Friday, September 14, 2012

Want...


(I wrote this yesterday at my retreat from reality... also know as: Starbucks!)

~*~

Moments like this run me nuts - I have so much trapped in my head I really want to get out - but I just can. not. organize it worth a darn...


And, sometimes I worry about sounding repetitive...


Okay... Monday night, I found a moment in a conversation I was having very startling - I was asked a question... a very simple question meant in the most caring way: "what do you want?" (I may have that wording a little off - but, the message was perfectly clear...)


And - it probably took me 10 minutes to find my answer.


As with everything - the over dominant "logical" part of my poor head went into overdrive... What is so hard about saying what I want? Why is it buried so deeply within me that - I cannot even discern what it is... what it says there in the writings of my souls book of desires.....


As I thought about it - my heart beat raced, so fast I felt like it was going to jump completely out of my chest...


So, again I ask myself... How did I get here? To this place? If it had happened overnight - I certainly would have noticed... halted it in it's devious tracks... But no - it crept in on me - slowly - sanding away at my mind... at my life - the ways I used to know myself - and then... then I have these moments - like that moment Monday night - that are a gift. I can step back and see, where I forgot to take count of myself... of my wants - "What do you want?" Goes from a simple caring question about one thing - to my life - in every aspect... that one - and all others - screaming inside me - proclaiming loudly... one simple statement: "I want to be ME."


I don't have to pretend anymore - in ANY area of my life. I don't have to watch my every statement anymore - for fear of being shamed... my likes are my own - and now - they are respected by the amazing people I have in my company... and my dislikes - those are respected too. I don't have to feel "bad" for simply being - me. In moments like those - where I suddenly find myself tongue tied... I have to go easier on myself - and remember... why I am the way I am.


I used to wear my rose colored glasses like a shield... things looked okay through them... but, nothing ever really was... And, when I took off those glasses - it was terrifying - at first. Nothing looked quite so pretty... it was no longer all wrapped in it's neat little bow - surrounded by a white picket fence...


But those rose colored glasses - they had been concealing the details of everything I saw... everything... and, without them - those details stared me in the face - and I realized that, right there - THAT is where my life was. It was there all along - those wants and desires I had been denying... hiding in the details I before, could not see.


I feel more awake, alive, and happy than I have in years.


Sometimes we get so wrapped up in what we think we are supposed to do... that we deny ourselves what our own soul is craving for the happiness we are so desperately seeking by doing what we are "supposed" to be doing...


Did I talk you in a circle just now? Because I certainly tripped over it... but it is the truth. Happiness is found in your soul... not in a white picket fence.


Happiness also is not so rigid that - it is wrapped up in that neat little bow when you arrive at the destination called the end of your life... that would be a bit of a rip off, don't you think? Find happiness in the journey - no matter the road you find yourself on.


I have.


So - what do I want? To be - me. (Not someone else's version, of me.)

 


Posted Date: : May 9, 2008 9:23 PM

No comments:

Post a Comment