Okay... I wrote this earlier today... and I considered NOT putting it up - because I do not want to sound sad, or down, or any of that nonsense. I am NOT. I swear. I was told "you better put it up" - by the same dear friend who reminded me - I *am* allowed to have these moments, every so often. (Thankyou.)
I don't know what exactly caused it... but, there they were - a stream of tears, rolling down my cheeks. Irritating me with their intensity... mocking me even with their existence.... the more aggravated I got by them, the more I tried to quell them... the quicker they came it seemed....
It was such a simple statement.... it carried such love and concern for me in how it was said... a wish for me - to have what she does in her husband... "he would walk through fire for me." She had no idea the memory that would awaken inside of me... neither did I for that matter. The memory of a nearly identical wish... spoken for me, by another dear friend, as he watched his wife rest... (she was in labor...) My life at that time was in the midst of intense uncertainty... and he said "I would walk through fire for this woman, she is my everything... my wish is that you find that..."
Months spread between each instance of those words being spoken to me... the first time, I smiled a big smile.... the second time... this morning - I broke into a sorrow filled stream of tears.
Do I honestly feel like I will remain alone forever? Of course not. I just wish I felt confident in knowing what a real (healthy) relationship felt like. Sometimes, I wish I didn't feel so damaged by all of this.
Most moments - I feel so content with this new version of my life... Even my loneliest moments, are happier moments that the best moments he had given me over the past few years.
Just sometimes... sometimes it is there... the desire to be someone's everything... (I know that, I AM someone's everything - two someone's to be exact, that is not what I am talking about here...) I want to be craved - in a way I wonder if he ever felt for me... longed for... held... protected... yes - sometimes I want to feel protected. Maybe it is the "girl" in me... I am the protector of my home... it would be wonderful to let that guard down... just once. (I never did, with him... he always seemed to be looking for someone to protect him...) I want someone to tell me they love me... love me - and see it there, burning in their soul as a flame in their eyes, as the words leave their mouth.....................
A love without conditions... a love whether the kitchen counter is scrubbed... or the laundry put away... a love that is felt - not merely conditioned....
If I dream of you... perhaps somewhere... you are dreaming of me.... and when we meet in our dreams... let us vow to see our souls, to know one another... so when we cross paths in this ordinary world... we will not miss that chance - to live in that dream.
Posted Date: : Apr 22, 2008 1:35 PM