Friday, September 14, 2012

Purge...


I could easily be known, as a professional procrastinator. Easily... and so - though this move is approaching at light speed... (yet, simultaneously at an absolute crawl..) I have yet to pack a single box... For the record - we are at 68 days to go.


Now - I am not a stranger to moving... I did it plenty as a child, and that pattern seemed to follow me through my life so far... therefore, I feel like I really could pack in a week, with my eyes closed, and one hand tied behind my back.


But - this move is different.


And so... the other day - I found myself with an overwhelming urge to roll up my sleeves, and get down to it. The biggest task - is the garage. So... that, is where I began. My garage, is rather big. It can hold 2 cars, and has an additional area I would estimate to be 8 feet wide, by 4 feet deep... that was COMPLETELY FULL of stuff. Floor to ceiling, 4 to 5 rows of boxes deep - of simply... stuff. Things we got from my mother in law's over stuffed house when she passed away... (I mean her no disrespect with that statement, I loved her dearly...) Things I have held onto... things I did not exactly know WHAT to do with... and it was this wall...


I stood there and looked up at it.... watching the personal demons of mine that rested inside it like silent land mines... as they watched me... for a moment... I considered retreat... to run back inside... there was plenty more I could occupy my time with you know....


But, not today.


I started to sort it... his stuff, my stuff... stuff to divide... garbage... and the "why the hell DID I keep this!?!?!" pile... slowly, they began to form...


And I realized... those demons that were laying in wait... they feared me. I am not who I was when they became the menaces watching me from the shadows formed by the spaces between the stacks of boxes and bins...


I separated everything... taking note of what was what... but it was simply that - organizing my life. What was mine - and what was his. The demons retreated... taking their hold inside the boxes... in that stack I knew I would have to go through...


And, when I reached that stack... and opened the first box... I found no sadness hiding inside of it... I found no fear... no anger... no resentment... I merely found memories. And I put photos of myself in one stack... and photos of him in another... I gave us each the duplicates of the kids... and most of the time - when there was only one photo, even still, I gave it to him. After all... I have my children, all of the time. And there will come a time here... very soon - 68 days to be exact - where, for periods of time, he will have, only those photographs.


As I kept going.. I reached the boxes that had been way in the back, from the floor, to the ceiling... and I realized they were my children's baby clothes. If any of this stung my heart, just a bit - it was that moment right there. Why had I saved them? A first outfit, is understandable... but, why save ALL of them? And I remembered - it was "incase of baby number 3..." - and well - right now.. those are thoughts that I am just, willing to release. I put each and every box into it's own new pile... "donations."


This all felt very energizing... and motivating. I still have a little more to do - and I hope I can finish it all on Monday. Then I will begin to load up the ex's car each time he stops by... I have no idea if he has storage where he lives now... but the stuff just can't stay here anymore.


My closets have been cleaned out.. literally, emotionally... metaphorically...


All of those demons... I shined a big bright light on them... and do you know what I saw? That, they were not demons at all. No... they were my allies. My past, holding my hand... and passing me onto my future... and it is waiting... with open arms.


There, in my very dusty, cobweb filled garage.. I took a deep, long breath... and every spec of air - was crystal clear. It was the future... that breath of air... reaching back in time - to pull me into it.




Posted Date: : May 2, 2008 10:23 PM

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