep that consisted of an hour here... a "nap" there was mostly a blessing. But not right now. Now, it just seems to make me endlessly cranky. It fogs my head a bit. It lowers my pain threshold too... a pain that is the root of my inability to sleep to begin with...

I long for a day where I get up.... dawn cresting over the horizon... jog two miles, maybe more... snag a refreshing shower... merrily cart my children off to school... then go somewhere for a few hours... well - the majority of the day - to work - to "earn my keep" - a piece of paper to drop off at my bank that says "here - society says your worth something..." then I come home.... greeted by my smiling children... the warm embrace of a man who loves me... and I make dinner... clean up afterwards - tuck my angels into their beds, and retreat to my own bed for the evening... to enjoy the comfort of the man I love... and drift off to sleep... Then, wake up to do it all over again.........

Of course - I want deviations in there as well... but the theme that remains consistent? No pain.

How the hell do I get to there from here?

Sometimes I just feel like I am on overload. Sometimes I feel so insecure. In everything. Am I doing "it" right? Are my expectations "normal." It... what is it? Life. Am I a good mother? Am I patient enough? Am I stern enough? Do I snap too quick? Do I not snap enough? Do I jump at the wrong things? Am I a good "girlfriend?" Am I too insecure? Do I expect too much?

Will I ever have any answers? Life simply seems to be a confusing whirlwind of questions that rarely get answered... and when you do stumble upon that rare answer to one of those burning questions - it merely gives you another infinite number of questions... doesn't it?

You see... I feel lost somewhere between comfortable, happy, and scared out of my mind.

I don't like sounding insecure. I don't like feeling it either. For years now, I have struggled with it... in one form or another. This is different... this is not me questioning someone else... This is an insecurity with myself... I don't want to let anyone down.

I love where I am at... and who I am with...

I have said it before, and I will say it again... Sometimes - I feel like damaged goods. After so very many years of putting up with so much - sometimes I just don't know how to act, I suppose.

And I really, really hate the physical pain I am in. That is dragging me down terribly.

Well... unless I find something better before then... (I hope I do.....) I start work on September 29th. And that will give me insurance, after 3 months. Light at the end of the tunnel? We shall see....

Posted Date: : Sep 17, 2008 7:46 AM

The one you want to read....

Hello again... my trusted friend. It's been way too long since I sat down, and really expunged everything twisted around in my head...

You know that place... that spot I am sure you have reached at least once, probably many times in your life where - your sheer, overwhelming exhaustion has found an intersection along the road it's forcing you to travel - and you find your 3rd, or 7th "wind?" Suddenly you can run a marathon and still have the energy to do it all over again? Your reflexes are more sharp than they would be on a full nights sleep and your head is crystal clear?

Yeah... I took a wrong turn. Can't find that damn intersection any fricken-where. Go figure.

In a nut shell - I am REALLY, REALLY tired today. Or, this afternoon. I was just dandy when I woke up this morning.

The other day... I found myself in this odd, nostalgic, truly sad mood. It hit me out of nowhere... I was sitting on the couch, listening to my boyfriend talking to his sister. The subject of the conversation is not exactly important or relevant... but I realized - I am alone.


The feeling echoed throughout my body... and I fought back tears - because it would have been totally startling to them to look over and see me upset, over such an innocent conversation. But truly - I am alone.

If something were to happen between he and I - what do I have? I have me. I have no mother and father to go home to. I will probably never speak to my "mother" again... (I haven't written this here, all my jewelry from Peru and very sentimental things she had stolen when I went back to Texas to retrieve my stuff...) The closest thing I have to anyone there to support me, in the slightest bit of an understanding way... is my exhusband.

It is a feeling so completely terrifying to me... I feel a little bit lost.

I am not saying my current relationship is in any turmoil. Not at all... I am happy. And we talk about things in terms of years rather than months and that sort of thing... but - he has no true "obligation" to me. We are not "married" - and so - I just feel a little... overwhelmed.

I feel the knot filled lump in my throat even now. Over the past 2 months, I have asked Andrew for help more times than I can count. And he has been Saintly in accommodating each and every request. If he had not been there... I have NO idea where I would be right now.

I don't know where my "bummer" mood exactly stems from right now. I am stressed over money I suppose... (making my car payment this month is proving impossible...) I am stressing over working again for the first time in years. I start a job September 29th - with hours that will be very hard. So I am stressing over finding help with watching my children on the days when no one will be around here. I am stressing over screwing something up... making a misstep.... I am stressing over the pain in my hip...

Yes, there I go - whining about my pain. It seems cyclical... a few good months where it just aches a bit at night... then a month or so where it hurts and pinches during the day.... and I lay in bed at night... feeling as though there is barbed wire circling the nerve down my leg, as psychotic squirrels with feet made of razor blades chase themselves up and down that barbed wire, as if running circles round a tree.

Yes, it's been bad. And no, I don't talk about it to the people around me much. What is the point? It isn't understood... I can't DO anything about it... so - I just look like a complainer if I do.

