There is a dog.... somewhere close by... barking. And I do not believe in violence towards animals of any kind.... but, right now - I really do not like that dog very much. It's 2:30 in the morning, and tomorrow... will be a very long day at work... and I will have 3 hours of sleep to handle it all in.... Yay?
(Disclaimer - I am tired, I am feeling the urge to seriously speak my mind... I have vowed to keep my entries open... and I am a person of my word....)
There is a line I walk.... I always have... one hand dipped deeply into their own separate worlds... one is the soccer mom... the Autism advocate... PTA involved class mom... and the other... comes from a world no one expects... a bit of a rebel... a Pagan... I don't conform, and I don't try. I don't flaunt it... and people happily assume anything they like about me.... and recently I look in the mirror... and I see the line, that line I have so carefully kept emboldened with a dark, thick marker... blurred. Not that I would announce my spirituality to my new found much more conservative friends... I am not saying that at all... it is just that - for the first time in YEARS - I am exactly who I want to be.
I know this is probably sounding like a repetitive, over tired ramble... that may not have a point at all... but I am working on it. And yes, to a point I speak in metaphors - I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, after all...
And see... I just stopped myself because... I know this will have an "audience" reading it.... okay... here goes.. let's get personal... (so I can read this tomorrow morning, go, OH, MY GOD - I said that??? And lock it up on you... read it fast, it may not last! Look, I rhyme when I am overtired and can't see straight!)
I am not without my frustrations... and I know that is normal... I fear I don't know how to ask for what I want... I have realized I a just not good at "talking" about some things... and when my subtle hints are missed... well... I end up awake in the middle of the night, with insomnia. This part of me I have been missing for years.... I can finally enjoy.... and I just need to figure out how to be clear in everything I need... I suppose...
See... I warned you this would be a barely coherent ramble... am I living up to my promise?
How do you switch gears in the middle of what you thought was your life... and find a new groove? I mean, I have one... I have found a damn good new groove... but sometimes it hits these jagged edges... and I don't exactly know what I am supposed to DO with that. Where does normal fall in this new place I have found myself called my life?
At what point do I say "look, every so often I want you to stick your friggin arm over me when I fall asleep at night..." (this is just one example) - when, I know that's the exact opposite of how he is. But, it is what I want... where does the compromise reside? I have yet to find it... and whether it is that.. or something more intense... I need to figure this thing out.... no - it is not a "deal breaker" - it just leaves me a bit frustrated at times... and it's not something I am USED to craving. I spent years not wanting anything of the sort in my past relationship... and to feel the opposite now... like I said - where is normal?
I look in the mirror and I see EXACTLY who I want to be. Yet, I find myself holding back when it comes to speaking my desires. Why? Why do I do that? Is it a fear of rejection? Maybe... Is it the lack of that old comfort zone - that false ideal I was living for so long I forgot what I liked?
Alright.... enough rambling. It is after 3 AM - and I have over 11 hours of rather intense work that starts in... just over 4 hours. I will finish this tomorrow... errr - today.... Maybe.
Or maybe I will see it when I get up, decide it is much to personal.. and lock it up nice and tight...............
Posted Date: : Oct 29, 2008 9:23 AM