Thursday, September 13, 2012

Falling over the edge, of reason...


I am lost. I admit it. Totally, completely, lost. I don't know what to do, how to fix things, what questions to ask, or where to even begin.

In her determination to get back to her "friends" (the problem to begin with, at her former school...) - my step-daughter was hell bent on convincing us she hated us. And, basically - she succeeded. (Does she REALLY, 5 years from now, no - right now... apparently.) Will she regret everything she did and said? I certainly hope so. Though, there is something about her I have noticed - her total lack of values and respect for others, and certainly her inability to care AT ALL about ANYONE but herself, that makes me think - she won't. She may act upset, or remorseful, or say she is "sorry" - but I will NOT believe her. Not a word of it. Not until she is a good bit older, and understands what she did. Because I know, any apologies I receive anytime soon, will be given to me with a concealed smirk.

So - last night my husband told her "you win." Does that mean her mother wants her nastiness back in her house!? Not really. She has pushed, and PUSHED us days beyond where I expected she would to keep her here. But - my step-daughter will have to deal with that. Frankly - I am SO ANGRY at the moment - I have taken the stance that, they deserve each other. Her mother's apparent inability to parent CREATED this monster... now she can deal with it. Amanda has to WANT help to be helped. But, we can't afford a new Abercrombie/Hollister outfit every week for her... so, why should she be bothered with caring at all what we think?

I feel crushed. The permanent damage this has done to her relationship with us - it is terrible. My poor husband... Since he split with her mother nearly 13 years ago (Amanda is 14) he has CRAVED the day where she lived with him. And THIS is what the self serving manipulative little girl does to him? (My words are angry, but I have a right to be - yet, she truly is selfish, and manipulative... so though they are said in anger, it truly is what she apparently has become...) This dream becoming a reality for him got dangled there... just for her to snottily yank it away - with SUCH nastiness.

He is SO devastated that he is ready to pack it in - and completely give up. I know he makes some good points - The reasons we were here in NY were simple - his parents, and, Amanda. His parents have now passed away - and Amanda has made it clear she hates us, and our house, our lives, everything we try to do for her, the time we spend with her... EVERYTHING. So - WHY are we here!?! Struggling financially so hard, when, we could go back to Texas and take nearly the same pay check (doing there what he is doing now) - and pay out for ALL our monthly bills, what we fork out on our mortgage payment a month ALONE here in NY!?

I have to admit, it IS appealing. Just - run. Have bills low enough we could even SAVE money... and go on family vacations and such...

But, it freaks me out. My baby girl has FINALLY found a niche in school - she is autistic - I worry SO much about uprooting that. Moving her services... and everything. I don't even know where to START. And Aidan is just SO sweet... I just plain worry about him. I don't want a "fix" that creates more turmoil for them. And, I HATE the heat in Houston. With a PASSION.

But, if we have savings... we can take trips to snowy places... and kids are so resilient, and mine are so young... they would have no problem making friends... and I have even more family there that wants to see them more... (Uncle Toby!)

I worry about the safety of the drive with the kids... I worry about our poor credit and credit checks to rent a house... I worry about so, very much.

If I could snap my fingers and be there - in a house with the kids happy, in new schools, and everyone safe and sound... then sure - I would probably do it, right now. But NOTHING is that simple. I don't have those assurances in my foresight... there is just uncertainty and worry. And this knot in my stomach that keeps getting thicker, harder, and bigger.

For all the personal and spiritual growth I have done this year - I don't understand why things just keep getting harder. When do we get to catch our breath?!?!?

There is a quote on a picture hanging in my room - I look at it each morning when I get up... and each night before I go to bed - it helped me through things this summer immensely ~ "The best way to see the future, is to create it." - But now I face a conundrum - I don't live this life just for me. How do I know I am on the right path? How do I know switching my autistic daughter's environment mid school year will be okay on her? (You see, this is not a wait until summer sort of move - we are, as of today, officially 30 days late on our mortgage... and it is not just our credit we are playing with there, and we swore that would never happen... so, we really are stuck.)

I am just worried... and a bit scared. And I have this child in my home that is acting like a monster, and being as nasty and mean to me as she possibly can.... and my two sweet children do not deserve to see her acting like this....

Posted Date: : Nov 30, 2007 2:25 PM

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