I feel like I am falling apart on the inside. Completely full of confusion. There is pressure on me from every direction, including from within myself.. and I just have no clue what to do. When I feel overly pressured... stressed beyond my limits, and confused - I tend to find a holding pattern, and get trapped. But I cannot let the past repeat itself. I simply cannot. But I just have no. clue. what. to. do.
Four years ago when I left New York, and came back to Mobile, it seemed wonderful. For a little while I was quite happy... but that hasn't lasted. I don't know if blame actually lies anywhere, or if it is all situation or circumstance. But something has got to give - before I simply break in half.
For a couple of years now things have not been perfect with my husband. But I am not one to give up easily. In fact, I can hold on much, much too long. And I do not want history to repeat itself. I want to be happy. I want my children to be happy. There is so much I want to do. So many things I want to see. I want my husband by my side for them. But my faith in that is waning. He has grown more sullen... less cheerful.. and has had much, much more frequent bouts of a terrible, nasty attitude over this past year. I don't know what to do. I tried talking to him about it. He said it would change. Nothing has. He turns around and blames me for this, and that, oh, and that too - none of which are things I can do a damned thing to change right now. And I will not live this way until our toddler starts school. And that seems to be what I am facing.
She adores her Daddy. So the thought of ripping our home apart completely immobilizes me. But at the same time, I only want happiness for her. And for my two older children. It's begun to affect their happiness. Everyone walks on eggshells around my husband. That is just wrong, on so many levels. I've tried to tell him. He just gets defensive. Deflects the reasoning behind it to someone else's fault. My oldest daughter has now begun complaining to her father about it. This spells trouble in a number of ways. He is pressuring me to fix it somehow for the sake of the kids happiness. He is right. A friend is pressuring me to fix it for the sake of my AND the kids happiness. She is right.
Yet, I am stuck like my feet are locked in cured concrete.
We will have a horrible day, like Wednesday was. And an even worse day, like yesterday.. where it was so awesomely wonderful around here I was getting asked "is that's where you are going to go stay?" - When I was simply looking up an address to see where it was. The thought of looking for somewhere to stay had not even crossed my mind... until then. And then today, I get calls, just to tell me he loves me.
I have emotional whiplash.
I know that 10 minutes of happy doesn't negate 2 days of misery. It is a process that gets repeated all too often around here. And I just want to put my head in my hands and cry.
I do not want to give up on my husband. I truly don't. We could be happy. And if I took the kids and left, it would absolutely devastate him. I do not want to do that to him.
I've tried telling him his moods are the heart of the issues. But it's like he just doesn't hear me. I do not know what else I can do to make him see it.
I'm sad. And completely distraught on the inside. But I have to put on a happy face on the outside. If today is a "good" day, I'll take it for what it is and enjoy it. But I feel like a ticking time bomb. And I have the patience to endure very, very few more "bad" days.