I listen to music in my kitchen while I cook... (without fear of criticism, for my choice in music, etc...) I even sing along here and there... (got busted by my brother yesterday, which was pretty funny...) Sometimes I leave the dishes until midnight before I wash them... I speak my mind, I speak more... I speak louder, and with greater conviction... without fear of a condescending remark... My bathroom stays organized seemingly on it's own these days... the laundry is always done... and if I am too tired one night to pick every last toy up off the den floor... then I can leave it - without a scoff heard in the room.
"You look happier than you ever did then...." "I could never joke with you like this when you were with him...." "Your just so different....." I hear those sorts of things, over and over these days. And I wonder... where have I been?
Random people smile at me... and I smile back. Yesterday a man slowed his truck to pace mine for a moment - until it grabbed my attention - and he looked at me, and smiled. I was totally confused... I smiled back - he gave me a "thumbs up" and continued on his way...
I have opened up myself, my soul, my entire being - and I still wonder, how I did not know how much I had closed myself off? They say love is blind - but when you yourself become blind to who you are... well - I am remembering who I am now.
I am not without my moments of falter... on Sunday Andrew decided to bring up his inevitable visits to Texas to see the children - and yes, he "went there" - he said "you know, I will not always be alone on those trips..."
And I instantly geared myself up to completely explode... I told him his trips to Texas will be about his children - and his spending time with his children... that his "home wrecking wench" (yes, I said that) will have nothing to do with my children - and his trips to Texas are not some couples vacation for them. It is about HIM and the CHILDREN. I was seriously livid. How dare he? For him to make it such a priority that he has to bring that up - now?!? IF they "last" - I know at some point I will probably have to interact with her. But she doesn't know my children - if he dares to try to bring her on any of his first visits there... they both will have wasted money. This isn't about her meeting them... she is unimportant to them. This isn't about him showing them off to her - for Christ's sake - HE can't even claim to be the one RAISING them anymore... they are not for his "showing off." This isn't about him taking her on some tour of where all he (we) lived in Texas... he can do that on his own time, on a separate trip with her if he chooses... She does not know them.... she has NO reason to interact with them in my eyes.
Of course I question myself. At what point, am I wrong here? I know at some moment in time - I will approach that place, where I will have to relent. But - certainly not now. I just find it disgusting he even brought it up - now. (Unless, and this thought crossed my mind... - she is telling him she wants to go - because, you know - maybe she already doesn't trust him. BUT, that is just my conjecture...)
And so - today I find myself in a comfortable state of mind... (not so comfortable body yet) - I am happy... the frustrations from that moment this weekend only slightly linger... my hip pain does have me a bit down. It had subsided a bit this morning... but is back with a vengeance right now... but I will get through it - it is a beautiful day, after all.
It is like overnight the world came to life... the grass looks bright and green... the trees are no longer a plain gray, the bark has turned a bright brown... the branches are glowing with the reds, pinks, lavenders, and whites of the flowers they will soon hold in full bloom. The willows are coming alive, turning yellow as they blow in the breeze... and my favorite, the tulip trees are holding their buds... ready to unfold.
Maybe it did not happen overnight... but - today is the first day my eyes are open enough to see it.
See - even with my momentary falter - where I allowed the anger to course through my body - the new found feelings of confidence, and self worth... the new intensity I have embodied strongly remains.
I think I will go smile at some random person now...
Posted Date: : Apr 15, 2008 8:51 AM