Hello again... my trusted friend. It's been way too long since I sat down, and really expunged everything twisted around in my head...
You know that place... that spot I am sure you have reached at least once, probably many times in your life where - your sheer, overwhelming exhaustion has found an intersection along the road it's forcing you to travel - and you find your 3rd, or 7th "wind?" Suddenly you can run a marathon and still have the energy to do it all over again? Your reflexes are more sharp than they would be on a full nights sleep and your head is crystal clear?
Yeah... I took a wrong turn. Can't find that damn intersection any fricken-where. Go figure.
In a nut shell - I am REALLY, REALLY tired today. Or, this afternoon. I was just dandy when I woke up this morning.
The other day... I found myself in this odd, nostalgic, truly sad mood. It hit me out of nowhere... I was sitting on the couch, listening to my boyfriend talking to his sister. The subject of the conversation is not exactly important or relevant... but I realized - I am alone.
A-L-O-N-E.
The feeling echoed throughout my body... and I fought back tears - because it would have been totally startling to them to look over and see me upset, over such an innocent conversation. But truly - I am alone.
If something were to happen between he and I - what do I have? I have me. I have no mother and father to go home to. I will probably never speak to my "mother" again... (I haven't written this here, all my jewelry from Peru and very sentimental things she had stolen when I went back to Texas to retrieve my stuff...) The closest thing I have to anyone there to support me, in the slightest bit of an understanding way... is my exhusband.
It is a feeling so completely terrifying to me... I feel a little bit lost.
I am not saying my current relationship is in any turmoil. Not at all... I am happy. And we talk about things in terms of years rather than months and that sort of thing... but - he has no true "obligation" to me. We are not "married" - and so - I just feel a little... overwhelmed.
I feel the knot filled lump in my throat even now. Over the past 2 months, I have asked Andrew for help more times than I can count. And he has been Saintly in accommodating each and every request. If he had not been there... I have NO idea where I would be right now.
I don't know where my "bummer" mood exactly stems from right now. I am stressed over money I suppose... (making my car payment this month is proving impossible...) I am stressing over working again for the first time in years. I start a job September 29th - with hours that will be very hard. So I am stressing over finding help with watching my children on the days when no one will be around here. I am stressing over screwing something up... making a misstep.... I am stressing over the pain in my hip...
Yes, there I go - whining about my pain. It seems cyclical... a few good months where it just aches a bit at night... then a month or so where it hurts and pinches during the day.... and I lay in bed at night... feeling as though there is barbed wire circling the nerve down my leg, as psychotic squirrels with feet made of razor blades chase themselves up and down that barbed wire, as if running circles round a tree.
Yes, it's been bad. And no, I don't talk about it to the people around me much. What is the point? It isn't understood... I can't DO anything about it... so - I just look like a complainer if I do.
So - perhaps that is dragging me down a bit as well.
It is amazing, how I can feel so bummed - but still - I am happier now than I had been in years... I just wish things were a little more certain.
"The path of least resistance, is the path of the loser." ~ H.G. Wells
"One often meets his destiny, on the road he takes to avoid it." (I got that from Kung Fu Panda. Yes, I derive wondrous inspiration.... from a child's movie. Go me!)
This felt much longer AS I wrote it. I will try to add to it later, or maybe tomorrow!!
Posted Date: : Sep 12, 2008 2:50 AM
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