Within..

(I wrote this, not last night, but the night before... at about 1 am.)

Time... why does it seem - that time for me is never neutral? It is either enemy or friend - but it never simply... IS. I say this because here I sit - at my... our... kitchen table - yet another sleepless night embracing me so tightly... not even the wisps of light from that beautiful full moon is soothing to my skin...

Insomnia... there are times in my life where my ability to go for days - even weeks at a time on sleep that consisted of an hour here... a "nap" there was mostly a blessing. But not right now. Now, it just seems to make me endlessly cranky. It fogs my head a bit. It lowers my pain threshold too... a pain that is the root of my inability to sleep to begin with...

I long for a day where I get up.... dawn cresting over the horizon... jog two miles, maybe more... snag a refreshing shower... merrily cart my children off to school... then go somewhere for a few hours... well - the majority of the day - to work - to "earn my keep" - a piece of paper to drop off at my bank that says "here - society says your worth something..." then I come home.... greeted by my smiling children... the warm embrace of a man who loves me... and I make dinner... clean up afterwards - tuck my angels into their beds, and retreat to my own bed for the evening... to enjoy the comfort of the man I love... and drift off to sleep... Then, wake up to do it all over again.........

Of course - I want deviations in there as well... but the theme that remains consistent? No pain.

How the hell do I get to there from here?

Sometimes I just feel like I am on overload. Sometimes I feel so insecure. In everything. Am I doing "it" right? Are my expectations "normal." It... what is it? Life. Am I a good mother? Am I patient enough? Am I stern enough? Do I snap too quick? Do I not snap enough? Do I jump at the wrong things? Am I a good "girlfriend?" Am I too insecure? Do I expect too much?

Will I ever have any answers? Life simply seems to be a confusing whirlwind of questions that rarely get answered... and when you do stumble upon that rare answer to one of those burning questions - it merely gives you another infinite number of questions... doesn't it?

You see... I feel lost somewhere between comfortable, happy, and scared out of my mind.

I don't like sounding insecure. I don't like feeling it either. For years now, I have struggled with it... in one form or another. This is different... this is not me questioning someone else... This is an insecurity with myself... I don't want to let anyone down.

I love where I am at... and who I am with...

I have said it before, and I will say it again... Sometimes - I feel like damaged goods. After so very many years of putting up with so much - sometimes I just don't know how to act, I suppose.

And I really, really hate the physical pain I am in. That is dragging me down terribly.

Well... unless I find something better before then... (I hope I do.....) I start work on September 29th. And that will give me insurance, after 3 months. Light at the end of the tunnel? We shall see....

Posted Date: : Sep 17, 2008 7:46 AM