Roses at Dawn...

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell. ~ Joan Crawford

I know I have written about time a number of times... (pun intended..) and a number of ways... and here, I go again. At least briefly. Time became a raging river on me in the past few weeks, and writing like I love to do became something that had to fall to the wayside - for a moment anyway...

So, here I am. A moment to spare. A moment out of my day I stole for myself - because I have not done it enough recently.

I think the last place I left off, the last time I really wrote - I was about to start a job I was really not looking forward to, at all. That all changed in the 11th hour with a last minute interview with a new place - and I am so very thankful it did. So... I now have a job I love (everyone, think happy thoughts it is permanent - there was the chance when I started it would not be...) and it makes much better money than the other one would have as well...

So... here I am. Where is that? Well, it is exactly where I want to be right now. Comfortable... and happy... nearly secure even...

Yes... secure. Well, almost. I still feel totally broke, because I am being so careful... but I was actually able to get out and DO things with my babies this weekend... which has become even more important than before, because work is eating up so much of my time. We went to Bellingrath Gardens on Saturday evening. They had hot air balloons, and little trick or treat spots all through the gardens. Jillian loved the rose garden... she must have stopped to smell the roses 200 times... Yes, a literal reminder to slow down and enjoy life... staring me in the face. They enjoyed that so much... and it felt so good... and freeing - being able to part with the $10 that made it possible.

Sunday we all piled into the car - and headed to the Battleship (USS Alabama) - of course the camera battery died - but I am going to see if I got any good enough to post ones on my cell phone... There was a small rose garden there as well... and Charlie made sure I slowed down enough to enjoy the wonderful scent - Okay - I get the Universal Hint... time to slow down, and enjoy life a bit more. And it is about time, isn't it?

The past few months have been so easy in some ways - ways I have struggled with for years now... getting comfortable with myself in ways I had forgotten to be comfortable with myself... yet - it has been quite hard in others.

I have learned so much about myself - as a person, and as a mother. I want to enjoy my children more. Much more. Sometimes I feel stuck on auto pilot - especially recently... I get home, feed them if they have not eaten - clean them up, and off to bed they go. Yesterday was a deviation from what has become the "norm" - they were so well behaved ALL day, and we all were just truly relaxed for a while. We got home, and ate... then I surprised them with cupcakes... you would have thought they were made of gold... it completely made their night. I want to remember to enjoy those moments more. I want to get everything running on auto pilot on it's own - so that I don't have to. So I can sit back, and enjoy things again... for the first time - in years.

My children remind me to do it everyday... I just have to open my ears and listen...

One day last week... as I grumbled as I tripped over a toy and searched for the puppies leash... grumbling about it not being where I expected it to be... and I grumbled at my children to "hurry up! get dressed! find your shoes! brush your teeth! fix your hair!..." I threw open the door, because the poor dog was sitting there crossing his legs at this point... and suddenly, Aidan squealed with joy "MOMMY!! Look!! The clouds are orange!! Why are they orange?? It's so PRETTY Mommy!!!!"

And I shut up my grumbling... took my sweet baby boy by the hand... and sat on the steps to watch the sunrise with him....

Those are the moments you should cherish, and live for. Like my daughter's contagious giggles yesterday, as she sat with me in a flight simulator at the battleship... Those are the moments I want to hold onto forever...

Nothing is perfect... and they have had to do a lot of adjusting over the past few months... but it is a work in progress... and they have me... and I... have them.... and that is all we need.

(And I have to split this into another entry I will try to write later on this week!!!)

Posted Date: : Oct 28, 2008 3:39 AM