I want to know what it would feel like to have a little less to worry about. To not be on constant watch for the moment where the bottom drops out - of my love life... of my financial stability (which has very little ground to stand on anyway) or of my life in general.
I saw my friends at my daughter's dance school again yesterday - friend number 2 was thinking out loud about where they are going to go for Christmas. She wanted to go to Aruba, but no... some of her children's passports apparently are not up to date for that... So, they thought about a skiing trip, but wanted something warm... so Florida? Maybe - though the flavor of the week seems to be California. I am not jealous of her - not at all. I am thrilled she has that freedom - and I truly and sincerely look forward to seeing the pictures from wherever they end up going... (how friggin expensive will it be to book a Christmas trip, this close to Christmas!?) I just wish that we, too - had that sort of financial freedom and stability. Not even THAT much... just something.
And my love life... I know my husband loves me - I remember the concern, and even fear in his eyes when we talked about my skin cancer - I just wish I felt it consistently. I have seen people who - when they talk about their spouses - you can see the intense love they feel for that person, written all across their faces and bodies. I want to know that he gets that same look when he talks about me. And I don't know that he does. That stings, a little.
Does it mean he doesn't love me? Of course not. Does it mean sometimes I wish he loved me a little more...? Maybe.
But then, I worry I am being selfish... everyone is different - maybe it just isn't in him to do things like that....
I am just so tired of worrying about everything. I keep telling myself everything will work out - and turn around for us - I just wish it would hurry up and do it already. I, personally - do not believe that in this lifetime you pay "penance" for the 'sins' and bad deeds you may have done in your past lifetimes - I believe karma to be much more instantaneous than that... and if life is truly what you make of it - purely the sum of your choices - why is ours so fraught with hardships?
No, I am not going on a "why me" trip - I had that stumble over the weekend... I just want to figure this out... truly. I have been a "good girl" - I have done my best at everything - so - what am I missing... what are we missing - that keeps us in this perpetual state of the "shit hitting the fan...?"
I just want my family, my husband, my children and myself - strong, and together. Secure in every move we make... and I just feel like we are spending so much time struggling, that we are missing our chances to enjoy each other.
Does that make any sense?
Posted Date: : Dec 12, 2007 2:29 PM