I am exhausted. Just plain tired. Beyond tired. Physically... and mentally. And, I feel like shit. I tried to get my husband to let me sleep some this morning.... and he got nasty with me. So, I reminded him that all day last Sunday he spent sleeping on and off... yes it was his birthday, and it was shitty in many other ways - but he did get to sleep. Then on Thursday, he did plenty of sleeping as well. Yes, he cleaned - begrudgingly though, might I add... but he spent most of the time, sleeping on the couch. I had asked for a nap on Thursday - he refused to let me... rattled off a list of things "he" needed to do - that he didn't do. So, I remained just as exhausted, and he had 2 days of rest on his side.
So this morning, he was so desperate to get his way, he yelled at me. In front of my children. "Your just a fat, lazy, worthless, (add more insults in here) even when you don't have stitches... and if you don't like it, you can get out!"
And he slammed the bathroom door.
And the kids, totally confused, cried.
Two hours later he made his way downstairs to get ready for work. He did not offer any sort of an apology... he just went about his business. That - is emotional abuse. I don't even want to look at him, let alone speak a word to him. I am probably wasting my time hoping for an apology that is anything close to genuine.
Is any of this worth it? Why do I deal with the various forms of nonstop bullshit from him if he is just going to treat me like shit? I have fucking stitches. This is NOT fun. This is screwing me up terribly. Does he ask me "what can I do to make it easier on you?" like a LOVING husband should? No. That thought probably never crossed his mind. He has no problem glancing at me sitting on the couch disapprovingly and complaining about how "disgusting" the house is though.
Maybe he is right. Maybe I am crap. All my life, nothing has ever turned out the way it was supposed too. Ever. From the time I was a little girl on. Maybe now I have doomed my family to the same fate. I just love them so much. I only want to feel loved in return. And I don't think that a desire for security in my situation is too much to ask for either.
I am just so tired. Physically, and emotionally tired. And I am so completely stressed out. And I feel like shit.
Why does he make me wonder if he even loves me?
Posted Date: : Dec 9, 2007 1:17 PM