Sunday, September 30, 2012

The time to be passive is OVER...

I'm still swimming in the drying concrete over here. It's Sunday. My window of opportunity - self applied, but still valid is closing, rapidly at this point. I truly do not know what the fuck is wrong with me.

Then again, maybe I do. I have no clue how to start a conversation I'm truly worried could spell the very end of my marriage, and change - everything. 

I sat here last night... thinking, and thinking... and I can think myself in circles, and come this-close to opening my fucking mouth & then I'd stop. I think I spent hours with my heart racing. I feel like a complete pussy. I need to do this. I need to know exactly what the fuck is going on with him. Of course I worry it's a problem in my head, that I've created... but I've *never* been wrong on this before. So, would I really start now?

He's proven over & over again he can lie right to my face, with no issue. I want to tell him I know he called the sorry bastard he said he'd NEVER call again. That he said I could "stake our relationship on" - he called him just a few days after he said it. He just thinks I'm too naive to truly care, or too ignorant to notice I suppose.

Then Friday he hands me a dramatically reduced amount from his check... and gives me a (believable) story about a time card mishap at work and that they will fix it Monday. But I've done the math. I don't see how he is owed what he says he is... and he's not been bringing his check stubs home recently... and I worry he has been lying about the amount he has been getting for weeks now. It doesn't add up, at all.

I fee like I know where this is going to go. I'll say he has to prove whatever story he tells me - I'll say he has to take a drug test. My assumption is, either he outright refuses, on whatever grounds of pride he may throw at me - to which I'll have to explain to him, not taking it, I'll look at exactly the same as if it was positive - the amount of times he's lied, the intensity with which he has done it.. (the louder & more irate he gets, he assumes, the more believable he is, right...?) ... and one of us will be searching for a new place to live. Or - the other scenario I've played out over and over in my head, is that, after plenty of anger & "how dare you tell me I have to prove myself to you" bullshit, that he comes clean.. & thinks once again everything will be ok.

Nothing will be ok.

I told him earlier this year, there would be NO more chances with this shit. I've given a dozen too many as it is.

And then, I worry, what IF I am wrong? What kind of permanent damage will this conversation have, IF I am wrong.

I know the need to have it far outweighs my fear of it.

I KNOW this.

I just have to do it.

It's going to be a long damn day.

No comments:

Post a Comment