Valentine's Day. My word/phrase of the day seems to be "Bah-Humbug." Ready? All together now.... better yet - don't commiserate in my misery with me. I will get over it - someday. (Won't I?)
I just feel this deep longing, and sadness. The thing is - I have never been treated so great on Valentine's Day by my "soon to be ex-husband" anyway. The stereotypical flowers, chocolates and such he would bring me - it almost always felt like he felt forced to get them for me anyway - by my expectations, or that of "it is what you DO on this day..." sort of thing. He always complained about Valentine's Day - his cynicism usually made me feel bad about myself anyway during some point of each of my past Valentine's Days with him. But still - right now - to be handed a flower - in all it's cliche filled glory... would probably make me feel really good. But - no one will be handing me any flowers today, and I am painfully aware of that.
I just get really, really angry thinking about him - and his little piece of trash "girlfriend" - who is probably so happy he is "finally" truly "with" her - "celebrating" for Valentine's Day.
I am trying not to think about it. It isn't healthy for me. But it seems I just can't help it.
He is already over me - and moving on with his "life." He was over me years ago it seems. I just hate feeling this sad, and alone.
I feel taunted today... by songs on the radio... the commercials on the T.V.... the happy couples holding hands... Will anyone ever love me like I should be loved? I spent 10 years trapped by a man who I loved so very much - and I don't think he ever truly loved me. He certainly never felt like he had to be committed to me... the ring on his finger meant nothing. It has destroyed my self esteem. - My ideas of myself... - it has broken my vision of what a true, sincere, respectful relationship is like.
It has broken me.
I want so very much to pick up the pieces and make them fit. But I don't even know where to start.
And then there is the salt in the wound - his blissful little relationship with his little whore. I don't want to hate her like I do. It is ripping me apart. If "she" was someone he had met since he left - it would be different. It would still hurt like hell, that he cared so little he had already moved on - but I just HATE her.
Because she is the one he screwed over the summer. She is the one who had no morals - who was so excited to be "dating" him over the summer - a married man lying to his family at the time. She has held this fantasy about being with him since she was a child - as he was a friend to her brother... she is MY age... an age he has so often faulted for all our differences, as he used it to insult me and tell me *I* was childish. Part of me hopes she rips his heart out one day and stomps on it as he has done to me.. but it is wrong to think like that, and I know this.. it isn't me, it is not how I am. And then I think - he doesn't know what love is. Even when she does realize what he really is, and leaves him - it will mean nothing to him anyway........
I don't know what to do with all of these emotions running rampant through my body.
I don't WANT to feel these emotions anymore. I just want to pick myself up and figure out what the hell I am going to do - my children are counting on me.
My isolation is taking it's toll on me... and I am trying to figure out how to change that.
If I only had a dollar to spare, (I don't.) I would buy myself a fricken flower.
Next year on this day - I will have something special planned for myself - and my children... my true loves.
Posted Date: : Feb 14, 2008 1:17 PM