So - perhaps that is dragging me down a bit as well.

It is amazing, how I can feel so bummed - but still - I am happier now than I had been in years... I just wish things were a little more certain.

"The path of least resistance, is the path of the loser." ~ H.G. Wells

"One often meets his destiny, on the road he takes to avoid it." (I got that from Kung Fu Panda. Yes, I derive wondrous inspiration.... from a child's movie. Go me!)

This felt much longer AS I wrote it. I will try to add to it later, or maybe tomorrow!!

Posted Date: : Sep 12, 2008 2:50 AM

Every light casts some sort of shadow...

Allow me to begin this with a reminder... we all know what happens to Lisa if Lisa (that's me) doesn't write out her frustrations... say... once a week... right? Lisa becomes a cranky, sleep deprived super bitch... filled with misdirected anger...

So... in reading this, remember - I *am* happy... I just have to vent sometimes too. I *am* secure in where I live... I am just adjusting to the differences... So - this concludes your disclaimer!

Now... where the hell do I start?

The past two nights I have found myself laying awake... angry. With no direct target. A serious anger... I could feel it's thick black mass fill the room tighter with every exhale I took... it's sharp teeth and unforgiving claws, holding my mind without any escape... when I get like that, it's never good... so, I knew I was past due to write it out...

I am happy, and mostly secure. I feel safe, and even - protected with who I am with. The moments of happiness have far out weighed any of frustration... and there have been NO moments of anger... It is just that... there are 3 little words (all said in a particular order, in a particular sentence, of course) I long to hear. It eludes me. And that has really started to sadden me. I even understand why... and I am not about to try and force it... if it is meant to be, well... then in time, it will come. It just does have it's moments where - it bothers me.

Holding onto those thoughts as they ran through my mind... I found myself this weekend - turning my children over to their father (and his girlfriend) for their first ever overnight visit... it made me a little cranky... (ok, really cranky...)

Watching him... in his perfect little life... having just vacationed in Aruba with her - their cute little matching tattoos... hand holding, and lovey looks... Someone, quick - gag me.... please?

I see them, and I do crave feeling a little more secure in my position here... As Andrew is over there, living a "happily ever after" HE doesn't deserve... (at least, when I am good and angry like that - I sure as hell see it as something he doesn't deserve...)

And I watched him... snicker to her... as they pulled out of my driveway - my children in their back seat - I don't have to hear what he is saying... as he puts me down... and puts down the place we are living... I know him well enough to know exactly what he is saying. I wanted to lose my shit on him right then... yet, all weekend I managed to bite my tongue... He is NO ONE to judge me. And I am very comfortable in the house I am in. It's not my big 5 bedroom NY house - but that wasn't me anyway. Where I am now... it fits... nearly perfectly.

He can take his snickers, snide remarks, judgements, and ability to be an "awesome" PART time dad and shove it up his ass for all I care.

Sunday evening - we met for me to pick up the kids... and Aidan began to cry "I want to live with you Daddy..." as he grabbed onto his pants leg...

Andrew just stood there - with his ignorant helpless expression on his face... He didn't do anything "wrong" - but, he didn't do anything right either. I expected it. That man has *never* possessed the ability to stand behind me on *anything* - I didn't expect him to start now. He SHOULD have told Aidan "Mommy loves you" and "I'll be back in 4 weeks" and "you live with Mommy, be good for Mommy..." But, no... He stands there, this stuck on stupid look glued to his face... leaving all the tears, all the kids issues... to me.

(Of course Aidan is going to react that way... coming off a fun filled action packed weekend with no discipline, no scolding, - because it was so full he didn't do anything wrong - just... go, go, go... - and then, he has to go back to reality, routine... REAL life - and the appeal off all time "fun" Dad is overwhelming. That's all he knows of him now...)

An hour later - after he had dealt with 5 minutes of tears, and I got nearly 2 hours of it.... he texts me: "that was rough" - I damn near threw my phone across the room. I would have... if he had been there for me to hit with it.

In all of this - I haven't even touched another sore subject for me right now... On going back to Texas to get my things - I discovered my mother... "mother" - it catches in my throat to say... had raided my drawers and my jewelry box... nearly wiping me clean. One of a kind, irreplaceable items I got in Peru, gone. My mammoth tusk fossil ivory necklace... gone. (Yes, I said MAMMOTH..) I want to cry - but that won't fix it. I am just very hurt by it.

Over all... my life right now is good. I know most of it is all me anyway... he speaks about us long term... making plans with me for things into next year... all sorts of things... My frustrations will get easier over time.. I just have to figure - or, RE-figure him out. And like I said, most of it IS me... he is the POLAR opposite of Andrew. He is everything I have been missing and wanting in someone for over 10 years. Not second guessing my every move... handling things on his own... looking out for me in ways I have never had... the "strong silent type" - Now that I have it, I don't know what the hell to do with it! Does that make sense?

So... there you have it. At least some of my current frustrations... Now... hopefully I will get some sleep tonight!

Posted Date: : Aug 26, 2008 9:59 PM