No... I can't top the entry from the other day (thankfully) - yet...
You know - I made this statement to a friend on Wednesday regarding the tire "situation" - questioning why I always seemed to pay his karmic debt - why, was I exposed to that stress too - why couldn't that tire have gone flat on him, alone, on the Southern State parkway on his way "home" - why did it have to happen in my driveway?
Maybe the Universe thought I should have a chance to show him just how ridiculously nice I am? Though - because of the neighbors help (just help) I don't get the credit where it is due to me, in his screwy mind - but - I am trying to remember that it is just him... I am trying very hard to remember that.
Apparently yesterday afternoon he had the tire replaced (the spare was just a doughnut thing) - Anyway, when he got into the same car to drive it to work this morning - it apparently had no breaks. (Now, he managed to not hit anything, and his ability to handle these situations, well, we have already covered that, right? So - I doubt it truly had no breaks like he said, because he didn't hit anything - but, apparently it gave him quite a scare.)
He still made it over here this evening for his visit with the children... borrowing his (new) bosses truck? I don't know - I have stopped asking questions honestly - it doesn't make sense to me that someone he just met would be that nice - but he has this way of convincing people (initially) that he is a completely sincere person... and I hope this new endeavor works out for him... I really do.
All of this didn't stop us from having one of our weekly financial roundabouts today though... I just get so very frustrated with him, with my situation... with his "promises"... with everything...
You see, he has told me he would continue to handle "everything" financial for me through when the children and I move - because right now, going to work would simply be all screwed up... I do not lie - I do not do it well - it is simply me, and to go get some office job, smile, and promise I am in it for the "long haul" - when I know I am leaving in July, just doesn't make sense to me... Then there is that other option - I could go work at Starbucks - and make just enough to cover child care anyway - so, seeing (or pretending too) how upset and totally stressed out I was over this a few weeks ago, he had this moment where he sounded so nice and sweet, sincere even... and he promised me he would do "what he had too" to make sure life remained okay for myself and the kids until we moved...
The moment has come to hold him to that promise, and so far - he is coming up short. My truck payment is past due... as is the insurance payment, all of the other bills are coming due - most importantly my children went without milk and the basics they are very used too for 2 days... while he whines to me "I am trying" he says, and "what more do you want me to do?" (Try, keeping your word!?) As he goes out to dinner (with her), has as many of his damn cigarettes as he can smoke, his gas tank is always full... and... you get the picture, right?!
I wish there was a legitimate job I could do from home... with Jillian's school schedule and having no one to watch my little guy... (my mother is leaving for Texas in 2 weeks to start to set things up for us there, so she can't watch him...) I just feel lost. I know things will be fine. From July on, it is all planned out - I just have to make it to that point.
(I have to have Jillian finish her school year here, and school ends June 27th.) Once I get to Texas with the kids, animals, furniture and such - my mother knows the first month of bills are totally on her - I need July to settle the kids in, unpack, get everyone comfortable and acclimated, find a routine, deal with the school system and register the kids, and all of that... But then - unlike the school's here, that start in September, the schools there start in early to mid August - and now my little guy will be in Kindergarten - so most of my week days I will be free to work anywhere, and if they are out of school before I am home, at least I will only be paying for child care for a few hours in the evenings, not all day every day like my sweet little guy needs now. Make sense?
I am just so tired. Tired of his empty promises, tired of the struggle, the hollow words, moments he will say anything to appease with no intention of following through... It is just a few months - just a few months for him to keep his word. I hope he can actually do it. Though I just can not wait for the day when, I am not relying on him anymore.... when I am in my own place, he never had any stake in... where he can't walk in and act like he is "Lord of the manor" and try everything in his power to cut me down...
The illusion is shattered... the mask ripped off... the years of lie upon lie I allowed myself to believe have dissolved... I am so much better than he had allowed me to believe...
I question why I even let it go this far... I know there is a reason in it... a lesson hiding in it's shadows... A lesson I may subconsciously already have learned... I am handling him so much better now too - his old attempts to remind me that I am "shit" - just are not working for him anymore. I have found my ability to call a spade, a spade...
I have remembered, I am the owner of that reflection in the mirror.... and only me. I hold my power.
(And my laptop charger thing broke, so, my ability to sign on will be sporadic for a bit!)
Posted Date: : Mar 6, 2008 11:20 PM
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