Thursday, September 13, 2012

Thoughts on the past few months...

Deepening day is upon us. The one day we meet - 3 months after our intense 3 day workshop. (In this case, the North.) We meet to go over and to deepen our work. The past 3 months have been so, very intense for me. I have not even CRACKED into my notes - this time, I felt like I haven't needed too. All of it, is simply inside me already. (Though, when I get home tonight, yes - I AM going to go over my notes, to be sure I am not forgetting anything!!)

But, I have not read the book I was supposed to read, I have not held the fires I intended to hold - but for the first time... my MESA really feels like my MEDICINE. (A mesa, in this case, is a Shaman's medicine bag.) It is not just a pouch of stones with "symbolic" meaning. My mesa IS my medicine. Each morning, I take a moment... and I sort of "check in" with it... I let it help me through my day. (The past few weeks, I have slacked on that a bit, and sure enough... my days have gotten a little more reckless... so - deepening day is coming at a perfect time!)

When we entered the North - my life felt totally broken. I had just discovered his infidelity. When we did our practice to tear apart our names (separate ourselves from our "labels" - our name deconstruction) - I could get nothing out. Nothing. And so, I sobbed. Which made Ellyn come and put her hand on my back... which was so reassuring... it also made me sob harder. How could I tear myself apart when I no longer knew what labels I even had? And I then of course feared the entire room was looking at me...........

At that moment - I felt so alone. But also, so protected.

Three months has made a big difference. I am not now where I thought I might be - when back then, I tried looking ahead to this moment. And I am happy about that. But I know whatever path had landed in my lap - right now at this moment... I would be, just. this. happy.

So - now what?! I take this deep crisis... and hold onto it as my medicine. And move forward. Knowing I will not lose my way.

It has been in my dreams this last week too... I have seen the mountains I loved while I was in Peru... I even had an entire conversation with Don Martin (the condor Shaman). I wish I could remember what was said though!!!

On that note - my mesa likes his condor feathers - as totally weird as THAT may sound!

There is SO much more I wanted to say... but since my head slowed down, and the words stopped flowing - I suppose that is enough for now.

Posted Date: : Oct 18, 2007 3:43 PM

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