Yesterday I announced to the world that - I usually don't "do" New Years Resolutions. Which is so very true. Though I did vow to begin meditating. I think, I expect it will be very beneficial to me. I need to regain the constantly calming air I know I used to carry.
Though, it seems like - since that moment - the moment I opened my mouth to say I don't "do" Resolutions - I have been doing nothing but taking stock of my life. Rolling it over and over in my head. I think it started a few days ago really - but last night, in a benign conversation with my husband - I caught myself saying something - that startled me to my core. It was a simple sentence really.. and it went like this "I remember watching this funny commercial with my Dad, I think 17 or so years ago..."
Wait... hold up. What!? Did I seriously just say 17 years ago? Why yes.. I did. Granted, the commercial I was remembering - I was a child when I watched it... but still - it was 17 years ago. Damn.
So... taking stock of my life... right - because clearly - time is flying... way too fast.
Last night, I was laying in bed, with the desire to hold a pillow over my poor sleeping husband's head... as he snored quite loudly... and I decided to try out the meditation thing. I had thoughts just FLYING through my head. And I wanted them all to SHUT. UP. So - I tried to ignore them... let them "pass by" without engaging them. I know this is something that takes a while to master, so I didn't beat myself up too much when I found myself having total conversations with myself... HA! But in the midst of it all... I had one realization - that, kind of got to me.
I am not told I am loved. Correction - my children tell me all the time... but not my husband. I am always the one to initiate that conversation. I tell him "I love you" at night, in the darkness of our bedroom... and I get a "me too" (which always makes me go, huh? You love you too... great - what about me? and I pass that one off to a communication error) or I get a "you too" - or the best is by text with "ditto" or "U2" - and sometimes I am lucky enough to get a "love you too" out of him. But I don't want to be the only one to say it. I want to know he feels it, and says it then. And if he isn't feeling it - well... do I even have to take this conversation there!? I want to be looked in the eyes and told "I love you" - often. I really do. The last time HE initiated telling me that, was about a week ago - he was on the way home from his Christmas party (and I have reason to doubt that is even where he was.... that is another blog, that hopefully I will never get angry enough to write) and he was inebriated... and he sent me a text "Love u." When was the last time he initiated saying it before then? I have no clue. That really has me quite sad. I hope this will be enough of a hint to fix that.
I have been thinking about the future... and had a fear that - maybe my dream from the other night was not meant metaphorically at all - which is how I automatically see dreams.... I don't expect them to be literal. What if someone suddenly demanding into my house was my underlying fear of losing the house - with no warning what so ever. After all - we are very behind on our mortgage. Next week, we should be able to pay November's payment, I hope. The fear of being told to leave is growing inside me... maybe it is coming out in my dreams... since I keep pushing it off in the daylight hours........
And then, there is the personal stock I have been taking of myself. Should I try again to see if my son's preschool will hire me? Should I ask a few of the people I know working in other preschool settings if they think their place would hire (and train) me? If someday, I have to be the one to solely provide for my family - I would feel so screwed. Should I get my GED? What would I major in? Should I choose something I truly love? (Like Astronomy, Paleontology, Anthropology, Parapsycology...) Or should I choose something quick that would cost less to get a degree in? I need to know I can be there for my children?
I am not saying my husband has screwed up again or anything like that... but sometimes the fear crops up in my mind.. and if I had to go it alone - how could I? I have my Shamanism - but I am not prepared to turn that into something I can make a "living" at right now - I need to know it better, feel like I have mastered it more - that will come in time... but it isn't here just yet. So - what can I do? Truly do?
I need more time for me. I need more time spent WELL for me. I have time - running around the house, doing chores and errands... but I have books I want to read, things I feel I need to master... and no chance to do any of it. I need to quiet my mind... and make a list. And, I come full circle - meditation will help that - right?
I just want to be told I am loved. Truly, deeply loved.
I had all this rolling around in my head today, and I was driving home - and I realized, with this moment of panic - my ring was not on my finger. The ring I have been wearing in place of my wedding ring - was GONE. (I found it, oddly enough, I had forgotten to put it on after I got out of the shower - I put my other one on... just not the one I ALWAYS wear for my ring finer... if it was a sign - what did it mean?) And then I got this email from a friend - and she was talking about her life... and a talk she had with her husband the night before, and something she said in it - felt like it was trying to knock me into paying attention to my feelings... "Love isn't about who is right or wrong, or who did what to whom. Its about sharing a life as one soul while keeping separate identities. When you put the needs of your family aside for others then you lose. I understand your needs, I respect your needs. So must you also respect and understand mine." And I thought to myself - how true.
I feel like I am needing to hear the words "I love you" more. So, I am not wrong to ask for that.
My horoscope today said "adopt the mind-set that what you want to manifest is inevitable" - and I know that already. How do I make it work when it involves other people?
Anyway - there are my ramblings... as the clock ticks on - and another year has nearly passed. 2007, I bid you farewell. I expect 2008 to be wonderful.
All I want is happiness for my family. Trust and security... and love. I just want to hear it more...
Posted Date: : Dec 31, 2007 8:27 PM