Monday, September 17, 2012

Shattered Glass..

I have a barrage of things I need to get done today. But I finally have this blog up to date, and I need to write. Desperately. So for a little while, the floor can remain dusty and the dishes are safe in the sink. I have to make a cake for my baby girl - today is her 10th birthday after all...  the time has flown by at a rate I can simply describe as, unfair. In every sense of the word. All of that can wait just a little while though...

I truly hope tonight my husband is in a good mood. If he isn't, I just might not be able to take it anymore. At all. I've been hovering around my breaking point for months now. I absolutely loathe that sensation. To truly not know if on any given day, it will be the day I say "I cannot do this anymore..."

But I digress...

A few years ago when my life became too hectic to continue writing as much as I liked to - I don't even really know how to describe it... it's like I just got caught in a maelstrom - rushing around in circles yet going nowhere... fast.

For a while there after my separation & then divorce of my first marriage, I'd found this inner strength that in some ways, I suppose was a weakness. It blinded me to the downsides of things. I felt invincible. Life is merely the sum of the choices we make though - and I've made mine. I still have plenty left to make as well.

For a while there, it's like I set up happily in my rose colored glass bubble on cloud nine. Happily oblivious to so much. Not knowing, the longer I stayed in that bubble, happily up on that (partially fictional) cloud - the harder and unforgiving the concrete ground would be when I slammed back down to reality. My rose colored glass bubble has shattered into thousands of pieces... and I am not exactly sure what to do. At times I wish I could glue all the pieces back together again... hold my three children as tightly as possible and seal us up inside. But that's not living. And the pieces wouldn't even fit back together anymore if I tried.

Some days I am angry. Some days I want to scream "fuck this shit" from the top of the highest point I could reach... pack what I could and my babies into a vehicle I don't even have, and drive until I ran out of gas. Other days I am just sad. Sad seeing my older 2 children's sadness. My husband has mood swings that have gotten worse over the past few years. I don't fully understand their catalyst. And they are the reason for most of my angst. Most of my children's angst. And the reason I contemplate leaving, more often than not these days.

But then there will be a good day. And I will feel so terribly guilty for having thought all the horrible things I may have thought the previous day, or days. And this leaves me so confused.

I am not the naive little girl I was going into my first marriage. I know you cannot change someone who doesn't want to change. I just do not exactly know where I have to go from here.

My husband and I have talked... I've told him his moods are wearing me down. He doesn't get it at all it seems. He always has a "reason" - and I am just tired of fighting the fight. We have this awesome sounding 10 year plan, which will end with us in Oregon, a part of the country I really want to go to. I'd by lying if I didn't say I haven't thought about how the kids and I can just do it on our own if we have to. And I hate that feeling of uncertainty.

I really do.

But for now - I have a cake to go bake. And a few presents to wrap. None of it is as grand or wonderful as I'd like... and that is wearing on me too. But all I can do, is just fight on for another day I suppose.

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