Thursday, September 13, 2012

I know no way of judging of the future but by the past.

"I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience. I know no way of judging of the future but by the past." ~ Edward Gibbon

Today... was Easter. And - it was the first big "holiday" I have gone through, with the children, on my own. Granted, I was not "on my own" my "soon to be" ex husband was here, for a very large portion of the day... I cooked dinner... he ate with us - just like he would have if it were any of our past Easter’s. But - it wasn’t. As the day ended... and the children were all snug in their beds... he made his way to the front door - and walked through it. As he does every Sunday night now. And as he will... every Sunday night, until we move.

Sometimes it feels bitter sweet. I know I will be so much happier in my life, in a lot of ways, without him. And that makes me terribly sad to say. But I know it is the truth. There are moments when I miss him... this afternoon he leaned directly over me - and I could smell him... whatever cologne it is he had on (he uses a few) and I missed it... the freedom to cuddle in close to that scent, and loose myself for a time. But then... reality came crashing back through my mind... as loud as a shotgun blast in a tin room... for that one luxury... it simply is not worth it. At that moment - he was leaning over me, trying to tell me yet again, what I was doing wrong with the video game cable. A video game cable he has never once hooked up... and I have, probably a hundred times. (The video part of the three part cable is fried.... or the Xbox is broken, I fear it is the Xbox, the new cable did not make it work either. But the sound comes through fine.) So - will I miss that? Not one bit.

Yet... it seems I am still dealing with it. Constantly. He invents ways to belittle me when he comes by... I wish I could understand why. The psychologist in me wants to find a motive... his desire to feel superior, or hold control where he knows damn well he has, in all honesty relinquished it. Just today - he reached under the kitchen sink to grab some hand sanitizer... the geography under the sink has not changed a bit since he called this house his home... yet, he makes the grand statement "the windex is right there?? That is dangerous, poisonous!!!! You can’t keep that there!!!!" I just looked at him, bewildered. A bit later I gave him my rebuttal... reminded him the windex, the lysol, everything has been, right there since we moved into this house. He lied right to my face - said "he" had kept it back further.... Let me just state, for the record - "he" had not kept it anywhere. I did. Those sorts of things... how do I defend myself against his audacity to behave that way?

Sometimes... I just don’t understand him. He still expects to come into this house and call the shots... tell me what to make (him) for dinner... like he still expects me to be his wife - as he goes home to sleep with his girlfriend each night. And he just thinks that is "normal." Has he no idea how insanely nice I am being to tolerate all of this?

My poor house is in shambles... remnants of plastic Easter eggs litter everything! Over all... even through the moments that made me want to run to the sanctuary of my room and scream silently, at the top of my lungs into my pillow - everything went pretty well. My dinner turned out great... He only complained minimally about it... which would have been the normal order of business had our "relationship status" been any different... "too much pepper on the potatoes..." (I happened to love the way they came out... ohh.. did I forget to mention, I did not make them JUST for you? I thought to myself....)

Here and there I caught myself glimpsing at things... thinking about how this was the last Easter that we would have here, in this house. The house I thought we would have "forever" - here in this house, that was "ours" - and though I am truly looking forward to having a place that is MINE (and my children’s), where his words of criticism are even easier to dismiss than I have already made them... it still had it’s moments, where it tugged on my heart. I don’t really know why exactly... I can recreate it all when we move. The pretty paint on the walls... the furniture will go with me by default anyway... I guess it is just - letting go of that "idea" - It isn’t about the house... it is about my family... and those two little angels are still, right now, sleeping snuggly in their beds... dreaming of tomorrow. And I know that, their tomorrow... is up to me. And it is going to be awesome.

"In times of change, learners inherit the Earth, while the learned find themselves beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists." ~ Eric Hoffer

Posted Date: : Mar 23, 2008 10:24 PM

No comments:

Post a Comment