Edge.

Blindly running towards the goal… the grass cold beneath your feet… chilled by the frigid late fall air…. The moon drowning out so many of the beautiful stars in the endless sky… that goal… off in the distance… unseen, but you know it is there… it has to be there… after all, it is why you do, what you do – isn't it? All this work… all this time… all this energy… running so fast, pushing so hard… the wheels can only spin in place....

I want everything to just fall into place… I am driving myself, forging forward so hard – I need it. That is my goal. But, how do I define it? Do I define it as, "making it through the holidays" – do I define it as, pulling a miracle off and getting the kids one expensive Christmas gift? (When the past 3 years, they have had multiple presents under the tree…) Do I define it further away – getting a different car… moving to a bigger house… or further than that – buying a house I can call my own… I want all the knowledge, and all the answers… I want to know exactly what the next step I need to take is, now. But there lies the trick…. I won't know what my next step is, until… it is taken.

Life used to be something I lived so carefully. I planned everything to the fullest… And now – now I am still planning… but it feels different. I have no idea why…

Overall, I feel very content right now… I want to be more financially secure… but – so does everyone else it seems.

My goals… right now, I need to just relax, and focus on them week, to week. I have enough money to buy Aidan a very small present or two – my little guy turns 5 on Monday. And then, on Wednesday, I *will* find a way to buy a Christmas Tree… and put money aside for bills. I just hope getting a tree isn't a mistake – but I refuse to wait, wait until my hours have grown shorter at work, and it financially hurts much more to part with the cost of a tree. I have to get all new ornaments, decorations… everything… so, right now – THAT is my goal. The week after that… will be rent. One week at a time…….

~*~

I wonder, if everyone is as guilty of playing the wicked mind games with themselves as I am… there are these 3 little words I have been craving, so deeply to hear. Well… Wednesday morning, I heard them… He made sure to speak it very clearly, so I could not mistake it… so I knew he meant it – "Love you…" as he left the room… it swept against my soul and startled me clearly awake… I had no time to give a response, other than stumbling over my words as I stuttered out my usual "call me…."

So… now I guess it is my turn to go next… But I have set myself up with this deep fear of rejection… fear of opening myself up… speaking my mind… and hearing silence from the other side of the room as I have once before…. It is a risk…. And I am not fond of risks that involve my heart….

I know… I hear the words I told you only last week… everything worth doing in life has risk… or so it seems….

The edge of this cliff is like an old familiar friend to me this year… so many times, for so many different reasons I have felt myself here…. Teetering on it…. Pondering the risks… yes, there is that word again – risk. When I step off, will I be caught? Will I sprout wings? Will I find a bridge to the other side? Or, perhaps, I will crash into the jagged, hard edges of the ground far, far beneath me….

1…2…3… jump…

Posted Date: : Nov 23, 2008 2:31 AM