Today is almost a perfect winter day. Almost. It is cold, but muggy - not raining, but moist. Very, very gray. I like the gray.
Sometimes, walking into this Starbucks I feel like a character on "Cheers" - remember that show? Everyone here smiles, and waves - the equivalent of "knowing my name" - so to speak. I came in here this morning armed with change... yes, we are just that broke... but this is the one item of normalcy I am trying to hold onto - stop in here, unwind some by writing... and let the rest of the world fall away. Anyway - on seeing my change, they just gave me my chai. I appreciate it, immensely. I know not to expect it each time - but it was sweet - and made me feel good. And I can stick $9 of gas into my gas sucking SUV, rather than $5. I hope my husbands check gets here today... my daughter is so very used to getting pizza from the place right next door to her dance school on Tuesdays - and she doesn't need any more shake ups in her life right now - with Amanda being here, then leaving and all. I fear having to let go of everything that has become financially normal - I fear the complete lack of security I feel.
Though, I should be used to it. It has been with me my entire life. From moving around with both of my parents - back and forth between Houston, TX and Mobile, AL - to the ridiculous lengths of financial instability my mother took us to after my father died. (She tried to convince us to 'squat' in the woods - with a tent - semi close to civilization.) I was 14. My brother was 9. (An additional side note - after I moved out - she, my brother, and some of his friends [they were older by then] - DID do this... on a friends land in Arkansas.)
Last week - as I sat waiting on my daughters dance class to end - the two friends I have made there started a conversation... one was talking about her brother and his family, and all the times they have moved... and all their never ending money woes... (she may as well have been speaking about me, and my family) and she said they have gone into default on their mortgage - the other friend asked how much they paid a month... and friend number 1 answered with $4000. And like it involuntarily jumped out of her, friend number 2 says "that's it!?!?!?" My jaw dropped by her reaction... - yet friend number 1 was un-phased. So her mortgage must be higher than that as well.
Mine is $1000 lower - and we can not afford it. These are not women who work... how do I get my family to a place of such financial security like that? I am very happy with the size of my house... I don't want a house large enough to even need to justify a $7000 a month mortgage. (That, is the amount I surmised must be the approximate mortgage friend number 1 forks out a month for her home...) I just want to be able to afford what we do have - and live comfortably. Not choose which car payment to make this month - do we pay the bounced check off to the electric company, or can it wait - while we pay the cable/phone/Internet and cell phone bills instead? Oh, and don't forget my baby boys preschool... I have to pay the rest of that this week too...
I need that sort of stability for my children. If we hold it together here until Summer.. and are still having troubles and THEN take off for Texas (I would be a little more comfortable with that, not move my daughters services in the middle of a school year and such...) Could we even get that stability there!? Nothing is guaranteed - is it? I need to put down ROOTS. Moving on a whim was fine when it was just my husband and myself... but now we have so much more at stake... if we move like that - and then it doesn't work - how would we get back here? And how would all that moving be right in any way to my children? I need us to get where we are going to be, and STAY.
And on top of it all - the looming question of the week... Does my husband love me like I deserve? He has put me through hell and back - the latest blow coming in his intentionally hurtful words yesterday morning - and as expected... he barely offered an apology... and he only mentioned it when I prompted the conversation, and then he said: "I am sorry I said it the way I did... but..."
That was all I needed to hear. Is that truly how he thinks of me? Why can't he just love me - like I love him? Especially now - with what I have been going through - when I need it the most? He must care - or he would not be with me... so why can't he show it?
I feel insecure - financially and emotionally - and alone. I don't want to feel alone.
Posted Date: : Dec 10, 2007 9:46 AM