Thursday, September 13, 2012

While silently inside my head, I am screaming...


Smile - even if your faking it. A friend told me that last week... it almost works.

I have this bitingly harsh sarcastic streak that lives deep within me... normally I quell it's desires to rise to the surface. A couple of weeks ago when this started - it had taken over - and I would snap at Andrew like a brittle twig... Over the weekend though - I have to pat myself on the back.. I managed to keep it (mostly) quiet.

Like in the moments where - for instance he says "I am going back to [his brother's] Sunday night after seeing the kids, to make a family dinner..." - I tried to muster a smile... though I mostly ignored his selfish ignorant statement (the first time he said it at least) - while silently inside my head, I was SCREAMING: really!? How's that work, seeing as your FAMILY is here, and taking no part in it...........

He did ask us if we wanted to join them. I just didn't see that turning out very well at all. (Once again, selfish, and thoughtless - I then would have to drive all the way back out here from West Hempstead, ALONE with the children, who have to get up for school the following morning...)

None of this makes sense. He stayed over here Saturday night, to spend time with the kids. He slept in their room. We did talk some Saturday night. And we talked in circles. He is making no sense. Each time he "lost" the conversation he would just say "we are getting nowhere" and such. But really - I have no idea where his head is at. His problems with our life range from - things I have already fixed... to things he says we never should have married over in the first place - 10 years later. I asked him how much longer he expect to remain "unsure" - he said 2 to 4 weeks. I am accepting that horribly selfish reality only because of my strong desire to keep my family together... and I still think this is some problem in his head that I pray he will grow the desire to fix.

He also told me he "almost" had an affair in 2000. He was either trying to hurt me and get me screaming, or, it was his backhanded way of admitting he DID have an affair I never found out about. Either way, it is just ridiculous. I miss the caring, sweet, funny man he used to be.

So... here I am. I don't know exactly where that is... but I am here, nonetheless. My concerns over finances are growing... and I just don't know what to do. I had been relying on my mother for grocery money each week... she somehow managed to get herself fired on Friday. She asked me not to tell Andrew over the weekend... so, I didn't. But of course, he expects me to make them bleed money to take "pressure" off of him. And he is right... she lives here, she promised she would contribute - and to date... what - 2 years later? Or is it nearly 3 - she only contributes when I practically beg. And now... she is jobless. I am getting to that point of being totally fed up... and the last thing I need right now - is to feel like I have to tell them to leave. If I am all alone, I need the help with the kids and such... I wish someone could give me the answers. But - I know that is something I have to come up with on my own.

I will try and write more later... this came out jumbled and did not cover much, if any of what I wanted to write about when I first sat down here.

Posted Date: : Jan 14, 2008 1:34 PM

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