Friday, September 14, 2012

Hidden triggers..

Today is a beautiful day - completely perfect by my standards - big, thick, rather dark clouds completely cover the sky... the breeze is warm, yet crisp... you can close your eyes, and forget the oppressive heat of summer is knocking on the door... I love it..

It does look like rain may threaten later - I love that, especially if it comes with some deep rumbles of thunder.. though many of the Father's Day barbeques around may get a bit spoiled by that, so hopefully, it at least holds off until later... (Update, it never rained, in fact - am I the only one who walks out of a dark building after going into it when it was cloudy and gray out - to proclaim, "BUMMER!!" when the sky has turned bright blue? Anyway... it was a bummer moment to me..!!)

Over the past week - I received so much praise, and many compliments, publicly - and privately: "your a Saint" - "your evolved" - "your too nice" - and I hear it all... and I appreciate hearing it, more than words can even say... but I am simply doing what I know to be right. Every action I take has to feel right, pure, and genuine to me - always.

I am not without my moments of falter... not at all. But even then - I can recognize it for what it is...

Last night, as I was trying to stop the searing pain in my head... (out of nowhere yesterday afternoon, I felt like I got hit in the head with a 2x4) I got a text from Andrew.. requesting my "blessing" I guess you could call it - my permission, to use his time with the kids today to take them to a Father's Day barbeque... at his girlfriends parents house.

Oh. Damn. I bought myself a few moments by replying with an "I don't know." - As my mind completely had a moment of.... upset.

Now - I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I can recognize when it is MY shit causing me issues. MY triggers. And to sit there and dissect those triggers, right then and there... well - that was intense for me, to put it mildly. But underneath them - there was no reason to say no. I had to get myself to that point though - that shadow I was not prepared to tackle, that I had not even realized was there - but... I did it.. (with the help of some gentle words it helped to hear, from the one person I knew would understand - thank you..) And, I took a deep breath - and replied. "It's ok with me."

And I put my head in my hands, and I cried.

Don't ask me why. I can't exactly pinpoint the specific reason.

We all make snap judgements - about people, places and whatnot. I, as is everyone else, am completely guilty of this. Sometimes we judge someone - and we never have to revisit that moment in time - and sometimes - that moment comes crashing back to throw itself into our face - in the guise of an innocently posed question. My judgement was based on one sentence I read last summer. And, I had forgotten all about it. It was "irrelevant" and had nothing to do with anything or person that would ever effect me - until last night.

I realized my skewed perspective... no one should be judged based on one sentence spoken not even by themselves. And so, I let it go. It took a moment... but I did it. Sometimes, I have to remind even myself that I wiped that slate clean.

So... here we are. Father's Day. My children are with their father... and I - am alone. Well, I know I am not alone - but, that chair, across from me here, on the other side of this table.... it is empty. I have no father to go visit today.... though I am sure he is close by.. the people I want to call to fill that empty seat - well, they are either to far away, or have families, with fathers, to tend too........

So - do you know what I am going to do?? Go squeak out the money to treat myself to a movie I really want to see...

I keep hearing my Medicine Wheel teachers words rattling in my head from yesterday... she said something, as we were all sharing our various stories - that struck me - and I am so glad that she did... "Oh great... another fucking 'growth opportunity'...."

We all got a good laugh out of it... and it is so true. Every challenge - is a blessing.

Oh, and have I mentioned - I got that tattoo I so vaguely mentioned last week..??


Posted Date: : Jun 15, 2008 8:03 PM

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