Thursday, September 13, 2012

Paying penance for the sins of another...

Last night, after my babies were in bed, I noticed this tightness in my chest. I didn't exactly know what it was or what was causing it. There were plenty of possibilities... but I know now, it was not about the day I had just had... it was about the night that fell before me.

Choices and decisions. Guilt and solitude. Moving forward while stepping back... the deep desires that linger within ones heart... the hope that it has just been a really bad dream... that my waking moments are sure to arrive soon... but I know better. I know, they aren't coming. Nothing will rescue me from this nightmare that has been thrust upon me. Nothing, that is - but me.

Take a deep breath. Deeper. Open the window - and turn the proverbial page. Feel the emotions - that's fine... but don't succumb to them.

I have tarot cards. (And I know how to use them... haha. Actually, I don't - anyway...) I have two beautiful decks of tarot cards. I have spent a while hardly giving them a second thought - until the other day. An email list I have joined for the year (Diana's Grove) focuses on things like tarot. And I really want to keep up with the lists this year. Anyway - I drew three cards for myself to post on that list, to answer a question that had been posed to each of us individually in the group. And, though I know very little about the cards and their meanings - I am still always startled by the accuracy of what I get. The first card I drew, was the Five of Pentacles. The next, The Magician. And the last, The Empress. I don't think I got much past the first card though in looking at them. The picture was word a thousand words. It very eloquently described my life at this point, without speaking an actual word. And when I did go look it up in my book, well - I was not surprised at all. "A time of loneliness." As I said... I didn't get much past that in internally processing the cards. I still have to look up exactly what the other two mean. See - a while ago one of my teachers said she would never go to a psychic and such - because she did not want their views of her future "imprinted" on it. Setting it in stone, so to speak. I agreed heavily with that statement at the time. But I heard a point of view on it yesterday that may have altered my ideas a bit... and it went like this: "Tarot, a mirror of the soul - a reading enables us to lay our subconscious on the table. The observed is changed by the observer. The observer is changed by what she observes. By unraveling our unknown knowledge, our probably future becomes one of many possible futures. As we see ourselves, we shape what will be." (Cynthea Jones) And so - I will not run off and let someone ELSE read my "future" - but I have a renewed way of looking at those three cards I pulled for myself, just the other day.

For now - back to the "loneliness." At first - I thought that would be a horrible thing. But right now, as of this moment, I am leaving it up to interpretation.

Yesterday, Andrew (I just had to stop myself from writing "my husband") was here, visiting the children. After he left - just a few moments after he left - my brother came in the door. My sweet son (who has been very emotional recently) on hearing the door open again, jumped up and ran to it - thinking Daddy was back. And he wasn't. And Aidan just started to cry uncontrollably. So, I called Andrew -  after all, he had told me to do that, if the kids were having one of those moments, because MY getting all HIS guilt just isn't right... and Aidan just wept to him on the phone. Just wept. Then he was saying over and over "I want you Daddy" - and it didn't sound like he was getting a reply, and I realized - he had been hung up on. Andrew claims he has a cop behind him. IF that is true - I don't understand why he didn't just pull over and talk to his son.

But, he didn't. And then he jumps all over me for making him feel "guilty." Does he just expect me to tell him it is all ok!??!?

So - we talked in circles last night over the instant messenger. And everything really does come full circle. Nine and a half years ago, he asked me to marry him, via an instant message. We were sitting in the same room at that time, on different computers. I thought it was cute. Last night, by instant message, he told me he wants a divorce.

I didn't feel it. I didn't really realize it until a bit later. We were going back and forth over everything and he said to me "fuck off." I could not believe my eyes - and I felt it... deeply. Like I had been slammed in the stomach. I signed offline so I would not allow myself to deal with anymore for the night, and I cried.

I cried long and hard. I have no idea what time I went to sleep last night - but - I told myself those are the last tears I will shed for him, and for the shadow of the sweet loving man he used to be, that he has become. I have no choice but to rely on him right now - and I hope he doesn't let me down with that. I just cannot continue to be pushed down emotionally. Today - he was speaking to me like nothing had changed. I reminded him of his last words to me last night... and he half heartedly offered an apology - along with the "I was angry" excuse. There is no excuse; and he has no right to be angry with me. It actually goes quite to the contrary.

Now I have to pick myself up - and go forward. For my angels, and for me. I am hunting for a job - it's just been proving to be a bit hard. I have to be home when Jilly gets off the bus at 3:30. And I can't work at my sons preschool - or any school. I got that blow yesterday too. I knew my High School diploma issue would bite me in the ass one day. And now, it has. Well... onward march.

Where the hell do I start?

Posted Date: : Jan 16, 2008 2:31 PM

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