I don't feel like I have it all together today. To say I feel like I am in a funk isn't exactly it.. but I honestly cannot really put my finger on it I suppose.
Can anyone tell me - what is love? Is it something you feel? Something you do? Is everyone's definition of love different? And if it is, how can you tell if you are ever truly loved by someone?
I feel this wall going up inside of myself. I don't like it. I hate living that way. I spent way too long living like that and not even knowing it years ago. I refuse to do it again. Yet I don't know how to stop. Forgive me if this is a rambling mess. Sometimes I just have to get it all out, whether it is coherent or not I guess.
Last night I found myself going 'round & 'round with my husband yet again. I do this that he doesn't like. He does that which I can't stand... and around & around we go. It's a conversation akin to beating a dead horse. It feels like it has no end. We will just keep going in circles, until someone gets too dizzy, and stops the torment, usually with an uncomfortable silence. Not a resolution of any sort.
I wanted to ask him - why, if he dislikes so much, is he even torturing himself by being here. Of course, he'd tell me he loves me. I know this because I've asked it once before. But - what IS love?
To me, it should be something you feel deep inside. A longing for someone. A warmth when you see them. A comfort in every touch. The sad thing is, I can remember my ex-husband asking ME why I loved him. We would go around & around with our arguments much the same. Back then I was holding onto the fear of being on my own. I was in love with the idea of love...
Today - I see an elderly couple, holding hands walking down the street... a team, together through thick & thin, two people that you know will be there for one another, no matter what.
For once in my life, I want to feel like I am the center of someone's world.
Then I feel guilty for even thinking that way. Maybe I am? I don't know.
I am getting nowhere with this. It's certainly not helping me clear my head. So for now I will close.