Two months ago, I felt like I was trying to balance on a pebble - hovering over a deep bottomless pit which held, if I would have stumbled, a frightening certain death...
Now? The pebble has grown to the size of a boulder... that I am perfectly comfortable on - I still have moments where, I feel completely intimidated by the uncertainty of my future - but we are going to be just fine - myself, and my munchkins.
Over the past few days, two people, at different times, who know me very well have said to me "you are just so different" - and it is a good thing - it is wonderful.
I have begun finding ways to give myself forward momentum... and it feels very liberating. And I think it is startling to him. Yesterday during his "usual" Sunday visit - he mentioned something to me about getting more of his clothes, and some of his things from the house. My reaction? "Do you want it in a bag, or in a box?"
I saw this shocked expression cross his face - like he was expecting me to argue with him about it... because I feel like, in his mind - he still thinks I am "waiting" on his return... he still thinks I am spending my time alone sulking over "loosing" him. News flash: I am not. I am so very done with him. ("done with him" - as my husband, I will always care for him in some way, and always plan on being his friend, he is the father of my children.)
I am not one of those people that take the commitment of marriage lightly... and when I make a promise, I do all that I can to keep it. Well, I tried too hard, and too long to keep my promise to him. And now, I feel like I have reached this spot, this place - that is startling to even me. A door was locked, the key thrown away... a switch flipped... a line drawn through the drying concrete... It's permanence undeniable - I am done with him.
For 10 years I gave him all of my love, and all of my soul... to someone who treated it terribly - like it was nothing that could not be gotten from somewhere else. I don't know what the hell I was thinking - but what matters now is, I figured it out. And I feel good. I have actually reached a point where, I *fear* him having a falling out or something with his "girlfriend" - and having him try to come crawling back... (because he is always one to have a back up plan, and he probably thinks that is me...) And, my fear does not come out of a desire to take him back, or worrying I would though I know better... no - my fear is knowing - I would simply say No. And I don't like to be the one in that position. Granted... this is all conjecture... but it has been this concern lingering in the back of my mind.
So... here I am. My strength is returning - a strength I had not even realized had left me... I have found my voice - to stand up for myself, that is a very new sensation - I must add... and the future? It will not be without it's bumps - and getting through the next few months may have it's trials... but it is my future - to create how I want - and that... I am looking forward too... immensely. I can make it, whatever I want it to be.
Posted Date: : Mar 10, 2008 2:23 PM