Nine

First and foremost: Consider this your potty mouth disclaimer.

(And, for you: I do not want to cause you "more" upset or stress... and this, well - it came out damn harsh. I will not apologize for that. But I felt you deserved the warning. I would have locked it up - because I will *never* change what or how I write over all for you - but I have been letting you read my entries recently, and I feel that is important in keeping us on the same page in some ways, and if I had locked one - you would have just asked what was in it anyway. So - here is your warning, your chance to stop reading here... or wait a few weeks and THEN read it. I know you will do neither... curiosity and all... but - well... there you have it.)

~*~

My hands are shaking just a bit... my mind - oh, my poor mind - it is quite cloudy these days... I am carrying around a tight knot of sadness in my throat, yet a huge flock of butterflies filled with excitement and happiness flutter in my stomach... The intensity of my emotions these days is simply off of the charts...

So now - let us cut right through the shit - and get straight to the chase - shall we? (Yes, I know I didn't say that correctly, exactly - and it was on purpose.)

When you search for blame for your problems... for anything that has ever gone wrong in your life... take a look at that place you are pointing for your blame... you see your arm so nobly extending in the direction of that person/place/thing you know is the reason for your strife, your problems... you see your hand, so full of conviction - your finger outstretched... "there" - is the reason for the problem that ails me...

Now... look again at your hand... while one finger is sitting there, so determined in pointing outside yourself... three more - are pointing right back - at you.

Tricky.... tricky...

Funny thing... this life. Every choice we make, no matter how small it may seem in that instant - well... The butterfly flaps it's wings... and the Typhoon lands... where?

I have made peace with those inward pointing fingers. I see the moment I should have said: Enough. Do you want to know when it was? Four years, and nearly 5 months ago. My sweet little boy was just a month and a half old - and I had just discovered yet another of my "husband's" affairs.

That - should have been it. Yet - it wasn't. I allowed him to waste another four plus years of my life on him. (See where the fingers point inward there...?) He apparently has now decided he cannot even proclaim he was ever "sure" about us. That stings a bit, I admit it. But at this point - it mostly just enrages me.

Just because I have let it go... just because I have moved on - and yes, I talk about how far moved on I am all the time - doesn't mean I have to forego my right to get angry when I think about certain points of the past, and it doesn't mean I will rejoice in his selfish, asinine, fool hearted, pig headed, nonsensical proclamations of how "guilt free" he is now.

Though I will say - Good for him. Them. Whatever. I am over it. (I am just flabbergasted at some of it.) And I am happier now than I have been in years. Though, sometimes... just, here and there - hearing him say some of the things he has said... well - I feel in some ways he should get pulled "out back" - and have the ten (TEN) years penance I paid to a man who 90% of that time treated me like disposable shit beaten out of him... Just once. (But then, I took it, didn't I? There are those fingers again...)

But he is "happy" and he has "found true love" - Good for him.

I won't touch that one. I have said I want him happy... and I mean it.

"If you can never find it within yourself, you will never find it outside yourself.." - I have used that quote many times.

~*~

Today, he wants his hand held it seems....

I feel like a harsh, cold, bitch for my willing ability to not even extend my hand to his need - as I watch him fall. My apology for feeling that way is sincere - but I have nothing left to give him. My hands are full. There is a child on each arm... and a new life eagerly waiting for us just over that next hill over there... An idea he so coldly threw in my face at the start of this - to send us off to Texas... and it took me so long to come to terms with it. And I do know, he was right - it is the best choice for us. But now - his "wish" or idea - has been granted. I have found my happiness in this choice - and I have embraced it. He has said before that he "made his bed" - now it is time for him to act out with the strength he pretends to convey in his words... for once.

He is giving me this total uncertainty regarding the last day he will see the children before we head South... and I want to just rip his selfish bullshit apart. This isn't about him. It is for them.

I could give a fuck what is easier on him... this is for them. They will want to see him the day before we load the truck, on that Monday - because they won't be seeing him on that Tuesday "like normal" because we will be LOADING THE TRUCK. This is not about making HIS life easier right now. He HAS someone to "hold his hand" at home at night. Me? I have to carry myself. The spot on my bed next to me at night - is empty. Yet you don't see me begging HIM for "sympathy." He speaks of his actions with such happiness and conviction and self assurance... then he proclaims he doesn't know if he can "face" his children the day before we leave???

Someone - please - get me a damn violin.

Ahhhh - hope. We all have a great hope for our respective futures. I am done worrying about his feelings - when he permanently and SO blatantly disregarded worrying about mine at all - years ago. And he knows it. Yet he wants understanding from me on how "hard" this is on him...

There is your bed..... go "lie" in it.

Tomorrow is a new day... overfilled with stuff - ready to blast us into the future...

Posted Date: : Jun 29, 2008 9:45 PM