(Broken, fractured, weakened. - Yes, I wanted to spare you the dash for your Latin to English dictionary...)
The room is dark. A deep, thick darkness... it is wrapped so tightly around me... I can barely breathe - it is the sort of darkness that - anything could be there, mere inches away, hidden in plain sight by the world without shadows. No shadows... as there is no light. One begets the other, you know.
There is no up or down. No right or left - yet there it is... off in the distance - a nearly microscopic pinhole of light. But I have no way of knowing how to get there. There is no map, and in a world where up could be down, I am not even sure how to take the first step... or what that step even should be.
Should. A word full of limits, and expectations. Frozen in place, between want, should, and how - I sit, and watch, as time turns tomorrows into yesterdays.
Everything feels so broken. Fragmented... in pieces.
I don't know how to put them back together again... and I wonder - did they ever really fit together at all? (I am not talking about my marriage, more my idea of how life is "supposed to be" - "should" be... there is that word again...) Maybe I don't need to fix the puzzle - maybe I just need to change it all together. Again then, however, I ask myself - How?
As the Earth spins - I have no choice but to spin with it...
How do I learn to control my mind? I have become so angry, over something that may not even be true. Stories created in my mind by coincidental circumstance. But I know, if I just ask - and I am right, I cannot expect a sliver of truth out of a man who, by his own proclamations says that, basically our entire life together was a lie.
I wish I could make a good living here. He seems perfectly fine "shipping us off to Texas" - and it doesn't sound like he has any honest intent on moving there too. So - there it is? My children thrust into a lifetime of seeing their father "when he can" - which - I leaned by his example with my step-daughter Amanda will be what...? Once, maybe twice a year? (When we were in Texas, that is how often he saw her.) HOW could he be ok with that!? I guess I should expect nothing less of him... he did it with Amanda - and even now, here, he stops by - and evening rolls around and he is ready to run out the door. My mind wanders... is there already some girl he is hurrying off to see? He apparently "dated" other women all through our marriage... why wouldn't he care enough now to put other things as a priority, right? He SAYS he is rushing off because of the stress. Because again, HE can just leave. You know, looking out for number 1 and all that. It makes my blood boil. When you become a parent you no longer have the right to put you first. Yet, he has. He says he is "shedding his layers" and tries to make himself sound so enlightened. Personally - it makes my stomach churn when he says that sort of nonsense. It is selfish - pure and simple.
I wonder if he will ever learn... I was not his problem. He was - and still is. He loves nothing but the chase. Chase the new life... chase the new girl... chase the new anything... It is actually very shallow.
I want to go home, and hug my children. Just hold them so tightly so nothing can touch any of us. The only problem is... that will not pay the bills. I don't yet know what will. Tomorrow will be my son's last day at his preschool - if they even let me bring him in. I wonder if some place will hire us both? It feels like that is the only way I will get a job right now.
I am really down. The psychologist squatting inside me says "this is just a phase..." you know: denial... anger... sorrow.......... I guess I am somewhere between anger and sorrow. Not sorrow for him - he doesn't deserve that (see, there is the anger...) but sorrow for the other things... the things that *should* have been. And anger at the confusion... the "thrown to the wolves" feeling.
I have had friends tell me, and assure me that I am not alone... but I still feel it. Painfully alone. Well - I am not alone. I have my sweet babies - who are relying on me... but still... the room is filled with that darkness - and there we are... plotting our course down a path we cannot see... to that tiny pinhole of light...
Posted Date: : Jan 27, 2008 4:52 PM