So much to say... so little time!! I want to post pictures from my camera... but it won't turn on!! (Yes, I changed the battery...) I don't know what is wrong with it, but I am hoping it fixes itself rather than giving me a camera repair bill!!!
The kids had a blast on Halloween... I enjoyed it as well. I took all the Halloween decorations down outside just a little while ago - we are supposed to have some major wind gusts tonight, and I did not want my inflatable pumpkin flying away, or all those darn spider webs permanently melding with the trees!!
This has just been one of those weeks... yesterday I was frustrated. Actually, infuriated - with myself - over my health. I think even my dog noticed it.. I was just rolling everything over and over in my head last night, and he just appeared in my lap. (He doesn't do that often.) He pushed his way onto the couch, and just sat in my lap... (until the little dog annoyed the crap out of him, and he left.) But I was just so angry. Why couldn't I have taken better care of myself EARLIER this year? Now... money is becoming an issue... and so of course, NOW is when I have been seeing the doctor. I hate that. I hate feeling this way. I went to the dermatologist earlier this week - I specifically wanted to check this thing on my nose. It looks like a small permanent pimple. I don't think you even notice it unless I draw attention to it, but every so often it seems to open up... and then I feel like a teenager running around with a blemish or something. I wanted to make sure it wasn't some kind of funky cancer (basal cell carcinoma) - and it is not. Basically it is a cyst, with blood cells in it (that is why it bleeds every so often, I am probably scratching it in my sleep or something) - and I can have it removed at my leisure. But, while I was there, just to be safe (I am pale, I grew up in the South, and spent plenty of time outdoors not giving a damn about sun block) I had a full body skin check. Well...she found something she felt very strongly about taking a biopsy on. On the rear end side of my left hip. A dark, uneven spot. She called "precancerous" - I have a few of them on my back actually.... she totally removed that one, she said it was the "worst" - and would let us know what to do about the rest of them. (That statement there on it's own, implies we WILL need to DO something about the rest of them....) So, I am biding my time and biting my nails until next week... when we hear what comes of the biopsy. (And I am putting it out there to the Universe/God - whoever that it is nothing. That she calls me and tells me it was fine, just "come back yearly to have the others checked, and make sure none of them grow/darken/etc.)
Oh - and this happened just hours before trick or treating. And, she numbed my hip to remove it - which of course spread to (drum roll) my ass. Which was hilarious. I got to walk around house to house with my children, randomly stating "my ass, is numb." I thought it was pretty funny anyway!
And as if the week had not been fun enough - yesterday was my follow up visit with the optometrist. Ugh. My eyes are still very dry.... so she gave me (you guessed it) - more eye drops. I am SOOOO tired of putting crap into my eyes. But - she did talk to me some about the glittery sparkles that seem to suddenly invade my vision quite randomly. (Tuesday, while I was driving with Jillian, I turned a corner, realized I could not focus for anything... had to deal with that for about 3 seconds, as it went away, there it was.. bottom left side of my vision, totally gone, replaced by this acid trip light show. Over the next 45 minutes [as I HAD to drive, get Aidan, and get home] it grew to incorporate half of my visual field, and then finally diminished.) SO - we went through a line of questions about it - and it is in fact a scintillating scotoma - HOWEVER, because it started so rapidly this year, and if anything has increased in frequency, and ALWAYS appears in the SAME SPOT in my visual field... she can't immediately call it a acephalgic migraine. (Migraine without the headache.) Of course not. She is really pushing me to go see a neuro-ophthalmologist, who will probably want an MRI. Because apparently, it could be a sign of some other serious crap.
Have I mentioned, I don't have insurance!? Or, money!? But - what do I do!? Risk it getting worse? Let it get serious? I am certainly a bit concerned... I mean, I have these moments where I CAN. NOT. SEE. When I was 16 and striving for the trippy light show intentionally, that was one thing. This!? This I do not want. So - what the hell am I going to do? I worry about talking about it too much at home... my husband acts like I am over exaggerating (he is probably trying to play it down to ease my worries, but I don't find it comforting at all... just irritating) and my mother... I just don't want her involved right now. So... now what? The dog noticed at least, and crawled into my lap so sweet. Meanwhile - I am so angry that I did not get myself checked out earlier this year when I could have afforded it easier. I just don't know what to do.
And, that is enough rambling for now. I need to switch out the laundry, and run the dreaded vacuum.
Posted Date: : Nov 2, 2007 1:18 PM