"Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must first set yourself on fire." ~ Fred Shero (Though when I looked it up to double check myself, it is attributed to a few different authors..)
Fire... you can say about another person, that they have fire in their eyes... fire in your heart... fire in your soul... you can set yourself on fire, or you can be "lit on fire" by something... But we are not talking about fire here at all... are we? This fire is pure metaphor - for passion. Pure, instinctual, passion... for a moment, for a thing, for a feeling... for someone... for life...
To just "get it..." to have that passion for life... you can spot those people coming a mile away... it drips off of them. It is theirs... and they live it in every moment - breathe it in every breath... all of it - passionately....
And I have become quite certain - I am there...
I want to take you on a journey through my foggy memory filled roads right now - back to the beginning... but - when was that, anyway? I don't exactly know... So, let us start with the one "beginning" most recent in my mind - shall we?
Sometimes we have to open our minds up slowly... we cannot just accept at the snap of a finger that what the ideal of happiness was to us at one time... is not still giving us any satisfaction...
In January - I feel like a fire started deep within my soul... it burned gently at first... feeding off of my confusion and my anger... as it grew in intensity - it began to consume them both - they were emotions that did not serve me for my greatest good... and, they were no longer true. I was not sad... I was not unhappy with it... I was a little confused though... Confused - mostly - at my relief. This moment I had been avoiding for so long, was finally here. But - it was fine. It was time. I was so very done. All that was holding me back - was fear.
"Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom." ~ Marilyn Ferguson
I let that fire that had begun raging deep inside myself consume that fear - and what happened next - I have yet to fully grasp. It was like a cosmic two by four to the head... and it screamed out to me "Hey DIPSHIT! What the fuck have you been doing all these years!?!?!?!?" (Yes, I really do talk to myself that way...)
Since that moment - something like 3 months ago now... maybe longer... it is May isn't it? (Where does the time go!?) I feel like my soul is on fire - with that passion - and there is no turning back - ever - and there is so much to be said for finding out who you are, within yourself.
I feel like I spent years under a rock... and when I climbed out from underneath it - my life came rushing back to me... old friends have literally called me out of the blue... and tumbled into my inbox out of cyberspace. People I had tried to find over the years... suddenly - have found me... New (and wonderful) friends have emerged... and I just can't stop smiling!
Does all of this mean I am living a life free of fear or stress?? Your joking, right!? But it is all in the way you look at things... Fear - it is there to be embraced - to learn from... it is a gift. If you never face your fears - you never grow. And stress, stress is simply a part of every life. It "is what it is" - I can look forward into our future, and I can see some moments of rather intense stress lurking out there for me... the first of which will be during that drive to Texas... I can even see some moments of fear hiding out there... But they do not control me. They are a part of me. Therefore I can control them, by controlling my reactions to them - there lies the place where you can grab your power - and wield it. I control my reactions - I can handle ALL of it...
Somewhere in here I have remembered the person I used to be... before fear, self doubt, and uncertainty snuck in and began to control my life. That insecure naive person that was "walked out on" that morning in January... (3rd, to be exact) - she doesn't live here anymore. I would not even recognize her if I fell over her. She disintegrated as he slammed the door... and I stepped into this place in my life where, nothing - no one - is holding me back. (One door closes... an infinite number opened up... go figure.)
That fire I lit within myself... was not some little "a-ha" moment we all have here and there in our lives. It was not some small self contained flame. It was - no, it IS a primal, deep, all consuming forest fire... that I couldn't stop now if I tried. But... why on Earth would I want to?!
Well now... that is that - isn't it. Nuff said....
**I have posted this publicly. I will continue to add some public entries here and there. It is my intense desire to not quell how I write... a few weeks ago I considered going all out and opening everything up... I was stopped.. as much by myself as by those nearest and dearest to me... not out of fear - merely out of a need for privacy... which is an odd sensation for me. I have always said I can WRITE anything to anyone. Writing openly about how happy I am - it is not about alleviating anyone's (his) guilt for what happened... but I need no aura of mystery around myself - and I am far from unhappy... as I have said many times over the past few months - I am so done. Therefore... here I stand. For the world to see. He has his life and is happy (I hope) and I have mine... and I am the happiest I have been in longer than I can even remember... when before - I did not even SEE I was unhappy.
I am not saying I will never again be triggered by lingering anger over things that transpired over the past - how he handled them, and all of that. I am human, after all.
But the slate - it is wiped clean. The only place to go from here, is forward. After all - remember, I torched all the rest of it.**
As always... onward march... (at light speed...)
Posted Date: : May 15, 2008 11:13 PM