Friday, September 14, 2012

Every light casts some sort of shadow...

Allow me to begin this with a reminder... we all know what happens to Lisa if Lisa (that's me) doesn't write out her frustrations... say... once a week... right? Lisa becomes a cranky, sleep deprived super bitch... filled with misdirected anger...

So... in reading this, remember - I *am* happy... I just have to vent sometimes too. I *am* secure in where I live... I am just adjusting to the differences... So - this concludes your disclaimer!

Now... where the hell do I start?

The past two nights I have found myself laying awake... angry. With no direct target. A serious anger... I could feel it's thick black mass fill the room tighter with every exhale I took... it's sharp teeth and unforgiving claws, holding my mind without any escape... when I get like that, it's never good... so, I knew I was past due to write it out...

I am happy, and mostly secure. I feel safe, and even - protected with who I am with. The moments of happiness have far out weighed any of frustration... and there have been NO moments of anger... It is just that... there are 3 little words (all said in a particular order, in a particular sentence, of course) I long to hear. It eludes me. And that has really started to sadden me. I even understand why... and I am not about to try and force it... if it is meant to be, well... then in time, it will come. It just does have it's moments where - it bothers me.

Holding onto those thoughts as they ran through my mind... I found myself this weekend - turning my children over to their father (and his girlfriend) for their first ever overnight visit... it made me a little cranky... (ok, really cranky...)

Watching him... in his perfect little life... having just vacationed in Aruba with her - their cute little matching tattoos... hand holding, and lovey looks... Someone, quick - gag me.... please?

I see them, and I do crave feeling a little more secure in my position here... As Andrew is over there, living a "happily ever after" HE doesn't deserve... (at least, when I am good and angry like that - I sure as hell see it as something he doesn't deserve...)

And I watched him... snicker to her... as they pulled out of my driveway - my children in their back seat - I don't have to hear what he is saying... as he puts me down... and puts down the place we are living... I know him well enough to know exactly what he is saying. I wanted to lose my shit on him right then... yet, all weekend I managed to bite my tongue... He is NO ONE to judge me. And I am very comfortable in the house I am in. It's not my big 5 bedroom NY house - but that wasn't me anyway. Where I am now... it fits... nearly perfectly.

He can take his snickers, snide remarks, judgements, and ability to be an "awesome" PART time dad and shove it up his ass for all I care.

Sunday evening - we met for me to pick up the kids... and Aidan began to cry "I want to live with you Daddy..." as he grabbed onto his pants leg...

Andrew just stood there - with his ignorant helpless expression on his face... He didn't do anything "wrong" - but, he didn't do anything right either. I expected it. That man has *never* possessed the ability to stand behind me on *anything* - I didn't expect him to start now. He SHOULD have told Aidan "Mommy loves you" and "I'll be back in 4 weeks" and "you live with Mommy, be good for Mommy..." But, no... He stands there, this stuck on stupid look glued to his face... leaving all the tears, all the kids issues... to me.

(Of course Aidan is going to react that way... coming off a fun filled action packed weekend with no discipline, no scolding, - because it was so full he didn't do anything wrong - just... go, go, go... - and then, he has to go back to reality, routine... REAL life - and the appeal off all time "fun" Dad is overwhelming. That's all he knows of him now...)

An hour later - after he had dealt with 5 minutes of tears, and I got nearly 2 hours of it.... he texts me: "that was rough" - I damn near threw my phone across the room. I would have... if he had been there for me to hit with it.

In all of this - I haven't even touched another sore subject for me right now... On going back to Texas to get my things - I discovered my mother... "mother" - it catches in my throat to say... had raided my drawers and my jewelry box... nearly wiping me clean. One of a kind, irreplaceable items I got in Peru, gone. My mammoth tusk fossil ivory necklace... gone. (Yes, I said MAMMOTH..) I want to cry - but that won't fix it. I am just very hurt by it.

Over all... my life right now is good. I know most of it is all me anyway... he speaks about us long term... making plans with me for things into next year... all sorts of things... My frustrations will get easier over time.. I just have to figure - or, RE-figure him out. And like I said, most of it IS me... he is the POLAR opposite of Andrew. He is everything I have been missing and wanting in someone for over 10 years. Not second guessing my every move... handling things on his own... looking out for me in ways I have never had... the "strong silent type" - Now that I have it, I don't know what the hell to do with it! Does that make sense?

So... there you have it. At least some of my current frustrations... Now... hopefully I will get some sleep tonight!

Posted Date: : Aug 26, 2008 9:59 PM

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