Friday, September 14, 2012

These things we save...

I feel like yesterday morning I hit the ground running... at a speed beyond my full comprehension.. and I just have not slowed down since... with no signs of it happening any time soon either.

I was programming something into the calendar on my phone for later on in the summer - and I realized, it all fit on the same tiny screen. I didn't have to scroll through the dates at all. Today's (at the time, yesterday's) date.. and that day.. "move day" - July 8th. Oh... My... God. It is a month and a half away. (Technically a month and three weeks... 50 days from yesterday, 49 from today.) But - right then - it looked like a month and a half. I could just reach out - and touch it.

I am no stranger to how fast time can throw the world into your face while you are lost in a daydream... it just struck me like a piano falling from the sky yesterday... a month, and a half. Wow.

I didn't miss a beat however... I went upstairs to the computer room - which I had already begun last week to go through - that closet was filled, used for storage. And this time, I began to pack. REALLY, truly pack.

A box for him... and the "stuff" that was going with me. And once more - a big bag for things that would serve neither of us any good anymore... also known - as the garbage bag.

I started to fill these boxes, and pushed them to the side as the various items reached the tops of the insides of them... and I had to go to the garage to get some of the broken down boxes even - the ones I had gone through up there I had rearranged and shifted, so they were now full again. And I realized - the flaw in my plan... I had no tape to secure the bottom of the broken down box when I put it back together (broken down is my way of saying flattened..) This problem would throw my day to a grinding halt... and then, I remembered tape I had found amongst the "stuff" earlier - and I had placed it on the shelf in the closet. As I opened the closet door.. it tumbled off the shelf - to the floor... as if it knew I was calling it's name.

I kept going... and I found the back of the closet. The stack of papers I had placed on that shelf... still patiently waited for me, as if no time at all had gone by since the day we moved in. I put them there then - with the hopes I would never need to retrieve them. What did the papers contain?


Things I had allowed myself to forget. Things I had put up with - that no self respecting person should ever put up with. I looked through this startlingly thick file... my mouth hanging open... my heart pounding in my chest... and the desire to scream nearly completely overtook me. I came SO close to just letting it out... (and, if you know me, you know just how much that is not me.) Sitting there on my wood floor - encircled by black and white typed memories that had long passed.....

I felt anger inside myself so intense it made my skin crawl. My blood was absolutely boiling, and I was completely off balance - if only for a moment.

I stopped - took a look around myself... and reached out. I sent a message to a friend - needing to ground myself. The intensity of my fury mostly masked by the type written text I sent her I am sure... she replied "your not that person anymore..."

But you see - that was the reason for my anger. My anger was not at him. He was a creature of habit - doing what he does. No - the variable in the entire scenario was me. And I just kept taking it. Over, and over, and over again.

My anger - was at me. How could that person - that lived that lie - have ever been me??

But - I was reminded of what mattered - that - this is not who I am now. I don't even hold any anger towards him for it... (not much anyway..) - the entire charge I got out of that moment in time yesterday was at myself. I paced that room for a good half hour - totally telling myself - well, the "old me" - off. I then gathered up all the papers... and shoved them into the big black abyss of that garbage bag. After all - it is over. I never again need to remember how poorly I let myself get treated.. I don't need it as "records" for anything one day. It is done. And I don't need to bring any of that into my new life.

I got my entire computer room packed yesterday - except for the computer itself - which will get taken down last. And I started on my bedroom closet.. putting the clothes I know I won't wear between now and then into boxes.. this momentum I have... it just keeps increasing...

This morning was no exception. I stepped out of bed, got ready, got my Jillian onto the bus... and then I loaded up my truck with the boxes and boxes of the kids old and outgrown clothes from the garage to donate... and I headed out. I dropped all of them off at a drop spot - and I got back into my truck. I sat there for a moment - I found myself stalling before I could turn the key..

Was I really ready to leave that chunk of my life behind? The things those clothes I kept meant... "incase" of another child... - I took a long, deep breath - and I turned the key. I drove away, without even the need to look into the rear view mirror. Yes, I was ready.

From there, I went straight to notarize the paper the divorce attorney needs...

See - unstoppable forward momentum. And it feels really good.

Posted Date: : May 20, 2008 8:50 AM

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