Thursday, September 13, 2012

Standing in the future... looking at the past...

Holy crap... really. Where do I start? Did you notice - it is March?! How the hell did that happen anyway? He "left us" on January 3rd, and it is March... how can time fly so fast, yet - go in slow motion all at once? In my defense... I spent the first month of that, believing his "I need time to find myself" bullshit. What is worse was, I was allowing it. He was stringing me along yet again... I was not accepting that my marriage was very over. It is something I should have embraced... but that is another blog altogether...

But the past couple of weeks... just - wow. In the worse way... just plain - wow. I can't describe it another way.

It started with the children's week off of school... Amanda was set to spend time with "us" - she of course wanted to spend it all with Andrew, at his brother's house. Then I realized something... that first night, they went out to dinner. He had no money to buy the dinner... so, who bought the dinner? Well... Andrew's girlfriend bought the dinner... that is who. Andrew and his asinine bullshit... and his determination to keep the wedge in tightly between Amanda and myself... it threw her into this mentality - of being totally unable to "wait" and "sooo excited" about my - and my children's (her SIBLINGS) move in July. I just wanted to throw up. Seriously. I don't even know what else to say about it. The proverbial shit managed to keep hitting the fan though... because I was FED UP. I was thrown to the wayside in it all - as have my children been. To say I am livid - that is the understatement of the century. So much more happened, I don't even know where to begin. Andrew's brother and their screwball family stuck their noses in where it did not belong, and in all of it - I was painted as the "bad guy" - you know what? They can all go fuck themselves. All of them. Really. They don't deserve to see my children anyway - and I certainly will NEVER give them the chance to see them unsupervised and have a chance to say ANYTHING bad about me. So - there you have it. I wash my hands of it. For years I have been looked down on by those people... and I just do NOT care anymore. I am DONE.

I expect at some point, Andrew will realize just TRULY how badly he has screwed up - and HE will take the initiative to get Amanda in my children's lives. But for now... I am done sticking my neck out... there are too many careless people with very sharp knives in my company...

And... here we are. Standing in the future - looking at the past.... knowing exactly how my children will not be raised - and exactly who will not be involved in their lives. I am living for them, and for myself, and ONLY for them and myself now... and I know all of his warped tricks... tricks he possibly doesn't even realize are as wrong as they are when he does them... and I know how to protect them from the trap of his "be their best friend" nonsense style of parenting. My children... will not become what their big sister is now. (I adore my step-daughter... she WILL become a wonderful person... but I see a way that, it could have been made much easier on her - and for that, I blame her father, AND her mother... greatly.)

Financially - I am holding on by a thread... to go forward we have to get to Houston - in early July - yet I don't know where the funding for that is coming from yet... I am spending SO much time SO completely stressed out over everything financial - I just can not focus on everything else. I still keep making these lists of stuff I need to do - and none of it is getting done... at all. It is driving me nuts. Really... driving me nuts.

Standing in the future... looking at the past - I see myself and my munchkin's - arrive in Houston and do wonderfully... our little, special family... the 3 of us... stepping out on our own... and moving forward, together. (He will visit of course, but I am looking forward to it, in a new place, without his ability to try and control me, belittle me and make me feel like shit with one word... on our own, it will be so much easier... so much happier...)

My children and I... I adore them with every ounce of my soul, as I know they adore me... and we are going to be great.

Posted Date: : Mar 2, 2008 10:58 PM

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