Friday, September 14, 2012

Companions to our Demons...

*I had this locked - I changed my mind - for a moment anyway...*

Through the looking glass of time…. The looking glass of our lives… if you could change anything – what would it be? No… I have always said I would change nothing…. And I hold myself to that – I truly do. Without taking the path I did, my life would not be a shadow of what it is now…. And the thought of not having the 2 children I do – is not one I can hold in my mind, for even a glimpse… So… looking back in time, I would change nothing… and I know this, with every fiber of my soul…..

Perhaps it's coming home to ..Mobile that's done it… perhaps it is the holidays…. Perhaps, it is seeing the ways the lives of others played out here… the places I could have ended up… but I find myself mourning what "could have been" more and more… I have never been one to hold onto that sort of thing, at all. I make my choices, and stick with them… I made my bed, 10 years ago when my ex-husband put that ring on my finger… and I stuck with it… it is just who I am.

I am longing for answers when I don't even understand the questions I am asking…

(Just to be sure I clarify this – incase anyone HASN"T spoken to me on the phone recently and it completely confused – I am not in any way mourning my marriage… that thing should have ended a few years earlier if anything…. No, this has NOTHING to do with him…)

We are all companions to our demons… dancing the dance of life…. In a never-ending cycle – or so it seems.

I want to be who I am… strong and capable… able to make my own way through life… yet I long for someone who will say "stay close to me, while the sky is falling…."

To feel protected and loved… no matter what the task may be, how high the mountain is to climb…

Someone to take my breath away… to treat me with such care, as if I am made of glass… even when he knows I am made of steel…

This confusion circling my mind… running rampant with my emotions – I do not know where it came from, or how it started – but I hate this feeling of uncertainty…

If I could reside in the land of my daydreams…. Where anything I wanted could happen – what life would I lead? Would I alter mine? Would I adjust anything? If only it was that simple… what would I find before my eyes as I opened them each morning?

As I freefall from this cliff… still the bottom remains unseen… as my desire for a parachute dwindles… who holds my life in their hands? There is me…. And only me. My faith – in myself… my wants, and my desires… but I need more certainty in those… I do not believe in fate… we make our own destiny… But what destiny have I chosen? What if I want to push pause? Life has no pause button… the ultimate certainty of the demise of slamming into the bottom of this pit I am falling faster and faster into is certain. Concrete… nothing will change that. Unless… I can sprout my wings. But, I have to remember how to fly first…….

Loving my metaphors…. Until next time……….

Posted Date: : Nov 30, 2008 6:29 PM

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