Below... what I wrote - I wrote yesterday, early in the day. At this moment in time... I am not feeling so great. My "husband" changed his "status" on myspace to "swinger." It made my stomach lurch. Sometimes I just feel like he is trying to hurt me. Really. Swinger? It is just a mean thing to do... "ohhh, look, see how carefree I am!? I am a swinger... ohhhh" - I really, honestly feel like he is trying, TRYING to hurt me. Mine still says married. I don't know what to do about that... it doesn't give me the option to write "separated" - and we aren't divorced yet.... I just feel really hurt. Really, honestly hurt.
Anyway - the rest of this I wrote yesterday.
Happiness is a choice... The past few days it has been hard for me to keep my focus. Do I have it back now? Not so much... but at least I remembered it. It's just been hard - as I have felt like I was drowning in mud - vanishing into the quicksand of life...
I have allies. I know this. I also know I am my own best ally. I get scared... I see people who - they seem to think that everyone else is there to help them. I have spent so long surrounded by those sorts of people - I forgive myself for faltering, for feeling totally overwhelmed. At least, I am trying to forgive myself. My husband, well, Andrew - (I don't know what the hell to call him...) anyway, Andrew is guilty of it all too often - and my mother - as I said before - my mother always fell back on others. So that - anyone there to lend me a hand... I don't think I am really seeing - because of that fear that lives in me - of being viewed as someone that expects the world to rescue her - when - everyone has to rescue themselves. And make their own life. (But, I am trying to accept that, sometimes, rescuing yourself, means saying "yes" when someone offer's help...)
There is an ad in my little community paper today for "work from home data processors..." The pay listed is much higher than I need - so - if it sounds too good to be true and all of that... it must be? I will check into it anyway - if the pay is 1/4 of what it says it is, and it is not one of those scams, I have to pay something to join - well then, it is something... right? (Update, when I looked into it, it is a pay $97 to join sort of scam sounding thing...)
My little guy is at school today... he also will go on Wednesday. Then, that will be the last day until we come up with a way to pay them. I say when because - I don't want him to loose that, and the friends he has made, and the wonderful times it has given him. Just a couple of weeks ago one of the teachers told me "he seems to finally really have opened up..." Even if I bring him down to just 1 day a week - it is something.
It is the uncertainty that is wearing me down. Giving me moments of such panic. I have wondered - could I find a job upstate? Or in Connecticut, or New Hampshire? Massachusetts? And someplace cheap to rent? Where at least my children are closer than a plane ride away from their father. And that has nothing to do with throwing guilt at him. It is about the way *I* want, and expect them to grow up. Period. I hope that, the fact that I think this way, that I am so concerned with keeping them CLOSE to him, makes HIM happy. But it isn't about him. It is about doing right by my children. I want to know that, if they need him - he will be there... and not have to deal with the crap of getting on a plane, and all that.
My stress is financial. That is the sum of it all really. I have been looking for local support groups and such - maybe I am looking in the wrong places or something, but I am coming up short. I just need ideas - from women who have done it. Been here, when there was no one to fall back on.
My mother still hasn't read that letter I wrote to her. And after announcing she would move in February (how? where to? with what money? I don't know...) She is still acting like all is well with the world - and even yesterday mentioned something about when "we" move. I just don't understand her at all.
My wheels are spinning - but they are spinning in the sand - with no traction at all. I have ideas - but how do I get from here to there? I know almost exactly the bare minimum we need to live on for a year... I just need to find a job that will pay me that. Yesterday.
Okay, I am off to bed.
Posted Date: : Jan 29, 2008 11:07 PM