Ups and downs.. ins and outs. And then we go back up again. Life is a roller-coaster. It's supposed to be that way. This I know. I swear it. But is it always supposed to feel like it's one more loose bolt away from completely derailing? Landing in a fire filled tar pit of certain doom? No.. that is NOT how it is supposed to feel.
One day things are okay. Then there are 2 or 3 days of shitty. Then I get surprised with a consistent good streak & these are the moments that make me feel - guilty? Though that doesn't feel like the right word... for feeling the way I was on Friday. Friday I was highly annoyed. Really just ready to throw in the towel. Accept things will never change... go ahead and let the glass hit the floor - so I could begin to do the inevitable, of picking up the metaphorical pieces and getting on with it.
Then Friday night was just fine... pretty much as expected. Pay day usually is, the one day a week I can count on being okay. Then, Saturday, with one small exception was just fine too. When my husband got home, he walked in the door & saw my sons shirt was ripped at the collar. Immediately it began an issue. He asks him what happened. My son says he didn't know. That's the go-to reply it seems. I know what it is. An attempt to diminish conflict on the children's part. But my husband always makes that backfire and draws it out, demanding an answer other than that... and on & on it will go. Thankfully I was right there. I stopped him.. he had already started in, saying something like "you just can't help but lie" or you are just a liar or something like that. It seemed more harsh than just that at the time so I think I am not remembering it fully... but anyway - I was right there, stopped him & said "I'm sure he doesn't know, it's been like that for months, I had just talked to [my son] about it a couple weeks ago..."
That shut my husband down & he tried to bitch at me about it once the kids were back outside.. asking me why I would intervene like that... I told him, because he has no reason talking so nasty to the kids over something so ridiculous. Maybe saying that actually made a point. Maybe somewhere along the line he has realized I've truly hit my breaking point. The rest of the day, and the entire weekend went without any incident. Things were truly pleasant. For the first time, at least consistently for that long, in a while. It would be awesome if it would continue. But only time will tell on that one.
So, that is about where I am right now. It would be nice if the evening would continue the pattern. I'll keep my fingers crossed at least.
Meanwhile I have to call the power company and hope they will take a payment Friday, instead of today like the arrangement I have with them states. I cannot stand being constantly behind on everything. It is a never ending cycle. Every utility vehicle that pulls onto the road, sends my mind reeling. A deep rooted fear that is always constant, wondering what will get shut off next. I long for the day that my nerves will not be so frayed enough where I don't have to constantly worry. It just seems like a pipe dream at the moment.
Cross your fingers for me....