I have spent days now - being "ok" with this.
Tonight - tonight I am not okay with this. Talking to my husband... well... he doesn't seem to want to talk to me much at all. And in what little talking we are doing - I feel he just does. not. get. it. I just wish he would realize how badly he is screwing up. I really do.
I have so much to offer him. I have always been there for him - and it seems it means nothing to him. He is giving off this persona that - it doesn't matter. My feelings don't matter. And that is hurting me so, very deeply.
Tonight was the hardest yet for the kids. My poor son is getting very emotional... he just doesn't understand. And, I can't make him - because at this point - my husband has taken the liberty of not giving a shit enough to not care that he is leaving us all in limbo.
They questioned me numerous times tonight...... about Daddy, when they will see Daddy again. Will Daddy kiss me while I am sleeping... etc. Before Andrew left - he was so selfish - in his attempt to save HIMSELF from the guilt - he promised them he "might" kiss them while they are sleeping... he "might" be there when they wake up - they asked - he said "maybe."
He doesn't give a damn what this does to them... or me. Only that it saved HIM the tears as he walked out the door. It was so selfish.
So, tonight my baby boy asked me if Daddy will kiss him while he is sleeping... I said not tonight. Then he said "will Daddy be there when I wake up...?" I said no. And my poor, sweet son INSISTED to me, he would be.
Therefore, in the morning I already know what I am facing. Tears. They will wake up... come running upstairs anticipating seeing their Daddy - and find his side of the bed empty. And my son, will cry.
He has no right to take that happiness away from them - all because he needs to "find" himself - because he suddenly decided he can't handle the pressures of life. He needs therapy. He needs to see what he is throwing away - in ME, and in the every day life with them.
I know it is two separate things - but HOW DARE HE lay the pressure on ME - all because he can't handle dealing with the TRUTH of what his running away is doing to them.
I am so sad... and lonely right now. I can pretend I am ok... but right now - I am not.
Posted Date: : Jan 6, 2008 11:01 PM