First off... I wrote this earlier today, sitting in a Starbucks. So, though I am not feeling these feelings at THIS exact moment... they seem to be coming and going. So, take note, the time stamp on this should read 12:30 pm.
I feel exhausted. And overwhelmed. And like in one moment I am perfectly happy... and very content. And in the next, like the roof is caving in.
Recently I have felt very insecure in my marriage. I don't know what is bringing these feelings to the surface exactly... but I do know, when I feel this way - I have not been wrong. And I told myself from now on, I would pay close attention - to keep things from getting out of hand... to stop it before it starts. But - that alone is a very depressing thought. Why should it all be on my shoulders? Why should I feel like I can not trust him to come to me with his problems? Why should I feel like the first time he comes home to see the house not vacuumed and a sock in the middle of the floor - that he is going to text his next piece of ass in the middle of the night.....?
And, I do. Sometimes I feel like that weight lies solely on my shoulders.
This week I have been SO snappy... and I know it. I feel like I have forced my reactions to the things he says that normally don't get to me... to the extreme. And I HATE that. But I also hate feeling like he is keeping "tabs" on what is getting left undone. This morning he complained about my attitude... I wanted to say I was sorry.... that I know I have been really edgy... until he said "Why is it, when you go out for 2 1/2 hours, while I am here, I get the laundry done, the house vacuumed, and the place 'spotless' before you ever return?"
And, I stared at him. I wanted to say "maybe you are just that much better than me..." or "if you really need to keep track like that, then I don't need this shit - go marry a maid..."
But, I didn't.
Instead I took it. I let it fester inside me - and I felt ready to explode. I just did not want to get into it with him, right then.
He can be the "super hero Dad" once every month or two and "clean" the house in a whirlwind in 2 hours and feel superior - fine. If he feels I don't keep up with him and he decides to leave me over that - then I simply can't stop him.
Did I vacuum the house three times this week?! No. Did I do it twice? Hell yes. Has the bed been made every day when he gets home from work?! Yes. Did I forget to wash Aidan's sheets yesterday..? Yes.
Every day I clean. And every day it gets undone. He throws his dirty clothes on top of the dresser. He leaves his mouth wash and hair gel, and various other items strewn across the bathroom counter... but it takes two seconds to put them back into the cabinet, or toss the clothes into the hamper instead. I vacuum, and the dog simply walks past and the hair comes right back. I throw out the stack of cute kid done drawings and mail behind the laptop "spot" and as soon as my Jilly steps off the bus, and the mail truck passes... it is back again. (Today, I sat down, he tried to hand me the STACK of mail from today.... just randomly HAND it to me. I said, leave it there, I will go through it when I go over there... he says "oh, ok, just add it to the clutter" - I was ready to scream.) It just. gets. tiring. So, sometimes, I slow down. Does it mean I am going to let the house fall to shit and disarray? No. I just wish he would understand that. I am always cleaning... and never making headway. So, the one damn week I am "off my game" so to speak - I don't want to feel like he is already throwing in the towel and looking to a way to jump ship. And sometimes... I do.
This, only scratches the surface. I think I need to take this motto I have heard to heart: Under promise, and over deliver. - Instead... I think I have been over promising, and under delivering. I finally got my bag of samples off to the U.K. for my Arbonne business... (it is going International November 1st... and I actually have a contact there, and I am trying so hard to expand my team, so I can contribute something financially...) So, I can at least check that off my to-do list. I need to get together an Arbonne basket donation for a raffle the special ed PTA is doing. I am looking forward to being as involved with SEPTA as I can. (Basically, I stall in doing the things I have to do at HOME, there are too many distractions at once, take me OUT of the house, and I am good for almost anything... once I LEAVE the house...) I need to go to BOCES to do the training to be the "parent member" to sit in on the school board IEP meetings (as support for the parents, not the school board, as a parent that has "been there, and done that") - they were absolutely desperate for volunteers at the last SEPTA meeting I went to. I also have been left in the dark - I am supposed to be the class parent for my daughter's class.. and the teacher is planning a Fall party next Friday. I am supposed to have the help of two of the other parents... and no one is saying anything. I don't know what exactly I should do....... just take it all into my own hands, or what!? So... I emailed her teacher tonight.
I am desperately wanting to find the funds, and the time to continue my Four Winds training. AND I also want to find the funds to go on another trip to Peru that my LOCAL group is organizing for early next summer. That trip would just bring everything I learned in my last one, and take it to an entirely new level.
And, all this leads me to the intense money fears I am having. I mean - the husband HAS a job... so we have an income. But at this point, it runs a good bit less per month than our overhead seems to - at least at the moment. (That should improve... but it takes time to build....) And of course, more and more financial obligations seem to jump into the pot at each turn.
And, my eyes. Now I have to go get Amanda tomorrow night - will I be able to see? I have that follow up appointment on the 1st. (Even more money removed from our oh so empty bank account..) My eyes have me so freaked... even driving in the low light during the DAY today - while it was very cloudy... I was having troubles. I realized I was squinting to see... HARD. The lights were bothering me so much... the glare was horrible. And I had THOUGHT we would be getting insurance on November 1st. I was wrong. And there are so many things I have been putting off for myself for WAY too long now. And I had gotten it in my head I was going to FINALLY take care of some of it in November..... I will find a way to see a dermatologist this month.... I just cannot allow myself to wait any longer. And I wanted to have a full blood panel done... my thyroid levels have always checked out okay... but I am thinking there must be SOMETHING metabolic going on - I am working so very hard at the gym, and losing NO weight. (Gaining, even.) Still. And all the working out is making my hip hurt... and I am running out of pain medication, and where the hell am I going to get more from!? My doctor needs to SEE me before refilling it again. I can't afford a trip to Texas right now. But I don't have insurance to find a new doctor here - with new tests, and more ways to spend my money. And my hip has been hurting SO SO much more recently - an MRI would be good, you know - let's take a look at what IS going on in there these days... But - I can't DO that... I have no money.
My baby boy's birthday is coming - we have to do a party for him, like we did for Jilly... and then - there are the holidays right behind it.
I need to find a way to skyrocket my Arbonne business so I can contribute, somehow. I even inquired about a job at my son's preschool... but the hours would be impossible, because I have to get my daughter off the bus at 3:30.
So - I feel like I am on complete overload. And, now I see why I have been "stuck on bitch" for the past few weeks. I just need to figure out how to change it. Organize my life and my time better.... and not let the simple shit get to me. It will make me nuts if I let it. There are a lot of things coming up that I am really looking forward too - most I mentioned... some I even didn't.... I just hope I can afford it all.
I am looking forward to putting the munchkin's in bed, and just vegging out in front of the television for a while tonight.
Side note: I was just informed "I hate when you call me the husband..." - I guess I will have to change that in the future!!! (Sorry!!!)
Posted Date: : Oct 25, 2007 6:12 PM