Friday, September 14, 2012

A fork in the road...

A couple of hours ago... I wrote out a big, long entry. I was about three-quarters of the way done. Unlike most entries I write, this entry I simply, typed. It wasn't nice and neat in my little notebook before hand. So, when I was typing mid-sentence, my computer flashed blue, and proceeded to reboot itself with no warning - I nearly cried.

I now welcome you, to attempt number: 2.

A week ago, I had written, in my notebook... stuff I may one day post. It contained the venture out of New York, when I heard the first "are we there yet" - finally getting into the central time zone... a hilarious commercial we heard in Tennessee... my children's first experience with a lizard, their first armadillo sighting, first Texas longhorn sighting... and plenty of happy, happy, joy, joy moments.

It also contained the fact that I was already apartment hunting, living with my mother and brother was NOT going to work - with all of her posturing and all the nonsense, I had financially already been bled dry, and was getting run crazy. And it had been a week. Not to mention - it spoke about how the FIRST day we arrived in Texas, my brother wrecked my mother's car. Leaving me the taxi - the thankless taxi. The "you are here, so you WILL get us here and there" taxi.

I already had an apartment finder book stashed securely in my purse last Friday. I was going to spend a day and go through it, place by place - and get my bail the hell out plan together. And then, there was last Friday.

I had dropped my brother off at his friends house (30 minutes out of the way) the night before. I was then "told" I had to pick him up that morning and take him to work, for his first day. At 5 am. Which meant waking my kids for it too. I felt trapped. So, I did it. I got him to work. The kids and I spent the day together... they played in the yard, we unpacked a box or two... (slowly, I was not all "yay, unpacking" by this point...) and it was just a mellow day. We were waiting for the cable lady. Matt was supposed to get picked up at 2. The cable lady ran late - and didn't arrive until 1:30. So, of course - I was late to get Matt. Who had the audacity to get nasty with me, about waiting all that time "in the heat." He wasn't in the heat. He was fed, with a drink, in the perfectly fine air conditioned pizza place next door.

Anyway - we got home, and he went into his room. Came storming out moments later, that the children had been in his room. (The cable lady had been in his room, he insisted on having cable, on my cable bill... anyway) He said the children had been in there, gone "through" his drawers and "cut" a picture. First - they were with me, all day. Second, I had been so unhappy living there, I had not even unpacked a damn pair of scissors yet.

He refused to listen to me when I told him the kids had not been in his room. So, I kept the kids in my room, and was going to try to avoid him for the night... well - my little Aidan needed a drink. I sent him out to the fridge to get one - and the instant he hit that room, I heard Matt going at it with him. With Aidan. A FOUR year old. Basically telling him to "confess." Uhh.. NO. I rounded that corner out there and saw my son, sitting on the couch, lip quivering - and stopped Matt in his tracks. Very calmly told him he was out of line - and he was wrong. And he just. went. off.

Yelling and screaming at me - in front of my children. Punching holes in the walls - in front of my children.

I pushed the couch aside so I didn't have to get any closer to Matt to get to my Aidan, grabbed Aidan, and went to my room, where Jillian was. We could hear it from in there - Matt's fit. He has always had a violent streak, but I have not had to deal with it so intensely in years. And here it was - not only aimed at me, but at me, in front of my children. Through it all I could hear him sobbing (yes, he is unstable, needs medication, but I can't say that to him...) and so I made one attempt - because he is my brother - I demanded to the children to stay put, and went out there - told him "if you can just calm down, we can talk about this..." To which I got "fuck you bitch, I hate you, I have always hated you" and things thrown in my direction again.

I did the only thing I knew to do.

I called Andrew.

After talking to him, I loaded my children into my car, grabbed the clothes I could in a split seconds time... (felt like some sort of battered wife escaping, I swear....) and we left. We slept in a hotel that night, and headed here... where I have been for a week - to my other hometown - Mobile, Alabama.

Now, there is a LOT I could say right here - and plenty I want to add in... and in time, I will get to it all. Right now I in part am trying to rush through this, this is my second attempt at typing it, my children are getting restless, and I have an errand to run on a time schedule...

There were several places I could have gone for my "escape" - which a week ago was an "I need to go clear my head for a few days" sort of thing. Yes, something I had considered BEFORE that horrible moment in time. And here, I had a friend who had said the door was open... so... this is where I came.

Over the past week... I have had at least 4 close friends, and Andrew - tell me to just, stay. Here. In Mobile.

I must say I never saw that coming... but it does feel comfortable to be here. It is a much smaller town than I am used to - but I know now I can make that drive EASY - if I ever want to play in the fast paced bigger city life for a moment. I have been told to "slow down" several times recently.

So... I am trying that on. Today I have done nothing yet... and it just feels.... WRONG. I need to be "doing" - right? Don't I? I mean... something? But I caught up with a friend on the phone... I tried to write this and had it vanish, now I am trying again! (Yay!) And.... I am just.... mellow, I suppose!

I am looking forward to catching up with a friend tomorrow... and I am just going to sit back - and see where this new fork in the road has led me.

I am very happy right now... so - why would I want to leave that??

I am working on finding my own place, and then I have help to go get my things in August set up... that will be stressful I am sure... but - I can handle it.

I will update more later, I need to post this before it locks up on me again!!!

Posted Date: : Jul 25, 2008 12:13 PM

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