Thursday, September 13, 2012

You hold a piece of my soul...

My poor head feels so scattered these days. I saw this commercial the other night... where the family was "scheduling" time to see one another... each of them going down their itineraries (including the 5 or so year old) and alas... no family time was going to happen. That is exactly how I have been feeling recently.

It's been running me nuts. And I feel like I need to get back on top of my "game" so to speak. I get the laundry HALF done, the house HALF clean, and wait until the last possible second to unload the dishwasher each day... and it is not that I don't WANT to do these things. I just really have this major craving to go crawl into bed instead. Only, I can't do that either, I have to be at the bus stop, get my little guy to preschool, go to the gym, run errands (new crap pops up each day, I swear) and by the time I am done with that... I have to go to the bus stop to get Jilly, then it is off to our evening routine... Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, the Chiropractor, then we run by just in time to get my little guy at 5... then dinner, their night time milks, and bed. Equals no time to breathe. Tuesday is even more nuts, Aidan doesn't have preschool, and then the moment Jilly is off the bus we go right to dance school... and get home even later. Thursdays the husband is home. Which is great - he wants to spend more time with the kids than he is.... but then, we both try to catch up on sleep that day........ and he gets frustrated because he is constantly working so he wants a nap, I get frustrated because when he is working he complains he wants more time with the kids... but then - he is sleeping instead of enjoying his time with them.... (This is not a rant against him... I swear... I just wish we BOTH had more time in the day to get the rest we need, AND do all the things we want and need to do.) 

This weekend, I actually had a moment to breathe. Standing in the middle of a field filled with pumpkins, and a really chilly breeze against my face... my eyes opened. It wasn't one particular thing that did it. It all helped though. Seeing my babies running in circles around their big sister, as they all "eeeeeked" in unison at the unfortunate pumpkins that had gotten a little too wet........ but that made me happy. And I realized... I have been hiding. Hiding from my life. And hiding from myself. I have been so afraid of losing it all... for years, that I have been allowing myself to miss it anyway. So, now I am trying to come up with a good way to just plain - calm myself down. Fully open my eyes, and keep them that way. (And avoid a relapse!)

When I came home from my trip in July... I was so completely motivated about my life, and my future, and my family's future. That motivation was nearly instantly put to the test. I have to regain that momentum. My life, it has been giving me hints. Hints about getting myself back on track... and doing what I KNOW I need to do. And in the midst of all of that... I found a piece of myself I didn't realize I had lost. There have been a few of those I have found recently... and I credit a LOT of the work I am doing with so much of it - all of it. It is changing who I am completely. Well, changing is not the right word... adjusting.

I hope I didn't get too far off track here. Anyway - I just feel like the Universe gave me a bump over the head - a wake up call. Just in time for my Medicine Wheel meeting on the 20th. I need to open my eyes.... stop running... the rest, will follow.

Posted Date: : Oct 14, 2007 2:32 PM

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