Friday, September 14, 2012

Yesterday... Today... and Tomorrow. Forever forward...

Well written and carefully spoken... openly said yet with nothing given away. My intense desire to speak my mind while not saying the "wrong" thing...

My desire to write this privately is intense... yet - so is my desire to leave it open. The last thing I want is for anyone to feel I am speaking poorly of them by keeping it behind a locked door when - I am not. Yet, I don't want to lose any of my thoughts in trying to edit myself for the sake of treading carefully on anyone's feelings either...

So... let's just see where this takes me...

Hold onto your seats... some of you will fall over with what I am about to say next: Last night - by my request - myself, my children, my Ex, and - his girlfriend went to dinner. Together.

Back with me yet? Good.

Yes - there was a time when, I sat right here and proclaimed "my children will never meet 'that woman'" - and I threw in a number of other assorted "niceties" as you well know. Well... we all have the right to change our minds. Especially from a pattern that can only do us harm. And in the past four months... (how has it only been four months!?) - I am not at all who I was then.

My anger was misguided. Fear, was running my life.

And so... a couple of weeks ago - I told Andrew, I wanted us all to go to dinner. He had made it apparent he wanted the kids to meet her - and I needed a way to feel comfortable - otherwise, one day he was going to just introduce them without my consent - and that would have been bad. Therefore - I had to take the initiative...

As the hands on the clock turned and yesterday rapidly approached... a couple of things became obvious. One - that, after 10 years (T-E-N years) Andrew doesn't know me at all. (These days anyway.) And two - that, that terrifies him. He had NO idea where my head was at with this entire thing - and he was a nervous wreck. (Forgive me for taking complete pleasure in that.)

He went so far as to ask me Thursday - completely serious - if I had any "devious" plans for the dinner. Wow.

He was so unnerved - that he had clearly gotten his girlfriend unnerved over the entire thing as well. Friday morning - I turned my computer on, and proceeded to check my email... as I do every morning... and - there it was. And, I admit it - openly - my stomach jumped, if only for a moment. Sitting there in my inbox - patiently waiting for me... was an email - from her. For that night - I was prepared. A handshake and a smile would start things off well I figured.. (a sincere smile - it is important I say that.) THAT I was prepared for - but, to speak before that... well... I didn't see that one coming. (The last time she and I spoke, was last fall... and, we didn't speak at all - I did all the talking, actually, typing then... in a very raw email...)

And now - here was an email, in my inbox, from her. And, I opened it.

And - for just a moment - it brought up the memory of that anger... the email of hers was mostly trapped in the past... it was the hint of a reason... the desire to justify... and........


Not here. Not now. Not ever.

I have let it go. I want them to as well. We will never agree on the what's, why's, and how's. And there is no reason to try. But, that was then. Back there. My future? It isn't "back" there. It is "out" there.

I strive for harmony in my life. Especially now. I said this yesterday, and I will say it again - for the world to see... if she makes him happy - then I can do nothing other than applaud that. His happiness translates into his stability - and I only ever want my children to know their father as a stable man.

The dinner itself? Was rather uneventful, and went mostly as I expected. I had prepared the kids... I even had Jilly draw pictures for her. I showed them only excitement... and it was honestly - nice. The kids did most of the talking... but it was enough for everyone to begin to relax. It got that first "meet and greet" out of the way - and hopefully things can only get more comfortable from there.

And well... that, was my night! Well.. the start of it anyway!

Tally - ho.....

Posted Date: : May 24, 2008 2:18 PM

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