(Ok, I wrote this earlier (well, most of it, I just added more stuff now!) - and then - I had this startlingly intense talk with Andrew. In which, I basically said all of this... and more. And that DID remove some of the weight of it for me, which is good... I needed that more than I even knew... however.. it is still there - so, I am still writing it. This is how I work through crap... putting it out here, just takes it from inside of me, and releases it... and that, is what I need to do right now.)
I am in a funk. I landed here firmly a few days ago... and I think it has something to do with the bought of insomnia I have been dealing with.... Tossing and turning for three hours a night before actually falling asleep seems to have a way of taking some of the spunk from my eyes, and the wit from my tongue...
So... what has it brought to the surface? It is rather simple I suppose... a loneliness. I even hinted at it the other day I think, looking back now... it is a sort of loneliness I don't really know how to handle, just yet anyway...
You can be lonely, as the spot on the bed beside you is warmed by another... and I have realized I have spent way too much time over the years with that sort of loneliness... but when that spot next to you in bed is cold... when there is no chest to rest against and pretend the caring is there... that already fractured illusion crumbles completely - and then, what is left?
Simply... an empty, cold spot, on the bed. An overall happier me, yes... but - what now?
And... I cannot help it... sometimes the anger creeps in... and I think of him... lying in the bed he occupies now... someone lying next to him... to fill that empty spot - and the rage just builds inside of me... How does he deserve that? Why does he get to do all the wrong - and come out of this with some one to "hold him" at night!?
I hear these stories... of those who have loved... been hurt - and then found true happiness with someone else... a happiness at a level, they before had believed to be impossible... and I do not know what to think about that.
I just have been finding myself wanting, simply - a hug. Some sort of human (adult) contact. Anything. But of course.. I don't even know where to begin for anything like that. And then, I get angry again. For ten years - I have kissed one man. I have slept, with one man. Even in the years where, the trust had eroded... and I had closed myself off - without even being totally aware of it... I blamed myself... he allowed me to blame myself... and there began the horribly unhealthy cycle - I stayed true to him. To my vows as his wife.
I cannot even allow myself to fathom how many others he was with during this ten years, aside from me. There are three that I know of. Unless my memory is failing me again. Three, physically. And if my memory is betraying me - well.. on this, I will welcome it's betrayal. It is no wonder so much of our life together had begun to feel like a chore to me... I was the only one with my heart in it for so long... that I forgot what the passion of love was supposed to feel like.
And now... here I am. Happier than I have been in a long time... yet - slightly dreading going to bed at night.
No one is warming that spot on the other pillow, next to mine. It is impossible to pretend I am not alone anymore. I have been for so long... and I know this. It was, after all... only an illusion. I wish that made it easier.
I know this is a phase... and in a day or so I will probably be right back to my all chipper self.... and I know this is normal.... and I am dealing with a lot... and I don't have to rationalize it to myself. I truly don't. Though just for a moment... I wish I could close my eyes, and feel the arms of someone who truly cared, wrap carefully around me.... Just for a moment....
Posted Date: : Apr 25, 2008 8:07 AM