Okay - so staring at this blank page isn't helping me very much at all, I know. I feel like my head is so full and crammed that I am just stuck. I can't even force myself to move forward. But I have to. I have to do something. Something has got to give, before the thing that gives is me. Crumbling isn't an option. Neither is ignoring anything any longer. I just cannot do it anymore. But I just don't know where to start. And a flaw of mine has begun to stare me down recently. Trying to force me to cower in a corner. I avoid conflict, to a fault. But I cannot be that way anymore. Not for me. Not for my children. At some point I will crack, and scream enough, is enough.
Allow me to give you a little background here - you see, my husband and I have been together just over 4 years. It feels like longer. But when I sit down and really look at it, that's all it's been. Just over 4 years. Our daughter is just over 2, and we've been married 1 and a half years. When I was pregnant with our daughter (his first, my third) it became glaringly, blatantly obvious he had a serious drug problem. I said I'd leave. I said I'd never tolerate it. He cried. He swore to never touch it again.... and on we went. Ever since, I've caught him "fucking up" numerous times. Each time he swears to stop. Each time he swears his family is everything to him. Each time, I know, he is not only trying to convince me, but he is desperately trying to convince himself. Perhaps that is why I've allowed things to carry on for so long. That, and how badly he wanted a child, and the love he has for her is so evident... it tears my heart apart to think of separating them.
But I digress... earlier this year, I found yet another of his screw ups... (and they string together in such a way that, I have begun to feel that, instead of being individual episodes on his part, it's a continuous problem.. he gets caught, he alters actions & gets sneakier & hides it better... until I realize there is an issue & discover what is going on all over again...) Anyway - I told him that was it. His last warning. That there would not be another time where I'd accept an apology. That I was not going to live my life, or let my children live their lives with the monkey on his back constantly on our heels. It's not fair to me. It's not fair to them. And I made sure he understood - there would NOT be another time that would be forgiven.
There is a certain person he'd always contact to go through. I've kept tight watch for this phone number. Recently I noticed he was still calling it. He had his excuses. I told him I do. not. give. a. shit. If you are in touch with that person, then it only means there is a time limit on our life together, and that's not how I am going to live. That by being in touch with him, he'd be around it, and inevitably he would screw up.
Last week this turned into a huge to-do between us. (There was a bit more to it all than I am writing here, this is a public blog after all...) and the short of it was this - he said he would never call him again. Ever. I clearly showed my lack of faith in that statement.. which infuriated him, that I was "calling him a liar" - my reply? "How many times am I supposed to believe the same lie???"
That went over awesome. He freaked. Got even more irate. And said "I will NEVER call that number again, EVER. YOU CAN STAKE OUR RELATIONSHIP ON IT."
This was last Thursday, I think.
Since Friday he has seemed to be making an extreme effort to keep his mood swings under control... which makes the conversation I need to have with him later today that much harder.
He called that guy on Monday when he was off on his own running an errand. He called him 4 times. He seems to think deleting the call off the phone removes it from existence. But I checked online... I had to know.
"You can stake our relationship on it..." Keeps screaming in my head.