Thursday, September 13, 2012

A warm breeze on an icy Bay


Yesterday morning... I took my daughter to the bus stop.. came home, grabbed a shower, and then took my baby boy to preschool. Like any normal Monday morning. At least, it was normal from the outside, looking in.

After I dropped Aidan off at school.. I didn't know what to do... or where to go. My surgeon has cleared me to go back to the gym now... should I go do that? It was 10:00 am, and my life was upside down and inside out. It was a truly beautiful day... and very warm for early January in New York... so instead, I drove. I knew I could not go far - the "any moment now" red light on my fuel gauge assured me of that... but I drove.

And I landed, at Conscience Bay. Such an ironic name for the place I always seem to find myself when I really need to dig deeply into the depths of my soul. (Yes, that is REALLY the name of the Bay. It is small... but it has a beautiful park that runs along the side of it - with all sorts of trails - even a good chunk of land filled with bamboo - with a trail cut through it.)

Yesterday the breeze was almost warm... which was surreal as I sat on a bench, looking across an ice covered inlet. (I will post pictures later... I always bring my camera when I go there. It is beautiful, and calming in all 4 seasons.) And I sat there.. with my notebook in my hand... trying to start writing. Wanting to put everything down I have not yet purged from my system... and my phone rang. It was a call I knew would be coming at some point during the day yesterday... a friend of mine had officially become a Daddy. And after that phone call - I was just not mentally in the same spot - and writing was just not happening.

But - I think I needed the extra day to sit with my thoughts.

It's been amazing - the range of emotions I have been dealing with on a daily basis right now.

In one instance, I will feel so very protective of my children - protective of them in ways, against their father. They don't deserve this uncertainty. Other moments I feel like pleading with him to come back. And other moments I feel like saying "fuck him" and screw his warped and twisted ideas of "love" - and then I want to rescue him from it. But I don't want to throw all that time away like that. My children deserve better. My children deserve a father with his head on straight - and I want to be there for him, and help him through this. But he has to want the help. And then I am back to - myself and my babies, "against" the world. (Against isn't the right word there - but I am at a loss for a better one...)

No matter what - no matter where my head settles on all of this - the first priority right now is getting the bills paid. And yet still - that is the one thing I am trapped into relying on him for. I have no one I can borrow money from - and even if I did, I have yet to secure a job to assure them I could pay them back. Which I have been trying to do. I have gotten mixed signals from my sons preschool - which would be perfect. I HAVE to have somewhere that understands I HAVE to be home by 3:30 pm for my daughter's bus. It would just be - perfect. They even may have an opening when one of the teachers leaves on Friday... and I just don't know what to do.

Our dire financial circumstances were apparently the catalyst for my husband's "turn tail and run" thing he is doing. (Of course, now he is bringing up he and I problems, and honestly, it just sounds like he is making any excuse he can to just. plain. run.) He ACTUALLY SAID to me "it just makes me feel better to not LIVE it while it is happening..." Regarding our financial collapse. That's how I know he just isn't right - at all. He takes the liberty to get the hell out of dodge and leave his wife and children to LIVE it instead. But I wonder - just when the last time he was truly "right" in his mind was. I really do. How much of everything has been a lie... when has he been sincere. Could he ever be sincere again?

I feel like it is a problem in his head - that I hope can be fixed.

Meanwhile - will WE survive his breakdown? I don't know. He talks tough to me... yet he keeps us in limbo - promising the children he will be here when they wake up one day... all his clothes are here... he is saying nothing of it to anyone it seems... I wonder what will happen on the 18th when Amanda is supposed to come back here. He will stay here that night - but where? Will he expect to sleep next to me? It is nearly 2 weeks away - I can't have my family in this emotional limbo forever - is it wrong of me to give him an ultimatum by then? Decide to work it out with me, or not? That thought scares the hell out of me. What if he decides to just go his own way? I feel like I don't want to give him that option - given the screwed up state of his mind. But then, I can't force him to love me either. But how can I believe it has really been all a lie? And then I want to go back to pleading with him to stay...

And then, I have a moment like 5 minutes ago. My son - with his adorable little voice walks up to me and says "will Daddy be home while I am awake?" - Because yesterday, yesterday he promised them on the phone he would see them today. But no - he won't be coming by today. He says he will be here early enough tomorrow morning to see them both before school. I certainly hope that is a promise he keeps. And not to show up 5 minutes before my baby girl is to get on the bus either.. to REALLY spend time with them. Anyway - Aidan asked me if he will be here while he is awake - and I said no. And he started to cry. Just bawl. What do I do with that? (It is so wrong - so VERY wrong that HE screws everything up - HE runs away - HE leaves US and yet *I* am the one that gets all the tears from my sweet innocent children. EVERY night now, and EVERY morning... and apparently now - at random spurts during the day too.)

Aidan has been VERY emotional this week. This is taking a toll on him he does not know how to express... and that is just digging into my heart. And that - that throws me back into a protective of them, REALLY angry at him mode.... And I just don't know what to do.

Yesterday he tried to tell me to take the children and move to Texas. Just. Like. That. It's like he wants to raise 2 more Amanda's. Part time fathering, from a distance no less. Just throw us away. Go be on our own. That's that. He tells himself these things to ease what little conscience he has at the moment: "you will be fine" - uhh - of course I will. But HOW? No thanks to him, that's for damn sure. I would be starting at the ground up with work - which is in no way enough to support my children on my own... I just don't understand.

My head is just all over the place. Seriously. Move? Stay? Sink? Swim? Money? Riigghhhtttt.... My babies... protecting them...... NOT reliving the disaster of a life my mother has lived (which I feel like I am on the fast track too with all this nonsense... ) Love... lack of... was any of it real? Can it be real again? Is he worth any of this pain? Does he even know who he is? Has he ever been real? Where would the money for a move come from? Can't I just be here until the end of the school year for Jillian..? Poor, sweet Jillian... and her Autism - how the hell will she cope with all of this? All the change... My fear. My fear of failure. Of failing them... Where do I even start? HOW do I even start?

Baby steps... right? How do I take baby steps when the ground hasn't stopped crumbling beneath my feet? I need to find a way to fix this.... and my writing....... well - that is the only place I know to start. (So, that is what all of this has been....)

I just don't want to feel like I am swimming in quicksand anymore.

Posted Date: : Jan 8, 2008 2:19 PM

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