I have probably 20 or so ways I could start this entry... but I am going to begin with the one that is probably the least comfortable for me to open up about. I asked for this.
What? You heard me. Or... read me - whatever. I. asked. for. this. ALL of it.
When I went on that trip earlier this year, it came with a warning. Yes, a warning. "You will be mulched by this work as the Earth mulches last years corn left in the fields... you will be torn down, ripped apart, and then finally - pieced back together." Back together a better me, of course. In fact, saying the word "warning" is coming off too harshly - more like, a promise. But I digress... since the moment I stepped off that plane back in the States to go home - everything has changed. And I have been fighting it. Pushing against it - and each time it pushed back harder, and harder - because I invited it.
From the turmoil in my marriage to the turmoil with my health, and now the turmoil with my step-daughter and the lingering possibility of a move - apparently I am really hard headed.
Yet still - I am unclear about the message...
Or, am I? As I sit here and think about it - is it truly so simple that it is about where we are physically? Is it about the way I relate to everyone?- I don't know. Maybe it is both. I have seen so many things the past few days about Houston... shows on TV, various things popping up online... is my resistance to moving and holding firm my lesson? Or is giving in?
My horoscope yesterday and today talks in some way about changing my plans/mind and giving in - of course I don't make major life choices based on that... it's just one more thing in the pile.........
My husband started working today at a different car dealership - the same company - better location. If he likes it there, and can make more money there - maybe we will be okay anyway, right?
My poor, poor husband. He has been ripped apart by all of this with his daughter. I understand why he wants to just bail out - I really do. Yesterday was his birthday. His birthday. Did she even SAY happy birthday to him?! No. She only said "aren't we going out for dinner for your birthday?" - because money grows on trees where she comes from. Never mind the fact that a few days ago she told us how much she despises going out to eat with us because of my babies.
She is so self serving. And I am just so very angry with her. Once she realized she got her way - and she is going back to her mother's (her mother said not until this coming Friday - she is probably still trying to buy herself a longer break, or hope that she will stay with us... who knows WHY the wait) - anyway - INSTANTLEY - she no longer "hates" us. Everything is just supposed to go back to the way it was.
My husband is trying to take that attitude of hers (everything back to normal, the way it was, etc.) and run with it - because he loves her so much, he has too.
I am disgusted by her audacity - I refuse to forget everything she said, did, and is still doing. I demand an apology (in a few years, when it is sincere) and I will see to it she sees what she has done. I love her so much, I have too.
She was not supposed to go back on the computer while she was here - that lasted half of a day. Then she wasn't supposed to go back on aim - she could care less what she is "allowed" - she apparently thinks she runs the house. She was also told she is not getting her cell phone back until after she is back at her mother's house and has proven herself respectful. She "accepted" that for the first DAY - and now huffs and puffs about it. Guess what!?!? With the continued disrespect she is dishing out - her phone is gone. If her mother wants her to have one, SHE can pay for it, on her own plan. She is nasty and disrespectful, and her sense of entitlement to things that should be earned is nauseating. I just do NOT understand.
My husband is trapped in the middle. That is a position I NEVER wanted him in. And I can see how sad and alone it is making him. He has always had issues backing me up when he should when it comes to her - he wants to do whatever it takes to "make her love him" - to be her best friend... and that doesn't always jive with what should be done as her father. Sometimes it is not all about her happiness - it is about what is best for HER. And right now, she has a lesson to learn - she has no business treating everyone like shit - and we are not her carpet to be walked on.
Her mother had told her she HAD to go to school here for the week - this morning - she REFUSED to get up. Refused. When we were her age, our asses would have been yanked out of bed in our pajamas SO friggin fast - thrown into the car and dumped at the school door. No - walked to class. Now, we can't do that. Someone could scream "abuse" and people with NO knowledge of our lives would get involved. She of course did request this morning "don't get Mommy involved" - Riiigghhtttt. She thinks we are all against each other or something.
I just with there was a simple answer. Hopefully by the end of this week - after my husband has done a week at the new place - we will have an idea about whether the income will be better here, or not. I presume that to be something that would keep us in NY - UNLESS my husband has just really, truly decided he wants to go...
I am closing my notebook now (going to type this later, it is 11:30 am!) - anyway... now I am leaving Starbucks - stopping briefly at home - and going to my surgery appointment. Think happy thoughts.
** Update ** Okay, surgery appointment went well... I had a HUGE chunk of skin removed, and have all sorts of stitches. It is no longer numb, and is damn uncomfortable. I am totally freaked about pulling off the "pressure bandage" tomorrow morning to put a clean new one on. Especially with how much the surgeon reiterated about it being in a very easy to rip the stitches out spot.... and, it is really kind of hurting.
On another note - I did have a bit of a talk with my step-daughter today... tried to let her know I am not being hard on her simply because I enjoy it... I *THINK* I actually got through to her, hopefully a little. She says she is going to go to school tomorrow... I guess I will update you on that, tomorrow! I am exhausted, and very, VERY sore. Oh it is starting to freaking sting. Okay.. good night - I will update tomorrow!
*** Side note, I did NOT proof read this, I may fix spelling errors and such tomorrow morning!!!!
Posted Date: : Dec 3, 2007 11:53 PM
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